Beyond the Rain

Good Company

2011-11-11T06:00:00.000-05:00

When Laura had her miscarriage I was a week away from takinga test to tell me if my frozen embryo transfer had “worked” and if I waspregnant. It didn’t. I wasn’t.

And suddenly I’m infertile again.

I tried for a little more than three years to get pregnantwith my first child, who is now four (and a half). We went through the usual - clomid, IUI, andthen, because I live in a state with mandated infertility coverage, I was ableto do IVF. And it worked the firsttime. When it was time to try for #2 therewere several reasons we went straight to IVF, and I recognize how lucky I wasthat once again it worked on the first try and that it left us with five frozenembryos “left over.” So I’ve been livingmy life with my two sweet girls and my little frozen safety net and I, ever sogratefully, stopped feeling infertile.

But five weeks ago I went in for my frozen embryo transferand found out that they had to thaw all five embryos to find one good one,which didn’t “stick.” No more safety net.

At my follow up appointment my RE said they see two types ofpeople who come in for FET. Those whofeel an obligation to use the embryos, and those who want more kids. I definitely want more kids. As exhausting as they are, I love my twogirls and I want them to be the older sisters of (maybe) two littlesiblings. This is what I want, but thereis really no reason to think it’ll happen on its own.

And so I’m befuddled to find myself here again; but not thesame “here” I was before by first daughter was born. I do, after all, have two kids and I can tellyou at the start of this “secondary infertility” journey I will be happy andgrateful if these two, and their father, make up my whole family. But nevertheless, here I am again.

This time though, I am not alone. I know this would be a good time to talkabout what I learned the first time around about relying on the Lord, but thatwill come later. What I’m referring tois that I am here now at the same time as my sister and sweet friend. And no, that is not fun or exciting, isit? But at least it is good company.

The new girl.

2011-11-09T16:28:00.000-05:00

After several years of trying, treatments and tears, my sister and her husband were finally blessed with pregnancy through IVF. I remember the feelings of joy and relief when she told us that she was pregnant. I really didn't understand, like I do now, what it possibly meant to them to be expecting, but I knew that it had been a rough journey to get where they were.

They were blessed with a sweet baby girl (who came quite early). Then, two years later, another little girl, again, through IVF. Though we have faced separate and different trials, we still both still suffer the journey of infertility. We have been able to lean on, talk to and cry to each other. I am so happy to let you know that she will be joining me here on Beyond the Rain as a contributor! She is one of the greatest examples of faith that I have ever known and I am sure you will love her like I do!

No testimony without the test.

2011-10-22T02:44:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to say thank you to those of my family and friends who have been praying for us, sending us may well wishes, and checking in on us. I feel like sometimes I have these "woe is me" and downer days and it seems like there is always someone who texts or calls or emails me or leaves a nice comment that lifts my day. So, thank you...someday you'll know how much it means.

I feel like there is so much in my heart lately. Lots of feelings that leave me torn, lost of feelings that leave my uplifted. Mostly, I feel so loved. By friends, family, by my Savior, and by my Father in Heaven.

I had a friend who recently went through a hard physical trial. She has gone through many physical hardships in the past and went through lots of doubts and fears concerning them. But something she said has really stayed with me. She said that this time they "were not going to ask 'why?'." They were just going to have faith that whatever happens was the plan Heavenly Father had for their family. I was overcome by that statement. It came several months ago, but has been in my thoughts through this recent miscarriage.

When I had my miscarriage in 2009, I felt the lowest that I had felt in a long time. I was asking why, feeling depressed and going through a very spiritual wrestle with God and my testimony. I found myself asking Him Why did I have to wait so long? Why did I have to go through the pain of losing pregnancy after pregnancy?

Now, I know that God put certain people in my path and gave me situations that would help me grow. Mostly, He was there in so many small ways. Obviously, we know that Hannah came at the time she was a supposed to. Not to early, not to late. At the right time and place for her and for Heavenly Father's plan for her life.

Today, I feel strengthened through knowing that, and although I have thought to ask "Why?"...I have also tried to ask, "What am I to learn from this?" "Who am I to come closer to through this?" "How do I get through it?" Or to set the thought aside and pray for Him to help me know what to do next.

I have already felt my testimony of the power of prayer grow. I have felt and received the blessings of peace through the prayers of others. I have felt the warmth and security of my husband, as he has wrapped his arms around me each day and asked how I am doing, how can he help. I have received a stronger testimony of the power of the priesthood in my home and life. I have felt more grateful for a sweet little (almost 2 year old!) little girl who bring the sunshine into our life. I have felt the love of my Heavenly Father more deeply than I have ever felt it.

I feel like we go through stages in life where certain parts of our testimony grow. When I think of previous miscarriages, I think of how I received much strength from the Savior and knowing that His Atonement covers all things...including the heartaches we feel. I feel like this miscarriage has already been strengthening my testimony of a loving Heavenly Father who knows us personally and listens to our prayers. That he has a great plan for each one of us. I feel like he has been guiding me so freely to answers and guidance that helps me through. I feel like my previous miscarriages and the testimony that came from them has given me strength to get through this one. I was telling a friend today that I feel like I have been able to overcome this miscarriage more quickly than the previous ones. My friend put it this way..."You have found a coping mechanism". And I have.

The Savior and His infinite Atonement, a loving and living Heavenly Father, the crucial and important role that a caring family plays in my life, friends and family who offer prayers and a shoulder to cry on, the power or prayer, the word of God through the scriptures, the healing power of serving others...

Yes, indeed, I have found my coping mechanism. The true gospel of Jesus Christ.

Another Miscarriage...

2011-10-17T21:30:00.001-04:00

*This post was written on October 13, 2011, I miscarried October 10th, 2011 ~ I truly wish I could paint the experience with sunshine and rainbows, but I can't. It was not happy at all. I guess I am just stating the facts, though they are probably all jumbled and disconnected. This is just what happened. There is some good though, the part where I know and feel that my Heavenly Father is here, through it all. The part that gives me peace. When I work through that a little more...I'll tell you about it.

On Tuesday, August 23rd we found out that we were expecting once again. We had been trying for 6 months and I had even gone to the doctor the week before to get blood work done to see if I needed to start infertility treatments. I had not received any results back yet, but a week after that I decided to take a pregnancy test because of some symptoms that I had been having. It ended up being positive to our surprise. We were thrilled and talked about the excitement of having another child, being scared of another miscarriage, waiting to tell people, etc.

Right away the next day I called my doctor and got hooked up with all sorts of medications and hormones. Lovenox injections every day (blood thinner for my PAI-1 gene mutation a.k.a. blood clotting disorder). Folic Acid supplements for the MTHFR issue, prenatal vitamins of course, baby aspirin and progesterone to help prevent miscarriage, etc. The Lovenox is also to help prevent from other pregnancy complications... Blah, blah, blah.

I was so excited to have the baby and Hannah about 2 1/2 years apart. I wanted her to have a little sibling to run around with!

We went into the doctor (high risk doc) for our first ultrasound on September 19th. According to the ultrasound I was only about 7 weeks and 1 day, I thought I was about 9 weeks and 3 days, according to my LMP. That was okay though because things looked well. We got to hear the baby's heartbeat...beating so fast. All I know is that I fell in love right away.

...the perinatal doctor (the high risk doctor...not my regular OB) also updated me on the MTHFR and PAI-1 stuff. He said that they don't even do testing for that anymore because the treatment that they would give has been through more research and they pretty much said that the research shows there is no reliable evidence to show that the treatment was preventative (for blood clotting and pregnancy complications). Basically, it pretty much doesn't do anything. Great. So I had been bruising myself up with Lovenox injections for about a month and a half. He also said that I didn't need to be taking any of the medications. I did not fully agree with that, I felt like some of the medications were for good (like the Folic Acid, the progesterone). But at this point I also felt like it was all for nothing. Connel said at the time that "he believed there was a reason for all of it, we may not know what it is, but there was a reason."

I was just disappointed and a little angry because I guess I felt, somehow, that I had some control (even if it was all just in my head) over the miscarriages with all the medications that I was taking... but now there was nothing to prevent it. I don't like to hear that I have any greater chance for miscarriage... and it's also just the feeling that we have no control. Anyway, that's where I decided to give the trust to God and say..."You can handle this, I can't. You have the control and I don't have the nerves to take it all on myself!" I wrote about it all in a journal entry and said... "I don't think I could take it if we lost this little one..."

Well, I talked to my regular OB and we all agreed that I needed to stay on all of the medications. This was getting really confusing, but I personally trusted him and his nurse more than the other doctor who had only ever seen me...once. So I kept taking the Lovenox, Folic Acid, baby aspirin, progesterone and of course the prenatals. All the medications were exhausting. The Lovenox was just plain painful. But I knew it was for the baby, so I kept on taking it for the team.

-----

Here is a post I wrote when I was 9 weeks 2 days pregnant.

Today I went into the doctor for my first official OB appointment. Last night I was really (really, really) anxious about the whole thing. I was specifically worried that we wouldn't hear the heartbeat and I was having a hard time getting to sleep. After a little deliberation, I decided to text some family and close friends to see if they might just include me/us in their prayers. Even just a few minutes after I was feeling a little more relieved and mostly loved by so many people, even though I had sent the text to only a handful of people!

I started to get to sleep and Hannah started crying. I went to check on her and put her back to sleep with a song. After I was sure she was asleep, I went back to bed. A little while later, she cried out again. I went back up and felt that she was quite warm to the touch. She had been sick with a mild case of croup this past weekend and had a fever then. She was better Monday and Tuesday during the day, but I took her temperature anyway, and it was up again. I brought her to bed with Connel and I and tried to get her to go to sleep, but she was fully awake and really wiggly. I turned to Connel and asked if he might give her a blessing to help her get well and be able to get to sleep.

He gave her a nice blessing then we put her back to sleep. I then asked Connel if he would now give ME a blessing! It was good to keep with the late night tradition...(kidding...Connel just always teases me that I always ask for one in the middle of the night!) But really, the blessing was just what I needed. Most pertinent to the pregnancy was that...I will have many hard trails in life, but that this pregnancy will not be one of them. When that was said, I let out an audible breath of relief. I had felt the spirit so strong, there was not denying that the things that were said were true.

Today (October 5th), I went to my OB appointment and we discussed many things like my MTHFR/PAI-1 4G/4G, medications for that, my preterm labor, whether or not to do genetic screening, etc. We practically went over my complete medical history and that of my parents, Connel's parents, the entire family tree and the family dog's medical history...

However... what was interesting to me was that the nurse (the best one ever!) decided to do try to listen to the heartbeat. She said "Now sometimes at this point in a pregnancy, we hear it, but sometimes, we don't. So, please don't freak out if we don't hear it. It doesn't mean that something is wrong." She placed the heartbeat monitor on my abdomen and searched for a few minutes, but could not find it. But...the entire time, I was filled with NO anxiety whatsoever...I remembered the words of the blessing and I felt at peace.

I think she even believed me when I told her that I was not worried. And I truly was not. Now, those that know me well, will know that I WORRY! So not being worried about not hearing my babies heartbeat... that's a big thing! I felt fine about it, and I still do. I know that it is because of many prayers and the blessing from my Father in Heaven that I felt at peace. Otherwise I think I might be really freaking out!

We will have an ultrasound in a few weeks, but until then...I just want to thank my friends and family for their prayers, concern and love. It helps to know that we have so many people who care! And I am so grateful to my husband for worthily holding the priesthood and being able to call upon God for help and comfort when we need it!

Now...

My dear sweet little Baby,

I am so excited to have you come into our lives! I know that you will be a special part of our family and that there is much to look forward to. I am mostly excited to feel you move inside of me. I love that feeling and am looking very forward to it! I knew I loved you when I first found out that you were coming, then even more when I saw you on the ultrasound and I love you even more now. Each day it becomes more real that you are on the way. That fact that we will have another little person in our home overwhelms me a little bit, but mostly I know that you are meant to come and be here with our family. I love you!

Your Mama, Laura Kathrine

-----

On Saturday, October 8th, I started bleeding, I was near ten weeks pregnant. That day, I was in a little pain, but mostly, I was just bleeding with little cramps and taking it easy. I was sitting there and coughed a little bit (I have had a cold). I think I must have said "Ow." or something. But, Hannah looked at me, "Mama..." then came up to me and placed her little palm on my cheek. "...ah okay?"

We went to the hospital that afternoon (about 5 PM), only to get a Rhogam shot. On the way there, we stopped at Drug Mart so I could pick up some pads. I paid with a $20, my change was $13.13...I'm not superstitious, but I looked at the lady like, Seriously?! Why don't you just keep a penny?

I was at the ER for 7 hours. Registration, Bloodwork, IV, Internal Exam, the finally the Rhogam shot at almost Midnight! I was sitting on an exam table the entire time, it was so uncomfortable. Most of the time, I was by myself, I think they forgot about me some of the time. Seriously, I think they did. It pretty much sucked. Connel was there for a little bit, but Hannah needed to go home and go to bed, so he took her home. I didn't call anyone else I knew from here, because I wanted the baby to be okay. I was hoping the baby would be okay. The blessing said that this pregnancy wouldn't be a trial. Plus, I wanted to wear that cute "skeleton fetus on the belly" costume to the ward party to make the big "announcement". Dumb? But true.

Sunday we skipped church and to doctor's orders, I laid around the entire day. Cramping and bleeding (not too heavily, but I was still in a little bit of pain).

Monday the 10th, I woke up, showered, and put on my waterproof mascara, just in case. We drove to the doctor's office and waited, nervously, in an ultrasound waiting room, with several other noticeably pregnant women. We were supposed to be ten weeks pregnant, but... when they checked, we were told our baby was about the size of an eight week embryo.

Then, we were told that our baby had no heartbeat.

Connel took us out to breakfast. I was glad we did that. I didn't want to go home yet. We went to a store. Then we came home. I tried to avoid looking at the welcome sign for the new baby girl next door as we pulled into our driveway.

That night, I miscarried my baby.

It was concentrating on the physically painful, mostly. It hurt so bad. I can't tell you. I didn't remember how bad it could hurt. Miscarriage is hard. It is really, really hard.

At that point, I'd kind of checked out emotionally. I only cried when I talked to people about it. So mostly, I tried not to talk. I had told a few family and friends that we were expecting. But not a lot. We had to tell them that we were weren't expecting anymore. That's why I didn't want to tell many people.

Tuesday I had my first D&C ever. I just wanted it all to be over with. I didn't want the pain or the bleeding (a reminder of what was happening) to be prolonged. We scheduled it for Tuesday, and even though, the night before, I passed the baby...we still decided that we would have a D&C to finish it. Truthfully, I was glad the baby came before the D&C. I don't know why, I was just glad it happened that way.

Overall, the birthing center stay was way better then the ER. However, they did have a baby warmer in my room when I got there. That was kind of mean. I could also hear a few newborns crying down the hall. That was sweet. (Sarcasm). Why they do these kinds of things in the birthing center? Don't ask me. Luckily, I didn't see a single baby during my stay. I think I might have had a breakdown.

I changed into that beautiful hospital gown. Connel took Hannah to our angel friend (thank you for her...the best ever). I waited. Registration. IV. Blood workup. Doctor. Anesthesiologist. RN. Etc. Husband came back. I don't remember going into the OR. I remember them putting the tube in my nose. Then I was waking up and I guess I said "I had a good dream." Someone said, "Oh, you had a good dream?" Then I said "Oh, I did?"

Back in the recovery room, my husband touched my head and the tears started flowing. Sobs. Then I said, "I just want to see my baby, I just want to hold my Hannah." "I don't want to see any baby things", I said. Luckily for them, they had taken the baby warmer out while I was in surgery.

All the nurses left. It all came out in sobs, but it wasn't long and I felt a little better. I started joking a bit, I couldn't stop talking thanks to the wonder drugs. We talked about our dream house. Connel was trying to take my mind off of it, I think. ;) We talked about Hannah. How she was so sweet and funny and active. I initiated a conversation about the budget...Connel steered us away from that subject quickly. They brought me some food. I had been told not to eat anything since midnight the night before and had to tell myself to eat slow. I was starving. I drank some water. I went to the bathroom. Then got to go home.

We went to pick up Hannah, our angel friend had made us some dinner to take home. Probably one of the biggest blessings in this house. Connel loves food. I noticed, as we pulled into our driveway, that the sign for the new baby next door had been taken down. I silently thanked God for that tender mercy.

The Percocet was settling in and I felt like I was in a fishbowl. I slept, sort of. I was dreaming like I was getting rushed down hallways with lots of doors, like this one episode of Muppet Babies I'd seen 20 years ago. I kept feeling like I was falling. Lots of weird dreams where I was asleep, but not really all the way.

When I woke up, I went upstairs. I had to see my Hannah. I tried to squeeze onto her bed, but that didn't work to well, she nudged me off, so I sang to her instead.

I couldn't sleep. Finally, about 2 AM, the tears, the pain came again. I asked Connel to cuddle me. I silently prayed and asked God to let me know he was there. Seconds later, without knowing my thoughts, Connel started humming, "I Feel My Savior's Love."

And I did, I felt His love.

beautiful necklace idea.

2011-07-19T14:14:00.000-04:00

I wanted to share a little something I came across today that I thought was beautiful and such a brilliant idea! Maria-Isabel from Agape Love Designs Etsy Shop has designed a pretty custom made birds nest necklace that you choose how many eggs go in the nest. The beautiful thing about it is that she includes pearls on the chain for those angel babies (miscarriage, infant loss) that you hold dear to your heart. She includes them on the chain because even though they may not have reached your "nest" you still hold them in your heart. Love it!

Here is the whole story on the necklace if you are interested. (And today there is a giveaway and coupon code for her shop on The Dating Divas blog.)

Just thought I'd share!

when in doubt...give hugs.

2011-07-07T23:35:00.000-04:00

While reading the series on pregnancy and infant loss at the R House, I remembered an experience that I had and I wanted to share it.

A really good friend and her husband told us that they were expecting just after our 2nd miscarriage. They had no clue about the miscarriage. However, after they found out, they sent me a bouquet of flowers and told me they were sorry for my loss. My friend later confided in me that she felt bad and that we didn't have to talk about her pregnancy at all again until I was ready. That was some major emotional support to me at that time and now I realize what a Christlike person she was for sacrificing the sharing of her joy to comfort me in my grief.

Most people are very well meaning and want to help. If you know of anyone who is going through a loss... any kind of loss, and you are not sure how to act or what to do, the worst thing you can do is ignore the feeling to help. Just acknowledge that they are hurting and do something nice for them. Maybe a phone call, sending a card, or even an email. Sending flowers, making them dinner or bringing them a yummy treat can be a huge hug to their soul.

series on the r house.

2011-06-28T16:00:00.000-04:00

The R House is doing a series of posts on Understanding and Supporting Pregnancy Loss. Please read and follow the series if you have a chance. There has already been and I am sure there will be wonderful insight to come. I commented that "I feel like the pain really never goes away, you just learn how to deal with it and suppress it. Those feelings come back…sometimes full force when I hear stories like this or sometimes they surface at unexpected (and embarrassing) times. The fear that it will happen again also stays. Thank you and love to these Mothers who shared their experiences and true raw feelings."

he knows ALL.

2011-06-25T02:02:00.002-04:00

I wanted to share with you a scripture that has helped me get through many hard days. In 2 Nephi 2:24 of the Book of Mormon it says:

But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things.

I ran across this scripture in the temple one day and it not only helped me to get through the specific trial of miscarriage and infertility, but many other trials since. It is my favorite scripture and I felt like I should share it here. I feel like it was telling me that God knows all and that he gives us certain trials so that we can learn and grow. He has given us these things in wisdom, knowing the outcome and knowing that we will become strong and immovable in our testimonies of Him. I brings me comfort to know that God will help us, and as we are depending and trusting in Him, we can get through.

blessings through raindrops.

2011-06-25T01:49:00.005-04:00

I wanted to share this, in case you may have not heard this song yet. Everytime I hear it, it touches me to the core.

former super bowl champion, parents of 5 and mormons.

2011-06-20T21:27:00.003-04:00

loved this.

2011-05-25T09:50:00.001-04:00

You can recognize women who are grateful to be a daughter of God by their reverence for motherhood, even when that blessing has been withheld from them for a time. In those circumstances, their righteous influence can be a blessing in the lives of children they love. Their exemplary teachings can echo the voice of a faithful home and resonate truth in the hearts of children who need another witness.

Margaret D. Nadauld (Oct 2000)

feeling broken?

2011-05-18T14:35:00.001-04:00

You might want to read this. It touched my heart today and it's something we can remember on those bad days.

This part was the tear-jerker for me:

He hand chose you out of the crowd, and precisely changed you to be the person you are. I believe he took you aside, put his arm around you, and with tears streaming down his very own face, knowing it will break your heart, asked if you if could carry this burden.

He promised you would never be alone. And he would bless you!
But, he would need to make you differently.
Not to break you.
But to create miracles for your eyes to see.
Every day.

other ways to mother.

2011-05-08T10:00:00.055-04:00

Just a note: I am feeling better about the flower thing. I think I just needed to get that off my chest. So thanks for hearing me out while I vented! :)

I just wanted to share a little something on Mother's Day...

“While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord’s language, the word mother has layers of meaning. … Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us. … For reasons known to the Lord, some women are required to wait to have children. This delay is not easy for any righteous woman. But the Lord’s timetable for each of us does not negate our nature. Some of us, then, must simply find other ways to mother. And all around us are those who need to be loved and led.”

Sheri L. Dew, “Are We Not All Mothers?” November 2001 Ensign

A couple of years ago before we had been blessed with our little Hannah, I was a leader/teacher over a a group of girls in the Faith in God program at our church. One of the girls asked me if I had any kids. I said no and a few of them gasped and told me that I needed to have one... and soon!! :) I politely explained that we wanted to have a baby but that Heavenly Father would bless us with one when it was the right time. One of my sweet girls exclaimed "It's okay, It's kind of like we are your kids right now anyway!" It's amazing the spirit these young girls had and I was deeply touched by this comment, it lingered with me throughout my trail of trying to conceive and carry a child full term. Thanks to that young girl I was able to refocus some of my efforts into what the Lord would have be do BEFORE I had a baby. Who was I to "Mother" before I came a "Mother"? I am grateful the opportunities that I had to be an influence on those girls and to have the chance to serve those I did before our sweet baby girl graced our life.

This video also helped me remember that I had the opportunity to serve even when I was in a trial myself.

miscarriage

2011-05-06T21:29:00.002-04:00

I thought this post eloquently described ways that family and friends can give support to someone who is NOT expecting and wants to be...

What to Say When She's NOT Expecting

Post edit: sorry to those who read this title and got nervous... I am doing fine. :\

looking back. moving forward.

2011-03-21T20:53:00.001-04:00

"I try to avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.” -Charlotte Bronte

Whenever I have a friend who goes through infertility, it breaks my heart. The emotions that I felt/feel come back to me in a very real way and I wish with all my heart that I could just see into the future and then tell them that everything will be okay. When I look back and remember the pain that I felt during the time I was yearning to be a Mother I wish I could tell myself that everything would work out. At times, I would get mad if people DID tell me that it would all work out..."how could they know?" I would think to myself. There is one person who does know. That is Heavenly Father.

He knows what we need when we need it. As I look forward and wonder what will be in the future as far as having children and expanding our family...I get a little terrified. But, I know that whatever happens will happen according to the plan of our Father in Heaven. I may not like it very much, or... I may absolutely love it. But one thing is for sure. Heavenly Father is watching over us and gives us strength in various forms.

Today, I had a little reminder of that. When I saw the title "Faith and Infertility" on the cover of the April Ensign, I ripped the plastic from the cover! 5 beautiful, wonderful pages of strength and reassurance. All I have to say is... I love the gospel!

I wish I had a link to the article, but it's not online quite yet. I'll link it up when it's there.

POST EDITED TO ADD: Here is the link to the article.

Old Wives Tale

2010-12-20T09:28:00.001-05:00

Okay, so as a disclaimer, I had some fun last night and I wanted to say at first that this was all in fun and I don't want to girls that did this with me to feel bad because I love them and that I am fine and not offended or feel wronged to the least little bit. But man, I must need therapy...

I had fun with some girls last night and we took a pencil pregnancy test. No, I am not expecting, but we were trying to predict our "pregnancy future". The deal is that you stick a threaded needle into the eraser of a sharpened pencil and you let it hang over your wrist. It is supposed to tell you what children and about how many you are going to have. It swings over your wrist in a series of directions. And it will swing several times before shifting onto the next direction (important for those of us who have had several miscarriages and it swings and swings and swings and we wonder WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!) If it swings left to right ( __ ) it's a girl, if it swings up and down ( | ) it's a boy, if it swings diagonal (/ or \) it's twins...then it will tell you what gender. If it swings in a circle (O) it's a miscarriage (oh brother.) Mine went like this...O, O , O , __ , O , | , /, __ , then stopped. Okay...so the beginning was fairly accurate! Three miscarriages... then a girl! But, man oh man. Let's just say I wasn't excited the least little bit when I saw my worst fear before my eyes with that next circle!

In fact, later on, after the fun was over, I noticed that I was biting my nails...something that I have not done for about 6 months! Biting my nails is a nervous/anxious habit I have. Connel noticed to, on the way home and asked "Are you having anxiety or something because... you are biting your nails!" Then he said...it was probably that "pregnancy test thing". And I had to agree, I was feeling a little anxious. I really don't know how I'll handle another miscarriage. I was badly effected with the ones before Hannah and I just don't want to deal with it. So, in short...let's just hope it's a little wives tale.

But on the brighter side of things...if it's true, I'll still be having 3 more kids (a boy and twin girls!) and that will make all the difference! Right? I don't know if I want it to be wrong or right. There were several believable testimonials that it was right.

Anybody want to prove the pencil preg test wrong for me?

Adoption

2010-11-10T14:02:00.000-05:00

I posted this on my family blog today and I decided to post it here as well...

I know I have a little birthday to post about, and I know I promised some pictures of Hannah at 1 year...but...I feel I need to post about something very important and so I am going to do it now.

When Connel and I were having a hard time becoming pregnant, we thought of all the options. We thought of not doing anything and just "letting" things happen. We thought of getting infertility treatments...

...and we thought of adoption.

We ultimately wanted to try and become pregnant ourselves...and through prayers, little miracles, and some great/not-so-great medications and hormones...we did. But, as I researched and read about adoption and the miracle that it is, I gained a testimony that it is truly an act of love and unselfishness, of and for all parties involved.

Today, this post today deeply touched my soul and I felt the strong need to share it, maybe someone out there needed this today.

Click text below to read the post:

Adoption and the Bible from Lannie

or copy and paste to URL:

http://1pieceofme.blogspot.com/2010/11/adoption-and-bible.html

the Birds and the Bees

2010-09-30T21:58:00.000-04:00

Ashley shared this on her blog and I watched these videos over and over.

Click {HERE} to see more. The. best. EVER!

Are you struggling with infertility?

2010-09-14T09:03:00.002-04:00

THIS is for you.

Just Realized...

2010-08-01T22:02:00.000-04:00

November 4th 2008...the first post on this blog.

November 4th 2009...the day Hannah was born.

A Blessing

2010-05-16T17:25:00.001-04:00

This is an experience that Connel and I had when we were living in Idaho in 2007.

We had both graduated a few months ago and we were living in Rexburg while Connel was looking for a full time job. He was working construction, (anyone who's ever worked construction knows that it's never "dependable" as far as hours go.) so he was home a lot of the time. I was working at an apartment complex as a manager. Being a manager at BYU-Idaho is NOT a fun job, at least not to me. I can say that it's sort of like infertility...it sucks while your going through it...after it's over you realize how much you've learned...but you still never want to go through it again!

Anyway, So, my hubby and I's roles were turned around. He was the stay-at-home-husband and I was bringing home the bacon. Let's just say both of us really enjoy the typical roles that a husband and wife live and neither of us were doing anything in our "preferred" roles. This was very hard on me because I had recently had a miscarriage and I was being put under a lot of pressure at work. My attitude at this point in time was less then pleasant to say the least and I was pretty much crying myself to sleep every night. Okay so maybe I was throwing things across the room too, but hey...some of you understand right?

I just didn't feel like I was fulfilling the role that I was sent here to fulfill. I wanted to be the one staying at home, caring for children, cleaning the house...okay maybe not that last one! But, I wanted to feel nurturing and domestic and I was not feeling that way at all! I wanted to know, why Heavenly Father would be keeping me from doing what I KNOW was what I was supposed to do...

...fulfill my role as a Mother.

My natural instincts were good. The feelings that I was having about wanting to be a mother were okay to have. But my feelings of despair and selfishness and unfairness were not okay. But, if it wasn't going to fulfill that role yet, I needed something to help me get through it.

I awoke in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep for several hours. Eventually and inevitably, I ended up crying in the bed next to my sleeping husband, only this time he woke up. He asked me what was wrong and I told him all the feelings of impatience and longing and stress about work that I was feeling and we decided that it might be good for me to have a blessing. He told me that we would go ahead and do it right now.

As I sat with my husbands hands upon my head in the middle of our dark living room, I felt the spirit overcome me. As my husband voice started quivering, I knew that I was overcome as well. It was a spirit of peace, a spirit of comfort, two loving arms opened wide and then wrapped around both of us. I don't remember anything the blessing said.

All I remember was the feeling that we had together with our Father in Heaven. One of our first experiences of that kind apart from the feeling in the sealing room on our wedding day. I also remember that I felt like everything was going to be okay. That I was strong enough to get through whatever it was that was making me hurt inside. I felt God's love.

Afterwards, we knelt down to pray together and thank Heavenly Father for this experience. Throughout the prayer I remember feeling the same feelings of love and power that I had felt a few minutes earlier. I was so grateful, and still am, for that outpouring of the spirit! What a great and merciful Heavenly Father we have!

I had sort of forgotten that experience. Then I got asked to share something in Sunday School that reminded me of God's power and love. To go along with the part of the lesson about how Israel set up a memorial of 12 stones after crossing the parted Jordan River to remind future generations about God's love.

Now I realize that my experience with infertility is always going to be a reminder to me of God's power and love. Whenever I was going through a rough patch with infertility, He would somehow through His amazing power show me that I was loved. Without his power and love I could not have gotten through it. Maybe I'd still have gotten pregnant, maybe I'd still have my sweet baby girl, but I don't think I would still be the same person I am without Him and his comfort at the times that I needed it most. I most definitely would not have the same feelings about Motherhood that I do now. I can't take for granted things that took me forever to get. I look at my baby everyday and realize how blessed I am to have her in my life. And the love that He has for us is ten times the love that we feel for our own children?!?

Now, that's powerful.

Wow. This is all written a lot better than what I shared in Sunday School, there it was all jumbled and blubbered out through tears. But, it is so interesting how Heavenly Father helped me to remember this point in time and the feelings that came with it. And how closely it coincided with the things in the lesson. I decided that I needed to write it down and get it "set in stone". Maybe it can be a reminder to my future generations that no matter what, Heavenly Father is watching over them and loves them.

A Prayer

2010-05-07T06:51:00.002-04:00

(my version of THIS poem)

Lord,

Thank you for the dishes overflowing in the sink...
and the colorful plastic spoons therein that recently fed pureed carrots.

Thank you for this mountain of dirty laundry...
and the spit-up covered onesies that can be found piled on top.

Thank you for the unmade bed...
and the little body that cuddled close to my chest on it early this morning.

Thank you for this bathroom that needs a major scrubbing bubbles treatment...
and the wonderful smell of the pink "no tears" shampoo sitting on the ledge of the tub.

Thank you for this cluttered living room carpet...
and that the clutter consists of teething rings, rattles and board books.

Thank you for my rushed trips to the grocery store...
and the crying baby in the car seat that sits in the shopping cart.

Thank you for the grass that needs mowing...
and for the tiny little fingers that discovered it's lush green-ness today.

Thank you for that sewing table cluttered with yet-to-complete crafts and projects...
and the crib with pink sheets that sits in the same room.

Thank you for the darkening bags under my eyes...
and the little cries that keep me up at night.

Thank you for the "extra padding" around my middle...
and for letting my have the chance to feel a baby move inside me.

Thank you for letting me tickle soft skin. Thank you for letting my change a baby's diaper. Thank your for letting me kiss chubby little cheeks. Thank you for letting me hear tiny giggles each day. I will try to be more grateful for the little joys that she brings to my life...for the things that I DON'T get to do because you have given me a gift.

The perfect beautiful gift of being a Mother.

What IF?

2010-04-30T22:57:00.000-04:00

My Stick Family from WiddlyTinks.com

Infertility. It never leaves. It is always there in the back of your mind, it will always be a part of life. There are many questions that infertility can place in your mind. The What IF's. Here's mine, my What IF...the one that weighs on my mind when I think of the future and more babies and expanding our family...

What IF I have to go through it all again???

Ultimately, I know it will all be okay, but thinking about going through the pain and longing again just makes me sick to my stomach. It makes my arms feel empty... I can't think about it, I shouldn't. I have a 6 month old baby, and many of you are probably thinking...there is no need to worry right now, think about it later, it's too soon to be worrying about those things.

Well... today my hubby asked when we were going to start trying again for another baby.

Um...okay...HELL-O! What IF I get pregnant and miscarry? What IF I can't get pregnant again? What IF I never get to feel a child in my womb again? What IF I have to go through the pain again and it effects the way I care for Hannah? What IF we have to go through it again and this time my husband and I get pulled apart instead of clinging together?

Those are the thoughts that flashed through my mind. Not, "oh maybe we'll have a boy this time", or "it would be so fun for Hannah to be a big sister".

Then he said, " If started now, it would still be 9 months until we had another baby." Um...ok...HELL-O! I have a feeling it would take a LOT LONGER than 9 MONTHS! Of course he meant well, and funny thing is though, If I wanted to start trying again so soon, all logic and reason (and I'm pretty sure even the spirit) says that it would be crazy to try for another baby yet.

The point is...my mind just heads towards "infertile thoughts" whenever the subject of family building comes up.

So...

I've decided to answer my question with one simple answer...

IF I have to go through it all again, IF I didn't learn something that I needed to the 1st, 2nd and 3rd time...I'll just have to do what I did before...

I'm going to have to take it one step at a time. One day at a time. And HOPE. I can't think about all the bad things that could happen. I have to remember these experiences and remember that something good came from going through this trail. And something good can come from the next. Trails are there for our good... right? RIGHT?!?!

...but then the whatIF's strike again.

P.S. We are NOT trying again, yet. So, don't get all excited.

Going back?

2010-03-10T09:48:00.001-05:00

I have to admit. The demands of Motherhood are harder than I imagined. Are they not to everyone? Would I ever go back to the way things were before, when it was just Connel and I? No diapers, no spit-up, no endless piles of laundry?... oh, I guess those piles were there before! Haha!

I ran across a blog post today who's sentiments were exactly what I have felt at times, but never had the words to explain it.

After someone made a comment about her wishing things would go back to the way they were before...She said:

"Yeah, I'll admit that I've come to realize the demands of motherhood, the sacrifices, the exhaustion, and so much more... but, even after the longest night or the most exhausting day, I have NEVER once wanted to go back to what life was before bringing Ben (in my case HANNAH!) home.

Not even close.

I guess she didn't realize that I already know the sleepless nights... or realize how much worse they were than our sleepless nights now. They were empty and quiet and piercingly lonely. She must not know the pain of infertility and what a heavy burden it is to carry."

I would never go back. We had a great time and the memories of the fun parts of our life before baby will always be with me, but I would never go back!

I love this little girly-girl way too much!

did I just totally contradict myself??? (read yesterday's post)

Here

2010-03-09T15:26:00.000-05:00

I love Rascal Flatts, they seem to have a song for everything.

A couple of weeks ago I was on my way to Jo-Ann's. My sweet baby was sleeping in her car seat and I was listening to the radio. This song came on and I couldn't help but be reminded of the work it took to get her here...

---

There's a place I've been looking for

That took me in and out of buildings

Behind windows, walls and doors

And I thought I found it

Couple times, even settled down

And I'd hang around just long enough

To find my way back out

I know now the place that I was trying to

Reach

Was you, right here in front of me

And I wouldn't change a thing

I'd walk right back through the rain

Back to every broken heart

On the day that it was breakin'

And I'd relive all the years

And be thankful for the tears

I've cried with every stumbled step

That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing what I let my heart go through

To get me where it got me

In this moment here with you

And it passed me by

God knows how many times

I was so caught up in holding

What I never thought I'd find

I know now, there's a million roads

I had to take

To get me in your arms that way

In a love I never thought I'd get to get to

Here

And if that's the road

God made me take to be with you

And I'd relive all the years

And be thankful for all the tears

I've cried with every stumbled step

That led to you and got me here, right here

Oh, baby-Ooo

Oh, got me here

-Rascal Flatts

---

Can I truly say that I would relive all the tears and the years and "walk right back through the rain"?

Well, funny thing... I was reading through my blog and I found one post I wrote in which I stated:

---

"I used to think that there has to be a reason for everything.
I have asked God so many times...Why? Why? Why?

I have come to know that there is no point in asking the question, "WHY?"

Sometimes things just have to happen.

From what I have learned about the premortal existence... I must have signed up for this trial in heaven. What was I thinking? Your guess is as good as mine. I must have known the outcome. I wonder if I was hesitant or if I walked up to the front of the line and said, I want that one. Give me that trail right there. Maybe I knew what blessings would come of it?"

---

Now I DO know the outcome...now I DO know the blessings that come of the trial of infertility and miscarriage...

...and they ARE worth the heart-breaking journey... "every stumbled step" it took to get HERE:

was worth it.

So don't give up ladies...don't give up! I love you!

Let's Have a Better VIEW!

2010-02-28T20:48:00.000-05:00

I was interested to find that this past week "The View" had a special episode all about infertility.

We don't even have cable so I normally don't watch the show. However, I received an email from RESOLVE about it and it interested me. I was really glad they were covering infertility, and they did an OK job of covering the basics, but, um... are they always so inconsiderate towards people's feelings? Seriously...I guess a bunch of women can't be expected not to interupt, but really. Some of them (Sherri and Barbara) have gone through some facet of infertility themselves, and I believe were somewhat tuned in...and I know that it's all for television drama...but Gah!

In the end, I was glad that they invited some people like you and me to share their experiences. I was glad they had this special to help create awareness about infertility and miscarriage but I couldn't help but notice a few things...

Like, for instance...when Whoopie and Barbara started lecturing Giuliana about gaining weight so that she could have a baby. You know...that kind of "advice" that we all have come to despise? Just look at the hurt on her face and how she is trying to mask the pain!! It's the "how can I get out of here/when is this going to be over/please just stop talking/I shouldn't have to answer to you" look. Even if what they were saying may be good advice, they still have no right to lecture her about it! And...

Barbara Walters comment: "We are not talking about adoption we are taking about infertility." What the heck?!?!?

but,

I LOVED the first couple they talked to and their comments about how it effected their marriage and the divorcee womans comments on how you consider ALL the options.

But now I'll stop ranting and raving...

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE EPISODE

1 Samuel 1:27

2009-12-22T04:30:00.000-05:00

For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him:

Due

2009-12-09T00:25:00.001-05:00

At first I felt a little jipped that I didn't get the FULL pregnancy experience. I wanted ALL 9 MONTHS.

Over the past 5 weeks I have wondered what it would be like if I was still pregnant. What would I have been doing? What would I have looked like? Over the past 5 weeks, I have pondered what kinds of things we could have avoided if she would have waited to come...the NICU visit, possibly even the AWFUL acid reflux that she is having as it happens a lot in preemies...

I could say that Hannah came too late, after all we endured 3 miscarriages and waited 3 years for her to come into our lives.

I could say she came too early, because she was born at 35 weeks.

But, if there is one thing that I want to remember and that I want Hannah to remember it is this...

You came at the right time, not to early, not to late.

Heavenly Father sent you at just the right time, he has a specific plan in mind for you, he has all along. He waited until it was the perfect timing to send you to Mommy's tummy and he chose the right time to have you come into the world. My dear baby girl, you are the sunshine after the rain, the hope you have brought will touch and warm many lives...it already has.

Photos by Ashley Malena Photography

So Thankful...

2009-11-27T13:21:00.000-05:00

for our little angel.

Early Arrival of the Long Awaited Day...

2009-11-07T23:44:00.000-05:00

Well, I guess she was just as impatient to get here as we were to have her here!

Hannah Mae was born on November 4, 2009. She was 5 weeks early, and is in the NICU for a little while, but we are so happy to have our sweet little girl. She should be fine and out of the NICU within a few weeks, but for right now she is working on getting better at eating and breastfeeding. She has some jaundice and is under the bili-lights, but has many small successes each day. We love to cuddle and hold her and give her plenty of kisses!

Updates will come later and, but for right now, we want to shout the news from the rooftop!

Our little miracle is here!

She's everything we've dreamed of...

Hey Good Lookin!

2009-10-27T21:28:00.001-04:00

The last award I received was in high school...

However, The other day, I received this little beauty!

from the READING FOR SANITY blog.

(an oh-so-fantastic book review blog)

What? ME?!? Thank you. Thank you!

I'm a little embarrassed, a little excited, and completely flattered!

Thanks for noticing my new header* BTW!

This award is meant as a pat on the back to those paying particular attention to their blog presentation...so now I get to choose 5 blogs who I deem ever so worthy of that particular pat on the back!

In no particular order...

Feigning Fertility: Ashley's eloquent words hit home to many a woman who has felt the pain of infertility or miscarriage, and the sweet blessing of adoption. She's inspiring, sincere and witty. And she deserves some kudos for the cute blog headers that she is always creating!
Scatter Sunshine: Her happy personality is always bringing us awesome ideas and inspiration to "brighten" up our lives! Her blog design perfectly portrays her sunshine personality. Also...check out her yummy recipe blog here!
The Idea Room: For her new blog layout which makes it so easy to access all of the super easy and fun sewing, craft, activity, and food ideas that she has to share with us! She also sells some of her products!
The Coterie: I just love her simple and streamlined design, not to mention her photography skills, great finds that she shares daily, and her fabulous etsy products!
Elegant Word Art by Bethany: She doesn't even know who I am (she will now!) but I love, love, love her endless plethora of word art. I use it all the time in my digital scrapbooking. She has word art ranging from Twilight quotes to Motivational sayings to anything else you can think of!

Okay ladies, if you are up to playing along here are the rules:
1. Post the award on your blog, with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.

2. Pass the award to 5 other blogs that you particularly like. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

Thanks to all these ladies for sharing your great talents and personalities with us!

*header designed by me in Heritage Makers studio, using Jamie Dell Scraps Kit "Dance in the Rain"

Why be normal?

2009-10-22T17:23:00.002-04:00

I posted this on my personal blog today and thought that I would update here too.

Things have gone so well this pregnancy and I have NO room to complain, after all, I AM pregnant and it has been wonderful! However, when life starts to get normal at all, I have learned to start to wonder what will happen next...

Here is the story, the best that I can explain it. We went to the doctor a few weeks ago and he ordered a blood test. Because I am taking 81 mg of baby aspirin (which my previous doc in St. Louis put me on) they wanted to make sure there wasn't anything major before taking me off of the baby aspirin which they usually do in the last month of pregnancy. Mostly they were screening for chances of blood clotting issues and such. I went back to the doctor about a week later and they received a fax from the lab which contained information about MTHFR (Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductace) gene mutation and a few other things that I didn't understand completely.

They explained that it was a rare genetic deficiency and that it had to do with elevated homocystiene levels, blood clots, and absorbing folic acid. Normally pregnant women have elevated homocystiene levels, which puts them/us at a greater risk of blood clotting. However, with this specific mutations I have even higher homocystiene levels, thus causing an even greater risk for things like thrombosis (blood clots) and arteriosclerosis (hardening of arteries) which can eventually lead to other complications such as heart attack and stroke. Blah!

Now, before you go and get all freaked out...know this:

Everything is going to be just fine, I am doing well and more importantly so is our little girl. I have no known blood clots so far. The doctor has been having me come at weekly intervals at this point (which they usually don't start until about the 35/36th week) and my blood pressure has been normal, I have had little to no swelling and no unexplained pain. Each week they do an Fetal NST (non-stress test). And so far, she had not been "stressed". Also, because of my family history none of this information surprised me way to much and I felt that there was no need to worry so much. (What really intrigued me most was that they also mentioned that this blood clotting could be one of the causes of my many previous miscarriages. To be brief, the elevated homocystiene levels could have possibly caused the blood behind the placenta to clot or lack of blood flow to the baby, causing miscarriage.)

They mentioned that they would send the new lab information to the perionatologist (high-risk pregnancy doctor) and have him look over it and they told me that I may need to meet with him.

Later on in the week (about a week ago) I got a call from the perionatologist office and they scheduled an appointment for me to meet with him October 21st (yesterday). After this call, I was actually a little bit nervous, mostly because he is a high-risk doctor. In my mind, going to a high-risk doctor means that I have a high-risk pregnancy, that there are complications. Something that just causes me to stress and worry all the more!

So, yesterday morning we got up and headed to the perinatal center for our consultation. We thought that they were going to do ANOTHER ultrasound (which I don't mind, but we've had a total of 6!), because that is what the receptionist had mentioned might happen. However, no ultrasound, we just met with the doc. And, the new news is that I have a rare genetic defect which can lead to complications in pregnancy.

There is so much medical mumbo jumbo that I can hardly keep up with it. But, to help myself understand it better I am laying it out in writing.

I have PAI-1 Homozygous 4G/4G allele.

I also have MTHFR mutations C677T/A1298C.

Try to understand that! Ha!

Combined, these two little deficiencies do the following...

I'll try my best to explain it all in basic terms:

The MTHFR gene is responsible to absorbing folate. And we all know that folate/folic acid is very important during pregnancy and while trying to concieve. So, because I am deficeint, I have to take extra folic acid on top of my prenatal pills. Not so painful. :)

Because this deletion of MTHFR, I have extra high levels of homocystiene, and increased risk for blood clots I am now on a blood thinner or anticoagulant known as Lovenox, which I will have to be on from now until about 36 weeks, then I will be on heparin, then Lovenox again until 8 weeks after I give birth. Lovenox is a bit more painful...it is in injection form---I have to give myself SHOTS--in the stomach! Gag. One every day. I know lots of people out there have to give themselves shots each day for various reasons, however, if you know me, you know that I get really, really woozy around needles.

(Today, I went in and had a nurse from the hospital teach me how to give myself the shot. What an angel, she had me practice on a towel with some water filled syringes a couple times, then I GAVE MYSELF the shot! It was quick and painless...until about 30 seconds...then, it BURNED, it felt like someone was pinching me really hard in the love handle and twisting! However, the 7 or 8 minutes of pain subsided and I am now feeling confident about giving myself an injection each day. Thanks to the angel nurse!

The PAI-1 is a little more difficult to explain, I am still trying to keep the two separated but I think the truth is that they are related, they are both on the same genes from what I understand. But it is also related to the blood and thrombosis. It is also related to metabolism somehow. What I remember most from what he said is that because of the increase risk of blood clotting, I cannot ever be on a hormonal birth control and I will not be able to take hormonal supplements such as estrogen when the time comes (such as menopause). And because the blood clotting factor is not enough... It also puts me at a greater risk to have complications in pregnancies... such as miscarraige, stillbirth, preeclampsia/eclampsia, placental abrubtion, intrauterine growth restriction (small babies) and prematurity. Ya.

Other than ALL of THAT yuckiness...

No changes in my activity or diet, just keep exercising and healthy eating habits...they called me because they WERE supposed to have me have an ultrasound, so today I went in and saw baby Hannah again! (However, can multiple ultrasounds do damage to baby at all? Just wondering...) Mostly because I have ultrasound #8 in 2 weeks to make sure baby is still healthy and growing well. I still go to my regular OB ever week and so between all of it, I feel that I am pretty well taken care of!

The feeling that Connel and I get is that everything is going to be okay, so far my pregnancy has gone extremely well and we have had little to no scares. We are very very very lucky to have this little sweetie growing (and having a personal party) inside my womb. She has been right on track in all the ultrasounds and there has not been anything of note to cause concern or alarm before this.

After we left the doctor, I was a little subdued and Connel asked if I was okay, I started to cry because I wasn't. I was mostly upset because everything was going fine and then this had to happen. I told him that I just wish that things could be normal for once and that I could have a regular pregnancy just like the a NORMAL woman, no worries about miscarraige and blood clots...just the NORMAL pregnancy woes like back pain and nausea! I also told him that I just wanted to know that our baby girl would be healthy and safe when she was born and things like this always make me worry!

However, despite this bloody little setback, I have to acknowledge that I do have so many things to be grateful for...

I am so grateful that I have such a supportive and uplifting husband! Connel has been a real strength to me during any hard time and through this pregnancy he has been no different, always helping me with the normal pregnant things that I can't do like lift and pull and bend. Giving me backrubs and foot rubs at any request, offering to give me a pedicure (which I have yet to claim, maybe I'll take him up on that this evening!), suffering through my snoring and endless tossing and turning and taking up most of the bed. (I have a funny story about that, BTW!) And following me from kid sale to kid sale just to carry all the clothes that I have stocked up on for Hannah! And most of all caring about my feelings and supporting me with uplifting words when things like this happen, whether large or small.

I have felt that the doctors that I have had throughout this pregnancy have been inspired. My doctor in St. Louis put me on baby aspirin which they do for many pregnant patients to prevent blood clots, but she did this without prior testing, hoping that it would help decrease the chance of miscarriage. Then, the doctor here was doing the blood screening to make sure there were no issues which would cause complications, and because of his thoroughness, we have been able to hopefully prevent any awful complications. I have a family history of heart disease and such, but no personal prior medical history of any blood clotting issues. When the doctor recommended baby aspirin, I thought it to be sort of random, it was also random that they did the blood clot screening here in Ohio... I really feel like Heavenly Father has definitely been intervening in our behalf, medically and otherwise.

And what would I do without my family and friends! You have rejoiced and cried with us when we finally had a successful pregnancy. We have received more support than we could have ever asked for during this pregnancy. You have all given me hope through your well wishes and words of encouragement. We have been spoiled through two baby showers already and another one coming up! And most importantly you have given us so much support through your prayers and love!

So I guess, come to think of it...with all the blessings attached, why would I even want to be normal? Normal is boring!

Never thought I would cry over Chocolate Cake...

2009-10-18T14:42:00.000-04:00

A blogging friend of mine, recently wrote THIS POST at the blog We Are All Mothers. It is an amazing allegory that beautifully and explains the feelings that one may experience in the journey of infertility and miscarriage. And then, the feelings of finally receiving your "dessert".

(Christne: I have a hard time posting commnents on your blog for some reason, but I wanted to tell you that your words are soo beautiful!)

Whenever I hear the song of a bird...

2009-10-15T12:07:00.000-04:00

When I was a little girl, my Mom used to sing songs to me as she rocked me to sleep...

This is one of my favorites...

"Whenever I hear the song of a bird
Or look at the blue, blue sky,
Whenever I feel the rain on my face
Or the wind as it rushes by,
Whenever I touch a velvet rose
Or walk by our lilac tree,
I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world
Heavenly Father created for me.

He gave me my eyes that I might see
The color of butterfly wings.
He gave me my ears that I might hear
The magical sound of things.
He gave me my life, my mind, my heart:
I thank him reverently.
For all his creations, of which I'm a part.
Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me.

I am listening to it right now from this soundtrack...

(which is a beautifully peaceful soundtrack by the way)

Somehow I just happened to look outside the window at the same time as this song was playing, And in the quiet rain I saw 3 or 4 little birdies, flitting around and eating from the neighbor's bird seed...

It almost seems to perfect doesn't it? It is...

It's just a little miracle for my day, something to remind me that He is there... in everything.

My Heavenly Father loves me...he loves me so much that he is letting me be a part of one of his creations...

...a creation that, in 6-8 weeks, I will hold in my arms and sing to sleep.

Love this new website...

2009-10-10T02:51:00.004-04:00

Finding HOPE

"No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations."
The Infinite Power of Hope
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Fireside this Weekend

2009-10-05T22:07:00.002-04:00

If I still lived in the Idaho Falls or surrounding area...I would NOT MISS THIS FIRESIDE!

This Sunday there will be a fireside in Idaho Falls (Oh, how I miss my Idaho...) mrs. r (the r house) will be speaking about finding hope through infertility and adoption.

If you live in the Idaho Falls or surrounding area and have been affected by infertility and/or adoption...you need to attend this fireside!!!

Taylor Mountain Stake Center

260 Castlerock Lane, Idaho Falls, ID 83404

(it's right behind Taylorview Jr High)

6pm

...and there will even be treats.

Angels

2009-09-14T08:43:00.008-04:00

A few days ago, I went to my new doctor here in Ohio. The day before I made the appointment I had received my records from my previous OB in the mail. So, the night before I went in to see the new OB I decided to go through the paperwork to make sure everything was there and ready.

I started through the packet and was taken back a year ago to when we first started meeting with the doctor in Missouri. My first appointment was an ultrasound to check that all was well in my uterus and that there was no tissue left from my recent miscarriage. Suddenly, the feelings of that time last year raced back to me. I literally held my breath as I remembered the loss, the stress, the disappointment and feelings of depression. I even started feeling a little woozy.

I continued to scan the paperwork and was brought through somewhat of a clinical journey of our recovery from the miscarriage, and beginning the process of trying to conceive once again, onto progesterone supplements and ovulation tracking and Metformin.

Then, finally, I came upon the note of the call to the doctor about a positive pregnancy test...and I started sobbing. Why? When I looked at my journey on paper, printed lab notes with garble about hormone levels and scribbled over in doctor's handwriting, it all seemed to go by so quickly. Yet, I knew that the journey to conceive is not just a medical one. Mine definitely wasn't, and it did not go by quickly. The doctor didn't scribble about the days that I had to mentally push myself out of bed and take a shower. There were no lab tests to check my levels of heartache. No prescriptions to help with the pain of loss and longing.

As I sit here and type this I realize...My doctor appointment this week was on the 10th...I went through those papers on the night of September 9th, 2009...Exactly one year to the day from the loss of our third pregnancy. It may seem somewhat lame to you that all these dates coincide and that they are so important to me, but it is only because I am reminded of the importance of timing and remembering things like this...It seems like a way to help me remember the literal and spiritual blessings that came from our journey.

There was a time at the beginning of my pregnancy that I was feeling a LARGE amount of anxiety. This was due to stress at my job, stress with unsure changes with my husband's job, and of course trying to take it easy during a very busy time in our lives so that this pregnancy would not result in loss.

One night, Connel asked if I would like to have a blessing. There were some very significant things that were said and felt in that blessing, but one particular thing that I will always remember from that blessing is this...When the pioneers were crossing the plains, there were hard times when they were lifted and carried, through that which they thought they could not bear, by angels. Just as the pioneers were carried by angels, angels have been and are carrying me.

In Sunday School this past Sunday, we discussed the Handcart Pioneers, namely the Martin and Willie handcart companies. Toward the end of the lesson this quote was shared. I have heard this quote one or two time before and before the teacher arrived at the end of it, I was sobbing. Not only because of the conviction with which this testimony is shared. But, because of it's own significant tie to my blessing and how it can be related to all of our trials, and in our lives, particularly the trial of miscarriage and infertility.

A man who crossed the plains in the Martin handcart company lived in Utah for many years. One day he was in a group of people who began sharply criticizing the Church leaders for ever allowing the Saints to cross the plains with no more supplies or protection than a handcart company provided. The old man listened until he could stand no more; then he arose and said with great emotion:

“I was in that company and my wife was in it. … We suffered beyond anything you can imagine and many died of exposure and starvation, but did you ever hear a survivor of that company utter a word of criticism? … [We] came through with the absolute knowledge that God lives for we became acquainted with him in our extremities.

“I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up, for I cannot pull the load through it. … I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the angels of God were there.

“Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company.”

Our Heritage: A Brief History of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, 6: Faith in Every Footstep, Preparing to Leave Nauvoo

Lately, I have had a few experiences with good friends who are struggling with infertility and miscarriage. As I learn of their struggles, I again find myself remembering the grief and longing that comes through these struggles. I find myself in tears for my friends as they go through loss, medical procedures, pain (physical and emotional), grief, longing, embarrassment and many more of the feelings that inevitably come with these trials. I hope with all my heart that their pain with not be the same. However, I know that it will. They will feel all the same emotions that I did. And it sucks. The good thing is that I know something else. I know that when they are struggling, there will be someone there to lift them, to push their cart, if you will.

They did mine.

(In)Fertility Sisters

2009-08-27T12:40:00.008-04:00

This past month I have been from one end of the country to another. It was tiring, but worth it.

First, I went to visit my sister in Massachusetts and then helped her with her 2 little girls on the flights from MA to Salt Lake City.

On the plane, we had a full row---complete with a Mother, a 2 year old, a 3 month old and a Mother-to be. My sister (who also spent a significant amount of time and money on fertility treatments) leaned over and said to me..."you know, looking down our row, you would never know that we both had fertility problems..." :)

We are warriors, you know that sis?

It was on our flight to SLC, where the flight attendant looked at my little niece as we boarded the plane and mentioned that there were so many beautiful children on this flight, and then said,
"but that's because we're headed to Salt Lake City."

Crazy breeding Mormons!
...and I'm finally one of them...Boo ya.

Who is your Umbrella?

2009-07-23T13:57:00.001-04:00

Puttin' on the Ritz

2009-07-22T10:13:00.006-04:00

I read this today, and wondered...Do I flaunt my pregnancy? I know that because I am very happy and love to see my belly growing, and it's all I've ever wanted, I tend to talk about it a lot. I seriously hope that I have never "Put on the Ritz" or in other words "ostentatiously or pretentiously displayed" my pregnant belly to the point where I am snubbing others who aren't pregnant? Have I?

Have you ever known someone who totally flaunts their pregnancy? Only once have I had someone say to me (without knowing that I was struggling with infertility and multiple miscarriage) something like, "Oh, you won't understand because you've never been pregnant."

I know that I haven't run around the city dancing with my belly hanging out, but please tell me that I am not guilty of "Puttin on the Ritz"... :(

Grace

2009-07-20T10:01:00.004-04:00

Just a little warning to some of you out there: I am talking about pregnancy a little in this post, so bear with me, or, if you'd like...exit immediately.

Someone dear I know, recently talked about being at a full term pregnancy. This is her 2nd one, however her first was born premature and spent weeks in an incubator surrounded by tubes and IV's... not very fun to say the least. She wrote how blessed she felt to have Heavenly Father listen to her many prayers for her little one who is now on the way and blessing her and her pregnancy to have come as far as she has.

As I read, I was reminded that we all have our own trials that we go through. I was also reminded that Heavenly Father listens and ANSWERS our prayers.

We all have our own anxieties and fears and WHAT-IF's that run through our head constantly.

When I think someone complaining about how she was up for hours last night with 4 kids is lucky because she doesn't have any problems getting pregnant and has 4 kids under the age of 6...

When I wonder if so and so who is complaining about her messy kids leaving things around that house, knows how lucky she is to actually live in a house when there are so many others out there that have lost theirs, not to mention to actually have children to yell at about cleaning it up...

...I have to remember not to be judgmental, I have to remember that Heavenly Father cares about even the LITTLE THINGS that we are concerned over.

Which then reminds me that he is concerned for those women that I so quickly dismissed.

What I may not know, is that the woman with 4 children is in a constantly stressed out state, because it's not easy taking care of 4 kids under the age of 6 and maybe she is hiding that she is suffering a little bit of depression.

I may not know that the women complaining about her home being messy is trying to sell it and so it needs to be clean for prospective buyers, not to mention, what is really bothering her are not her children's cleaning habits, but that she just found out her son is getting into trouble with drugs and her daughter is dating some questionable boys.

But, HE knows their concerns. He knows ours. As long as we PRAY.

I'm not saying that if we don't pray, he's not going to know. After all, he is all knowing. But, he wants to know that we know he will attend to our needs.

Yesterday as I read the sacrament hymn (Reverently and Meekly Now), I read the words, "In the solemn faith of PRAYER, cast upon me all thy care, and my Spirit's grace shall be, Like a fountain unto thee."

Even if it doesn't come swiftly, even if it takes all of the patience and trust that we can muster, our Heavenly Father and our Savior are who we can trust to help us.

Yesterday morning I woke up at about 4 AM thinking that I had been sleeping on my stomach and in a HUGE state of panic. "Had I been squishing my baby?" I went back to sleep, but all during church, I felt a small sense of anxiety that I had squished my baby to death. Because I couldn't feel any movement. When I got home I ran a bath to settle my nerves, when I hopped in I said a quick and quiet little prayer that I would be able to feel my baby move and know they were movements. A few minutes past I began to feel a little settled. Then, I felt a movement, and then another one, and another one...

I wondered why He had cared to answer such a simple prayer as that? Of course he cared...because I cared, small concern as it seemed, it was big to me and so, "his grace was like a fountain."

------

P.S. I feel really bad that I have not had much to say lately.

So, I am going to direct you to some of my favorites that I have been reading lately. They all offer, when needed, a great pick me up...or sometimes, just a great perspective. Plus, they write way better than I do!

Feigning Fertility
We Are All Mothers
Moosh in Indy (especially her post about being a panda in a rabbit world)

But, I am still here, so please don't give up on me! Even if I am a little slacker!

Hope

2009-07-04T01:40:00.005-04:00

To me, hope is usually hard to explain. I know what faith is, I know that faith and hope intertwine somehow, but I have always found it hard to understand hope. I was looking through a website that I love (find it here) and she posted a quote by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf that said this:

"Hope is not knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill his promise to us."

Just like that. It makes perfect sense. Faith is belief. Hope is trust.

Whatifs

2009-06-12T10:26:00.006-04:00

I have been feeling a little What-iffy lately... It's just that I have had so many worries pop into my mind lately and I start thinking that something bad will happen.

I love Shel Silverstein, he seems to have a poem for every weird thing out there...

WHATIF
Shel Silverstein

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
and pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow taller?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems well, and then
the nighttime Whatifs strike again!

Although I am a little worried at times that I might tear my pants or that I will grow green chest hair, This is really my nightly version:

Whatif I still have a miscarraige?
Whatif I have a miscarraige while all 10 or more people I know who are pregnant right now go on to have their babies and I loose mine and just end up being pitied?
Whatif I have incompetent cervix?
Whatif I have to go on bed rest and I miss my sister's wedding?
Whatif I go on vacation and something goes wrong with the pregnancy?
Whatif the babies heart stops beating?
Whatif I didn't eat well enough in the 1st trimester?
What if those really aren't "round ligament pains" (or whatever their called?) and there is something wrong?
Whatif when they take me off of progesterone, my uterus stops working right and we loose the baby?
Whatif all this time I wanted a child and then I have it and suck at being a mother?!?

...I really need to get a project going.

Let Him Work Miracles

2009-06-04T09:21:00.012-04:00

The first Sunday in March we were in fast and testimony meeting at church. As the meeting progressed, there seemed to be a theme that continued through many testimonies.

Miracles.

I don't care what people may say... I believe in miracles. I have witnessed many miracles, large and small, seen and unseen, as I have watched family members and friends experience them. God does not leave us without experiences and examples which help witness to us that He is in our lives.

I was, however, starting to feel a little bit bitter. "What about me?" What about our miracle? That miracle where something out of my control---namely trying to conceive---suddenly goes exactly right and life is hunky dory and everyone sees that life is a miracle? In my case, Heavenly Father must know that when Satan jumps in with the "what about me?" doubts, He needs to intervene quickly...and He did, my mind and soul soon felt at peace as I realized that...the miracle that God was working had already taken place...was still taking place...Over the last 3 years, God had worked a miracle within my heart and soul.

The miracles that often go unnoticed, except by those who experience them (and often these are not even noticed until hindsight kicks in), are these miracles where God strengthens and molds us through trials and callings and life experiences. That it what I know had taken place within me. That day I shared with my branch that I know through our trails, God works miracles, but sometimes, they are not seen, sometimes he works them within us, within our hearts.

...

...

...

However,

what I didn't know...

...was that God was busy working another miracle...

...within me...

...

literally.

On April 14th, 2009, (coincidentally, my due date for our 3rd miscarriage)...

...I took a positive pregnancy test.

I am now 14 weeks pregnant.

Some of you will shout for joy because you know of the pain and struggle that it has been for us to come this far. But the reality I know is that
some of your tears will not be so happy...

To you whose tears are from the pains and longing for children, I feel very inadequate at the moment and can say nothing to try and ease that pain. I've felt that pain, and it hurts. It is real. The only person who can truly heal and comfort that pain is the Savior.

"In our own storms in life the Savior is our solace and our sanctuary. If we seek peace, we must come unto Him. He Himself spoke this eternal truth when He said, “My yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” When our souls are anchored in the safe harbor of the Savior, we can proclaim as did Paul: “We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed.” (Joseph B. Wirthlin, Ensign May 2000)

Just know that I love you, I know that many of you have prayed for us and I thank you all for the many thoughts and prayers in our behalf. We love you all so much!

"Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true."

Hope Ya Know...

2009-05-24T15:08:00.002-04:00

A message that has helped me, many times over.

And on a More Serious Note...

2009-05-23T13:21:00.001-04:00

Ya Gotta Love It...

2009-05-23T13:09:00.001-04:00

Wonderful Quote I Stumbled Across

2009-05-14T02:14:00.001-04:00

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace.
God is awake."
-- Victor Hugo

Why I Love Kids...

2009-05-05T14:35:00.002-04:00

I got my hair cut and colored. I haven't done a thing with my hair for a few months, I usually pull it up into a ponytail and I needed to do something different with the split end mess that I behold each day. The new do' feels good and makes me feel nice and fresh. Today I went to work and no one said anything. Not ONE adult said a THING about my hair. I guess it's not that important for them to say anything, but you'd think that after I haven't done a thing with it for months, some one might say something...right?

However, the moment I walked into my classroom, three of my sweet little 2 year olds told me that my hair looked pretty or that I looked pretty or the they liked my haircut. Later on in the morning 3 or 4 more kids at the center mentioned that they liked my haircut.

Too sweet.

I just love it.

Coping with Infertility as a Couple

2009-05-02T09:23:00.007-04:00

Infertility can be extremely hard on a couple's relationship.

Struggles can bring us closer or push us apart. It helps me to remember that my husband and I are in this together...after all, it takes "two to tango" Through infertility, sometimes the dance gets complicated and you end up stepping on each others feet...

Something that has really helped my husband and I is just taking time out for ourselves. We love doing things that will take our minds off of the stress and just "life" in general. Sometimes I think I get focused on the things that I don't have and forget all the things that I have that make life better. It's good for us to keep the romance alive. Especially when the "romance" can get killed by timing, pills, injections, tests, emotions, and so on.

There is a blog that has so many great date activities for couples. The blog is called
KEEPING ROMANCE ALIVE.
It offers date ideas and small daily challenges to help you keep romance in your life. As I ran across it today, a good friend of mine was featured and she has given some helpful information on the topic of dealing with infertility as a couple.

We have done a few of them and it has helped me remember that through the difficult times, I still have my husband--- one of my biggest sources of strength and support.

(I also ran across THIS today on the Resolve website.)

What Heaven Sees in You

2009-04-28T19:20:00.006-04:00

Everyone has adversity and struggles. It's hard to have hope. It's hard to climb the entire mountain when you can't see the summit. As you cling to the ledges, and slip on the rocks, on your way to the top, it's hard to remember that when you get there, it will all be worth it. In fact, It's hard to tell yourself that it will be worth it... Especially when you really don't know if it will be...

A few months ago I listened to a book on tape. (Yes, on tape...I know... ghetto!) "5 Scriptures That Will Get You Through Almost Anything" by John Bytheway and in it he said that God let Abraham go through what he did because "Abraham needed to learn something about Abraham." Abraham needed to know that he had it in himself, that he was strong enough to climb a mountain and do ANYTHING that God asked him to do.

At times I think we can feel a little bit like Abraham. Sacrificing our desires for children for other things that the Lord wants us to do at the present moment. Not that we can help it. It's just that we have to learn to give into his will and accept the "other callings" that he has for us at the time. We all have our own mountains to climb and our own sacrifices to make. We all have a little something to learn about ourselves.

Sitting in sacrament meeting a few weeks ago, I had a thought, "If we could only see what Heavenly Father sees, maybe we would be more willing to do his will."

"Hindsight is 20/20" right?

As I look back and think about the person I was 3 or more years ago...I realize that through experiences that I have had in this trail, my faith, my conviction, my testimony and the truthfulness of the gospel have all been strengthened. I have had the chance to build my own strong testimony of the Savior and his Atonement. I have come to know what it feels like to sacrifice. My husband and I have been able to build a very strong relationship. I have been able to strengthen other relationships. I understand what it really means to have an eternal family and know that all things are part of God's plan for us here on this earth. I cherish all of this knowledge with all of my heart. I really cannot say that I am grateful for this trail...What I am grateful for though, is the things that I have learned through it.

I believe that God works Miracles. However, most of the time, I forget about the Miracles that we don't see...the ones that happen within ourselves. These Miracles are ongoing.

There is a song that I know a lot of you know...

"What Heaven Sees in You" (or Three White Dresses)

It is such a beautiful song, I cry every time I hear it, it has such significance to me. I love that for the "3rd white dress" it doesn't just focus on the wedding day, but all the "promises" that we can make and that have been made to us. It reminds me that I can still go to that House of God and be reminded of those promises.

During the difficult times we go through, it's good to remember who we are and who is cheering us on.

We all have the strength to get to the top of the mountain, we just have to see it in ourselves.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

2009-04-21T19:01:00.005-04:00

A couple of days ago, I was at work and one little 2 year old said to me,

"you have alot of owie's?"

me: "A lot of owie's?, what do you mean?"

Then she proceeded to point out some of the pimples on my face. "right dare...and right dare... and..."

:(

This is not the first time this has happened.

A few weeks ago, one of the kids said,

"Ms. Laura, why do you have so many red dots on your face?"

I could have gone into detail, explaining that when you have PCOS, like me, your hormones are messed up. And even though you thought, that at 26 years old, your face would be free of that awful teenage plague of acne...you still wake every morning, to find one more brand new friend on your face. You try face creams, moisturizers, exfoliants, which, to your dismay just seem to give you more and more pimples!!!

but, instead just I said,

"They are just pimples, sweetheart"

The joys of PCOS.

Bible Stories

2009-04-16T22:18:00.001-04:00

Does anyone else read the r house blog? I love it. She has some great links for people going through infertility and adoption. I am personally interested in the links and articles that focus on infertility, just because, well, that's where we are.

THIS is my favorite post that she has ever written. Many of you have mentioned to me in comments something about women from the bible, like sarah, hannah, elisabeth, rachel, etc., struggling with a "barren womb". I thought I would share the link to this post, because the things she reiterates from the speaker are better than anything I could ever say myself about the subject. It focuses on adoption at the end but the message is so very POWERFUL.

This morning I was thinking about this subject and I had a couple thoughts flow through my mind...

First, most of these women eventually received children. And...most of their children grew up to influence generations...

Sarah: Isaac
Hannah: Samuel
Rebekah: Jacob
Elisabeth: John the Baptist

Perhaps Heavenly Father needed these women to go through trials so that they would learn to trust in him...to be prepared with unshakable testimonies to teach and raise these great men with righteousness and a firm testimony.

Do you ever wonder if Heavenly Father is preparing all of us (fertile and infertile) to raise children that may someday perhaps influence generations?

Just a thought.

Why I want to be a Mother...

2009-04-14T08:00:00.003-04:00

So I can rock-a-bye my babies.
So I can sing them lullabies and teach them finger-plays.
So I can have my kids sleep in the middle.
So I can dress up my daughters in cute little Easter clothes.
So my husband can carry our own kids on his shoulders.
So I can take them to the grocery store.
So I can see them smile.
So I can breast feed.
So I can teach my kids about Jesus.
So I can have family home evening with them, even if they don't pay attention.
So when they are hurt, I can kiss their owies better.
So I can take my kids to the park, the zoo, the fair, and the circus.
So I can listen to my own children playing in the next room.
So I can teach them how to respect others.
So I can share with them all of the greatest holiday traditions.
So they will watch me put on my makeup.
So I can finally use my degree for what I intended it for!
So I can play dress up with them.
So I can play baseball with them.
So my husband can give our kids wheel-barrow rides.
So I can have the title: Stay-At-Home Mom.
So I can love them to pieces!
So I can get dandelion bouquets.
So I can wear a baby-sling.
So I can read them The Berenstain Bears.
So I can get a sacrament meeting flower on Mother's Day...and not feel pitied.
So Disney movies will reign the DVD player.
So I can make an awesome birthday cake for their birthday.
So they can play with their cousins, and realize the importance of family relationships.
So I can say things like, "Because I said so." and "Clean behind your ears."
So there will be fruit snacks, graham crackers, and juice cups all over my van.
So I can have my front porch covered in sidewalk chalk.
So we can lie in the grass in the summer air and look for cloud shapes.
So I can be the "guest of honor" at a baby shower.
So I can someday send my kids to kindergarten...then off to college.
So I can become a Mother-in-law.
So I can become a grandmother.
So I can become a great-grandmother.
So I can make cookies and have my kids decorate them.
etc, etc, etc...

Today was supposed to be my due date.
April 14th, 2009.

I know that I will have the chance to Mother that child someday.

Change

2009-04-13T00:47:00.003-04:00

Life is never what you expect.

"I've wanted to be a mother ever since I was 3 and played house with my dolls."
I've seen that written on quite a few blogs I've been reading lately.

I'll tell you, that I don't really remember what I wanted to be when I was 3. When I played house, I was never the Mom. I always wanted to be the teenager! The 16 year old teenager with a boyfriend named J.T.T.

I do remember imagining what my life would be like when I was about 7 or 8. I wanted to be a Rock Star! On stage, bright lights, Oh yeah! The tiny little shy girl from Panorama was going to have the world as a stage! I would sing for hours on the end of my bed or while jumping on the trampoline with a hairbrush in my hand. I was sure that I was the next Mariah Carey!

Well, as I grew up and ended up in the mediocre mixed choir my senior year of high school while all my friends were in the "elite" Bonnevaires tour choir, I started thinking harder about what I really wanted to do with my life.

My best friend and I would drive around in her truck for hours and talk about the future. "So, what do you want to do when you are done with high school?"

I didn't really know. "Oh, I guess go to college or something, then get married, then I just want to be a stay-at-home Mom or something."

When I said it, it became real. I realized that was what I truly wanted. The wish that I had for myself.

When I went to college, I chose a major that would blend perfectly into motherhood. Early Childhood/Special Education. I actually never expected to use it for work--just motherhood. I got married my 2nd year of college and 9 months before we graduated, we stopped using birth control. It was going to work out perfect! We would both graduate together in December, my husband would get a great job right out of college. I would waddle down the graduation aisle with my fully pregnant belly, then begin my dream as a stay-at-home mom, now fully equipped with all of the modern knowledge and skills needed to educate and raise my children successfully!

...9 months later, no job, a (somewhat) flat tummy, and 2 diplomas in hand, we found ourselves still overlooking Brigham Young University-Idaho, and we had no plans at all.

We've had many experiences, where things didn't work out how we'd planned. --I'm sure that we all have.

Infertility is the most dominant that I've experienced.

I am a planner. When something is planned and things don't work out according to that plan, I kind of go crazy. I get grumpy or stressed or depressed, or maybe even all three. It's really hard for me to have a good attitude when it comes to unfulfilled plans.

What I have to remember is the ultimate plan. The Plan of Happiness. We can still be happy through our trials. Can't we? Elder Richard G. Scott said this in the LDS General Conference last week and it really stuck out to me:

"When we live righteously and have received the ordinances of the temple, everything else is in the hands of the Lord. We can do the best we can, but the final outcome is up to Him. We should never complain, when we are living worthily, about what happens in our lives."

In fact, it was kind of a wake up call for me. Hard things happen, but I can still be a happy person. Life changes, but when I realize that my life is in the hands of the Lord, I know I can trust in Him. Ultimately, I will probably become better for it.

TEAM TESSA: Sister Support

2009-04-11T16:02:00.003-04:00

Two years ago, my older sister's first child (conceived through IVF), Tessa, was born prematurely. She weighed 2 lbs 3 oz at birth, but is now a healthy and happy little two year old!

One of the many organizations that helped support Tessa was the March of Dimes. The March of Dimes organization helps with research on premature birth and preventing birth defects and gives hospital support to families of premature babies.

Last year, my older sister participated in the March of Dimes-March for Babies in her area, as they were one of the many people that supported their family at Tessa's birth. The research they have supported over the years helped make it possible for Tessa to survive when she was born 13 weeks early. They also provided a representative to give comfort and support to their family while Tessa was in the hospital.

(Tessa on the day of last year's March for Babies)

This year, my sister's family is expecting their second baby and on bed rest. Therefore, it is not possible for her to walk in the March for Babies in her area.

That is why I am walking. To provide some sisterly support, for my sister and Tessa, and for Tessa's new little sister (also conceived through IVF) who we, most likely, will be expecting to come earlier than due as well...

I will be walking at the following event (in 2 weeks!):

April 25, 2009
The Muny-St. Louis Forest Park
Lower Muny Parking Lot
St. Louis, MO 63112
9:oo AM

To help support Team Tessa: Sister Support you can click here and
JOIN MY TEAM!

Or if you don't live near the event or cannot participate in the walk, you can still support our team by
DONATING HERE.

Or click the link on my sidebar to take you to my March for Babies page.

Are We Not All Mothers?

2009-03-26T08:39:00.010-04:00

This post may seem a bit unusual to you.

There is now a new category listed at Mormon Mommy Blogs. (I told you this would sound unusual.)

The new category is: {Drumroll please...}

INFERTILITY

What? On a mommy blog connection?

Well, the moderator of Mormon Mommy Blogs said "she choose that name in response to the already existing phrase "mommy blogs" and doesn't mean it to be exclusive."

As someone dear to me said, "it would be nice to have infertility exposed in the Mormon world".

Really, exposed?

You bet.

It not like we are not already used to it!!! After more than monthly appointments at the OBGYN and RE, dicussions with family, friends, and yes, even complete strangers about our most intimate relations, YOU'D THINK WE'D BE USED TO IT!

We infertility bloggers are NOT trying to put on a show or start a pity party for ourselves.

What we ARE doing is creating a network for ourselves, to cope and to lean on one another through our struggles.

Plus...

...there are others who NEED TO KNOW that they are not lone infertility warriors in the mormon mommy "bloggernacle".

So, by creating just one link, we can expand the network and use the avenue to connect with others out there who are having some of the same struggles that we are having. I hope to learn more and to cope better with the struggles that I am handed by linking up with others. I also hope to help others do the same.

Now, I do understand the need of a feeling of privacy for some of you, so if you would like me to take your link off of my sidebar, I will do so. Just let me know by emailing me at craftylulu{at}hotmail{dot}com.

And if you are still in doubt to whether Infertility should be listed on Mormon Mommy blogs...Here is a link to a talk given by one of my all time favorites, Sheri L. Dew...

Are We Not All Mothers?

Sheri L. Dew
Second Counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency

“Motherhood is more than bearing children. . . . It is the essence of who we are as women.”

This summer four teenage nieces and I shared a tense Sunday evening when we set out walking from a downtown hotel in a city we were visiting to a nearby chapel where I was to speak. I had made that walk many times, but that evening we suddenly found ourselves engulfed by an enormous mob of drunken parade-goers. It was no place for four teenage girls, or their aunt, I might add. But with the streets closed to traffic, we had no choice but to keep walking. Over the din, I shouted to the girls, "Stay right with me." As we maneuvered through the crush of humanity, the only thing on my mind was my nieces' safety.

Thankfully, we finally made it to the chapel. But for one unnerving hour, I better understood how mothers who forgo their own safety to protect a child must feel. My siblings had entrusted me with their daughters, whom I love, and I would have done anything to lead them to safety. Likewise, our Father has entrusted us as women with His children, and He has asked us to love them and help lead them safely past the dangers of mortality back home.

Loving and leading—these words summarize not only the all-consuming work of the Father and the Son, but the essence of our labor, for our work is to help the Lord with His work. How, then, may we as Latter-day women of God best help the Lord with His work?

Prophets have repeatedly answered this question, as did the First Presidency six decades ago when they called motherhood "the highest, holiest service . . . assumed by mankind."¹

Have you ever wondered why prophets have taught the doctrine of motherhood—and it is doctrine—again and again? I have. I have thought long and hard about the work of women of God. And I have wrestled with what the doctrine of motherhood means for all of us. This issue has driven me to my knees, to the scriptures, and to the temple—all of which teach an ennobling doctrine regarding our most crucial role as women. It is a doctrine about which we must be clear if we hope to stand "steadfast and immovable"² regarding the issues that swirl around our gender. For Satan has declared war on motherhood. He knows that those who rock the cradle can rock his earthly empire. And he knows that without righteous mothers loving and leading the next generation, the kingdom of God will fail.

When we understand the magnitude of motherhood, it becomes clear why prophets have been so protective of woman's most sacred role. While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord's language, the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve "the mother of all living"³—and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. Just as worthy men were foreordained to hold the priesthood in mortality,⁴ righteous women were endowed premortally with the privilege of motherhood.⁵ Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us.

President Gordon B. Hinckley stated that "God planted within women something divine."⁶ That something is the gift and the gifts of motherhood. Elder Matthew Cowley taught that "men have to have something given to them [in mortality] to make them saviors of men, but not mothers, not women. [They] are born with an inherent right, an inherent authority, to be the saviors of human souls . . . and the regenerating force in the lives of God's children."⁷

Motherhood is not what was left over after our Father blessed His sons with priesthood ordination. It was the most ennobling endowment He could give His daughters, a sacred trust that gave women an unparalleled role in helping His children keep their second estate. As President J. Reuben Clark Jr. declared, motherhood is "as divinely called, as eternally important in its place as the Priesthood itself."⁸

Nevertheless, the subject of motherhood is a very tender one, for it evokes some of our greatest joys and heartaches. This has been so from the beginning. Eve was "glad" after the Fall, realizing she otherwise "never should have had seed."⁹ And yet, imagine her anguish over Cain and Abel. Some mothers experience pain because of the children they have borne; others feel pain because they do not bear children here. About this Elder John A. Widtsoe was explicit: "Women who through no fault of their own cannot exercise the gift of motherhood directly, may do so vicariously."¹⁰

For reasons known to the Lord, some women are required to wait to have children. This delay is not easy for any righteous woman. But the Lord's timetable for each of us does not negate our nature. Some of us, then, must simply find other ways to mother. And all around us are those who need to be loved and led.

Eve set the pattern. In addition to bearing children, she mothered all of mankind when she made the most courageous decision any woman has ever made and with Adam opened the way for us to progress. She set an example of womanhood for men to respect and women to follow, modeling the characteristics with which we as women have been endowed: heroic faith, a keen sensitivity to the Spirit, an abhorrence of evil, and complete selflessness. Like the Savior, "who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross,"¹¹ Eve, for the joy of helping initiate the human family, endured the Fall. She loved us enough to help lead us.

As daughters of our Heavenly Father, and as daughters of Eve, we are all mothers and we have always been mothers. And we each have the responsibility to love and help lead the rising generation. How will our young women learn to live as women of God unless they see what women of God look like, meaning what we wear, watch, and read; how we fill our time and our minds; how we face temptation and uncertainty; where we find true joy; and why modesty and femininity are hallmarks of righteous women? How will our young men learn to value women of God if we don't show them the virtue of our virtues?

Every one of us has an overarching obligation to model righteous womanhood because our youth may not see it anywhere else. Every sister in Relief Society, which is the most significant community of women on this side of the veil, is responsible to help our young women make a joyful transition into Relief Society. This means our friendship with them must begin long before they turn 18. Every one of us can mother someone—beginning, of course, with the children in our own families but extending far beyond. Every one of us can show by word and by deed that the work of women in the Lord's kingdom is magnificent and holy. I repeat: We are all mothers in Israel, and our calling is to love and help lead the rising generation through the dangerous streets of mortality.

Few of us will reach our potential without the nurturing of both the mother who bore us and the mothers who bear with us. I was thrilled recently to see one of my youth leaders for the first time in years. As a teenager who had absolutely no self-confidence, I always sidled up to this woman because she would put her arm around me and say, "You are just the best girl!" She loved me, so I let her lead me. How many young men and women are desperate for your love and leadership? Do we fully realize that our influence as mothers in Israel is irreplaceable and eternal?

When I was growing up, it was not uncommon for Mother to wake me in the middle of the night and say, "Sheri, take your pillow and go downstairs." I knew what that meant. It meant a tornado was coming, and I was instantly afraid. But then Mother would say, "Sheri, everything will be OK." Her words always calmed me. Today, decades later, when life seems overwhelming or frightening, I call Mother and wait for her to say, "Everything will be OK."

Recent horrifying events in the United States have underscored the fact that we live in a world of uncertainty. Never has there been a greater need for righteous mothers—mothers who bless their children with a sense of safety, security, and confidence about the future, mothers who teach their children where to find peace and truth and that the power of Jesus Christ is always stronger than the power of the adversary. Every time we build the faith or reinforce the nobility of a young woman or man, every time we love or lead anyone even one small step along the path, we are true to our endowment and calling as mothers and in the process we build the kingdom of God. No woman who understands the gospel would ever think that any other work is more important or would ever say, "I am just a mother," for mothers heal the souls of men.

Look around. Who needs you and your influence? If we really want to make a difference, it will happen as we mother those we have borne and those we are willing to bear with. If we will stay right with our youth—meaning, if we will love them—in most cases they will stay right with us—meaning, they will let us lead them.

As mothers in Israel, we are the Lord's secret weapon. Our influence comes from a divine endowment that has been in place from the beginning. In the premortal world, when our Father described our role, I wonder if we didn't stand in wide-eyed wonder that He would bless us with a sacred trust so central to His plan and that He would endow us with gifts so vital to the loving and leading of His children. I wonder if we shouted for joy¹² at least in part because of the ennobling stature He gave us in His kingdom. The world won't tell you that, but the Spirit will.

We just can't let the Lord down. And if the day comes when we are the only women on earth who find nobility and divinity in motherhood, so be it. For mother is the word that will define a righteous woman made perfect in the highest degree of the celestial kingdom, a woman who has qualified for eternal increase in posterity, wisdom, joy, and influence.

I know, I absolutely know, that these doctrines about our divine role are true, and that when understood they bring peace and purpose to all women. My dear sisters, whom I love more than I know how to express, will you rise to the challenge of being mothers in these perilous times, though doing so may test the last ounce of your endurance and courage and faith? Will you stand steadfast and immovable as a mother in Israel and a woman of God? Our Father and His Only Begotten Son have given us a sacred stewardship and a holy crown in their kingdom. May we rejoice in it. And may we be worthy of Their trust. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

The Fertility Diet

2009-03-23T14:08:00.010-04:00

All of us infertiles (blah..I hate that word...when you look it up in the dictionary you get words like impoverished and exhausted. Can they be any more depressing, or are they closer to the truth than they know??) Let's use...reproductively challenged?

Oy...there really is nothing that makes infertility sound any better...

Anyway, so back to before the tangent...all of us "reproductively challenged" out there will do just about anything to increase our chances of fertility. Awhile ago, when I finally accepted that I needed more than just some romantic music and a piece of lingerie to get pregnant, my sister told me about an article she had read about diet and it's effects on fertility.

It's a study that was done by researchers from Harvard Medical School. They did an eight-year study involving more than 18,000 women, which is part of the Nurses' Health Study. They compiled a book which talks about 10 changes that you can make to your diet and lifestyle to improve fertility.

This is why it sounds appealing to me:

It offers a plan that improves ovulation and fertility.
It's NOT a fad DIET, it is a just a healthy eating style. It is good for the heart, bones, and the rest of the body.
It can keep me be healthy throughout my life and hopefully throughout a pregnancy or two (or MORE!)
Besides improving fertility, eating healthy has many other benefits.
It supposed to be more than just a bunch of wives tales and "how-to's" for getting pregnant.
I can still eat ice cream!
I can still use other reproductive medicines and technology while making the changes (diet and exercise)

The fertility diet is aimed towards those with ovulatory infertility, (which, "accounts for one quarter or more of all cases of infertility.") However, it will not work for infertility that may be due to physical barriers such as fallopian tube blockage, etc. It also did not include in the research any information about male factor infertilty. But, eating healthier can be beneficial for ANYONE right?

So, today I bought their book:
On the grounds that any chance to improve fertility will be beneficial. I'm starting the healthy lifestyles changes when it arrives. I need a bit of time to get rid of those Cheetos and Oreos, but, for heavens sakes...I'm not just going to throw them away!

I'll let you know how I like it.

Laughing

2009-03-17T04:07:00.009-04:00

Sometimes you just need to laugh.

My husband...He is so funny.

About a week ago, he told me that he was going to surprise me. Oooo! I love surprises! Maybe he is going to take me out to dinner, maybe he is going to give me a present, maybe he is going to give me an envelope with 2 tickets for a cruise to the carribean...

...then, a few nights later, he came in the house with something behind his back and told me to choose a hand.
...
...
...

The suspense is killing you right?

After deliberating over which hand might contain my beloved cruise tickets, I choose the right hand and I am presented with this...

...hmmm.

What do you think it is?

It is, in fact, a device that can hold the cup that I have to pee in in order to use my ovulation test strips.

I had several thoughts pass through my mind...
"I could be really mad right now..."
"Is he really serious?"
"It looks like something I would see at the OBGYN's office."
"For some reason this should NOT be funny."

but...I BUSTED UP LAUGHING. I was seriously rolling.

Then he told me the reason for it (no more peeing on my hand...because, really, women just can't aim the same way men do.) and I almost peed my pants.

I have to give it to him...he is really creative.

I hope he knows that I was in a good mood that night...he might not be so lucky next time. :)

Relieved

2009-03-11T11:52:00.004-04:00

I am feeling a little sad, and at the same time relieved. I was working in the Nursery (infant and toddler) area of the day care that I work at. I usually try to keep personal life away from work life and vice-versa, however, I finally (after two months) told the owner that I would rather NOT be in that area of the day care. So, she was so gracious and moved people around to compensate for my personal feelings and emotions.

There is relief in the fact that I will not be further paining myself by being around infants every single day, however, you can help but bond with the children that you are around and so I will miss being with them.

The hard part is trying to explain to the other people at work, the why's, without going into detail. Some think it is because I don't like working with certain people, some think, it's because I don't want to be in the "dungeon" (downstairs). And so I have to explain that it is something personal that has NOTHING to do with factors at work. I like the place I work, I like my co-workers and, of course I like taking care of children.

It's interesting how there really shouldn't have to be...but everyone expects an explanation for your personal issues. If fact, some people practically demand an explanation for a couple's childlessness. Can't people just mind their own business? (I say, as I write on my public infertility blog.)

Patience

2009-02-28T22:35:00.002-05:00

Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come.
~Joseph F. Smith

Loved this quote.

No Other Way

2009-02-28T19:34:00.012-05:00

One night, a few weeks after I miscarried, I lay in bed sobbing, pleading, praying...

...asking aimlessly the WHY's? Why do I have to go through this? To feel so much pain? Though I already knew the answer to my question, it still hurt so bad, in every aspect. So I kept asking questions.

Do I really have to go through this?
Do I really have to feel all of this pain?
Can't you just take it away from me?

Isn't there ANY OTHER WAY?

Then my thoughts were interrupted by a still, small, comforting voice,

"NO"

Then, my thoughts were overcome, I remembered what the Savior said as he suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane, "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will but thine, be done." (Luke 42:22)

Even the Savior was aware of the weight of the burdens that he was about to bear when he suffered in Gethsemane.

Even He asked for relief. Even He asked for deliverance.
BUT...he still did what he needed to do, he did the will of the Father, he still felt the pain for us because he loved us and because...

There was NO OTHER WAY.

Then, like the Lord calming the sea after the storm, I felt a wave of peaceful thoughts wash over me.

I knew that as long as I let the Savior in to help lift me and carry my burden, I could do the will of my Father in Heaven. Even though I want so bad to have all the pain taken from me and to have a child placed in my arms, the Lord has other plans for me right now, and I need to fulfill them.

I take comfort that even as he felt the pains and suffering of our afflictions, he knows ALL the feelings that come with trails, he understands the anguish and the uncertainty, he understands the pain and the sorrow.

This is what I have to go through, at this time and place in my life... there is no other way that I can learn what I need to learn and there is no other time that I can touch the lives that need touching.

I'm Sick

2009-02-18T21:42:00.008-05:00

I'm sick today. I have a bad head cold.

I went to the store to buy some things for a church activity.

As I sauntered through the aisles, I remembered a shower that I had been invited to, but I am not going because "it's my birthday weekend" and we are going out of town...(okay, okay, so the plan is partly an excuse so I don't end up going to a party that I will come home sobbing from after listening to 20 or so women talk about their childbearing and pregnancy experiences...)

Anyway, I still wanted to get her a gift. I thought I would be daring and venture down the diaper aisle..."just get some diapers and GET OUTTA THERE!" I thought to myself.

You'd think that I'd chosen the safest place in the baby section to undertake...

...

...next time I will volunteer someone else to do that for me.

Why is it that the smell of (clean) baby diapers makes my heart ache?

Die For That

2009-02-17T10:04:00.004-05:00

I love this song...

At One

2009-02-11T08:52:00.004-05:00

Outside, it is raining.

I am crying.

I cry for things lost. For things that have yet to come.

I stare through the pane, as the small water droplets form along the glass...the only thing that separates me from the storm.

I long to feel the moisture upon my skin, and something within tells me to pursue.

I retreat to feel the cool shower upon my crown, and the droplets become one with my tears.

Soon, the tears disappear.

I find peace for a moment, slumber, dream.

The morning comes, the rain still pours, but my spirit; anew.

As the storm subsides, the luster of the sun shows the damp landscape.

I feel it's warmth through the clouds.

I absorb the frolic of the birdsong and the trickle of the stream.

The earth is content, and, for a moment, I.

Disappointed...

2009-01-23T01:49:00.002-05:00

Hoping...

2009-01-08T23:27:00.003-05:00

Hopeful

2009-01-04T18:01:00.003-05:00

I started taking ovulation tests on the 17th and FINALLY...I am ovulating! I am hopeful for two different things...First, that I will GET PREGNANT of course! Second, that if I don't...I won't be too disappointed, which of course is pointless because I know that if I don't get pregnant, I will most definitely be DISAPPOINTED.

Divine Nature

2008-12-02T00:13:00.003-05:00

Back in September, after I miscarried, I struggled. I almost wonder if I was battling a small bought of depression. I was still in a little bit of pain, I was without a car, I didn't really know that many people, I was stuck in the house all day. I started feeling sorry for myself.

After all, we had planned it all out, I was going to stay at home until the baby was born and then I would be a SAHM---my dream job! We were going to make the extra room into a nursery, I had bought Maternity clothing already and it was haunting my closet and I day and night. I was constanty having to go to the doctor and repeat over and over "that I had miscarried" and that "when I miscarried..." and so on...it WAS really depressing.

I know that you are suppoed to share your feelings, not hide them...So I poured out my heart to my husband through gasping sobs. I poured out all the feelings to trusted friends and church leaders. It is really amazing how Heavenly Father puts you where you need to be right when you need to be there. He puts people in your life right when they need to be there. He leads you to the places that are going to benefit and help you reach where you need to be. One person in particular just happened to know first hand, and almost to the tee, how hard our experience has been. It was so comforting to have the reassurance that God cares about us enough to send us people who will touch our hearts and souls. He sends us angels. And even though I know that there are others out there who are wanting and waiting just like us, it is good to know that we are not the only ones.

After a few weeks, I was asked to go to a Relief Society Broadcast for the Church. I was actually really looking forward to it. I was hoping that it would bring me some sort of peace and comfort. I prayed to Heavenly Father to ask him to have the speakers say something that would help me to be happier, to stop feeling sorry for myself.

The first three speakers were the R.S. presidency. There talks were wonderful as always, but I still wanted to know that Heavenly Father would give me something that was JUST for me. Then Elder Uchtdorf stood up and started speaking. He talked about how we can gain the happiness that Heavenly Father enjoys. He talked about using our creativity and he talked about being compassionate. There were a few things that really stood out to me, and these were the moments that I was waiting for...These were the moments that I KNEW that Heavenly Father KNEW me and he LOVED me and CARED so much about me to give me that feeling of peace and knowledge of what to do with my life.

Elder Uchtdorf said,

"Today I would like to speak to those who have ever felt inadequate, discouraged, or weary—in short, I would like to speak to all of us.

I also pray that the Holy Ghost will amplify my words and bestow upon them additional meaning, insight, and inspiration.

We know that sometimes it can be difficult to keep our heads above water. In fact, in our world of change, challenges, and checklists, sometimes it can seem nearly impossible to avoid feeling overwhelmed by emotions of suffering and sorrow.

I am not suggesting that we can simply flip a switch and stop the negative feelings that distress us. This isn’t a pep talk or an attempt to encourage those sinking in quicksand to imagine instead they are relaxing on a beach. I recognize that in all of our lives there are real concerns. I know there are hearts here today that harbor deep sorrows. Others wrestle with fears that trouble the soul. For some, loneliness is their secret trial.

These things are not insignificant.

However, I would like to speak about two principles that may help you find a path to peace, hope, and joy—even during times of trial and distress. I want to speak about God’s happiness and how each one of us can taste of it in spite of the burdens that beset us."

"...The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before.

Everyone can create. You don’t need money, position, or influence in order to create something of substance or beauty.

Creation brings deep satisfaction and fulfillment. We develop ourselves and others when we take unorganized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty—...

...Think about it—your spirit body is a masterpiece, created with a beauty, function, and capacity beyond imagination.

But to what end were we created? We were created with the express purpose and potential of experiencing a fulness of joy.⁴ Our birthright—and the purpose of our great voyage on this earth—is to seek and experience eternal happiness. One of the ways we find this is by creating things.

If you are a mother, you participate with God in His work of creation—not only by providing physical bodies for your children but also by teaching and nurturing them. If you are not a mother now, the creative talents you develop will prepare you for that day, in this life or the next.

You may think you don’t have talents, but that is a false assumption, for we all have talents and gifts, every one of us.⁵ The bounds of creativity extend far beyond the limits of a canvas or a sheet of paper and do not require a brush, a pen, or the keys of a piano. Creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before—colorful gardens, harmonious homes, family memories, flowing laughter.

What you create doesn’t have to be perfect. So what if the eggs are greasy or the toast is burned? Don’t let fear of failure discourage you. Don’t let the voice of critics paralyze you—whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside.

If you still feel incapable of creating, start small. Try to see how many smiles you can create, write a letter of appreciation, learn a new skill, identify a space and beautify it."

"President Gordon B. Hinckley believed in the healing power of service. After the death of his wife, he provided a great example to the Church in the way he immersed himself in work and in serving others. It is told that President Hinckley remarked to one woman who had recently lost her husband, “Work will cure your grief. Serve others.”

These are profound words. As we lose ourselves in the service of others, we discover our own lives and our own happiness.

President Lorenzo Snow expressed a similar thought: “When you find yourselves a little gloomy, look around you and find somebody that is in a worse plight than yourself; go to him and find out what the trouble is, then try to remove it with the wisdom which the Lord bestows upon you; and the first thing you know, your gloom is gone, you feel light, the Spirit of the Lord is upon you, and everything seems illuminated.”

Earlier that month, I had been having many feelings of inadequacy, of wondering what in the world I was supposed to do with my life right now, if I am not supposed to have children yet? All the feelings of inadequacy were swept away with a great feeling of importance, a knowledge of my "divine nature" is what now comes to mind.

I believe that women are born with a deep instinct to nurture and to love. That nurturing feeling is DIVINE, and it is NATURAL. That natural instinct gives way to creative abilities and compassion, and so with those two abilites, I can prepare for the children that will come into my life.

Soon-in the eternal scheme of things...

Answers

2008-11-10T23:12:00.005-05:00

On Friday I helped give a baby shower. What is wrong with me? Don't ask. I usually have a hard time even GOING to baby showers. I felt like I should help with this one, that's all. I tried not to think about myself to much while I was putting things together and it kind of worked. (While she was opening presents, I had a little twinge of jealousy, especially when I held a pair of soft cotton newborn pajamas, printed with Noah's ark Animals "Two by two" it said. Well... okay, okay so that was not my only jealous moment. I had to buy a pair of size one diapers and use some of them for a game...they were so tiny and I pathetically pretended for just a small moment that I was taking them out of the package to change a little newborn bum.) But, overall, the baby shower went pretty well, so did trying not to think about myself.

On Saturday (the day after the baby shower) I was still feeling just fine. But, Heavenly Father knows what you need, when you need it...even if you don't know you need it. I had two experiences that touched me to know that I am loved and cared about. Heavenly Father cares about the questions I have in my mind. He also cares about me enough to prompt people to share their beautiful and personal experiences that will touch me in just a way and be an answer to my prayers. I wasn't even looking for these answers, in fact these were answers to a future prayer.

Tonight I started thinking that I had tried my very best to help the people that my Heavenly Father had put in my path...then, I started asking... "Well, when am I going to get someone to help me?...I need to be cared about too!"...then I remembered my answers.

Motherhood

2008-11-05T15:42:00.005-05:00

Wow...This sounds like a lot of feeling sorry for myself. And this is supposed to be about optimism? I know... Well, as I said, I have learned so much.

President Gordon B. Hinckley was the "king" of optimism and he always inspired me to be a happy person. After trails and tribulations, it is hard to be a happy person. I always loved this quote by him. "In all your living, have much fun and laughter, life is to be enjoyed, not just endured." During my miscarraige and afterwards, I sometimes would think--How am I supposed to be happy after the pain of waiting for so long, there doesn't seem to be an end to the pain of watching other people become and be mothers. That is all I have ever wanted, isn't that what God's plan is for me anyway? I thought all of us women were supposed to hold motherhood as the highest calling. We are...and I believe that now I DO hold it as THE HIGHEST calling a women can EVER have.

In my last entry, I mentioned that while I was home, my mother took care of me. Despite all the things she was going through herself, she gave her attention to me. I learned a lot about the love of a mother while I was home.

It is so important to me, even so, MORE important than it ever has been to me. I believe that if I had not go through these things, even though I know the importance of Motherhood, I would not hold it in as high regard as I do now. Like I said before, I have learned SO MUCH from my experience. So, that is where the optimism comes in. The more I learn about God's plan, and my place in it...the happier I am...and through it all if I remember that someday...SOMEDAY...even if it's not today or tomorrow or even in this life, I will be a mother.

There are hard days and I will write about them, AND OH WILL WRITE ABOUT THEM! But there are good days to and I will NOT leave those out. And hopefully, there will be more good days than bad.

God's Timing

2008-11-05T13:07:00.005-05:00

Today I have read at least 3 blogs that mentioned something about being pregnant or having a baby or how many friend(s) they had that were pregnant. I read a blog that someone actually complained about the fact that she was pregnant...COMPLAINED! Seriously...don't they know that there are people who would do just about almost anything to have a child? To be pregnant and actually stay that way? No matter how sick they were or if they were on bed rest the entire time? Really.

I know, it is soooo hard being pregnant, your sick, you look fat, you can't eat lunchmeat... Gosh that IS hard! I mean, I know...I was pregnant once. It was really hard...but it was harder to lose the pregnancy.

It was harder to lose the anticipation of finally being able to look in the mirror to see if maybe today I could see little belly forming. It was harder to lose the excitement of being able to call my husband "Dad", just for fun and to see the happy and proud look on his face. It was harder to lose the feeling of complete happiness and satisfaction, knowing that finally...finally, we were going to be filling that "void" in our lives.

I've actually been pregnant three times. Well, I think it was three...the doctors only record 2 of them, the other one was in 2007. I was starting to have thoughts that maybe I was pregnant, but then I had really, really heavy bleeding, with extremely heavy cramps and I was in bed all day...my periods are never like that. It was very similar to the 1st time I miscarried.

That was just a year earlier, in 2006. We thought I was possibly pregnant, so we went to Rite-Aid (on our 2nd wedding anniversary) and bought a pregnancy test. I took it and it was +! What a wonderful anniversary gift, we were so excited, what more could we ask for...we were both graduating in December. It was perfect timing...just how we planned it...it was just to good to be true, but it was! The next day however, I started bleeding heavily and cramping, I made a doctor's appt, went a few days later and found out that I had been pregnant, but had miscarried. My pregnancy levels were really low and so they did an ultrasound to see how everything was "inside" and then sent me home. Since we hadn't really been trying for that long (2 months) I was sad, but not devastated...and I was still optimistic. I don't really remember having any debates within myself over whether or not I had done something wrong.

We tried for another year, without really actually trying. It would happen when God wanted it to happen.

In July of this year we found out we were pregnant again. This time we told everyone after about 7 weeks. We went home to visit our families and told them all. It was so exciting. I got to be the pregnant center of attention. I got to go shopping for maternity clothes. Then, I miscarried at 9 weeks. I was still visiting my family. My hubby had to leave the day after to go back home and go back to work. My wonderful mom took care of me.

I was really sad. I had plans. Now they were changing...again.

The Condensed Version

2008-11-04T01:39:00.005-05:00

Within the first two months that was off birth control, I got pregnant. That was in 2006. We found out on our 2nd anniversary.

The next day, I started bleeding.
I went to the doctor, they did some tests and an ultrasound and then, he told me that I had started to miscarry.

Happy Anniversary.

---------------

A year later, in May of 2007. I had what at first I thought, was a really awful, awful period. When I put two and two together, I realized that I was having a miscarraige. I never took a test to see that I was pregnant. But I knew that I was pregnant. I felt the loss. It was what one doctor called a "self-diagnosed" miscarraige.

This one hurt a little more than the first one. emotionally AND physically. This time, we were really trying.

I had a crazy job at the time. So, (like a few people who are by-standers in our journey want to do...) I contributed it to stress.

I went to the doctor again. This time I had a good doctor who explained in some detail some of the hormonal imbalances that it could possibly be. Why and what's. I felt a little silly having a man tell me all that I misunderstood about my own female body. But, I did understand a little but more. He gave me a Rx to have an insulin resistance test. On the paper he gave me it said "anovulation".

However, I still wasn't ready to start tests and treatment for baby making. I was certain that I could do the job myself (well, with a little help from my hubby :). I was pretty stubborn when it came to getting treatment. I still am, a little bit.

So, I didn't take the test.

After all, it had become, for me, an age old saying, "At least I know I can get pregnant."

...just not stay that way.

---------------

Fast forward to January 2008

That's when we moved to Ohio.

That's when we started the "real" treatment.

I went to the OBGYN and he did testing and poking and prodding and an awful thing called a uterine byopsy (scraping off a sample of the uterus...sounds fun huh?)

He diagnosed me with PCOS. (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome)

He put me on meds.

A week after he put me on Metformin, I woke up early in the morning and just felt* like I should take a pregnancy test. So I did. *Just a side note,, normally I don't just "feel" like taking pregnancy tests. I usually avoid them. They are the "one pink line" plague.

I had two pink lines.
TWO!

I woke Connel up and told him I was pregnant. He was in disbelief. So was I.

That day, I kept having the worst pain in my right side. I kept worrying that I had a tubal pregnancy. I kept worrying about the Metformin that I had just started a week before (because you know that the Metformin is not what did the job, since I was obviously pregnant before I started it.)

The pain continued that entire day and I just kept getting more and more worried about it and taking the medicine. That night, we got home from a long day. I threw all the groceries on the floor and started sobbing. Why did I even have to worry about all this crap?!! Why can't I just be pregnant and happy like any normal person?!! I was crying because I was not in control, I didn't know that was going on with MY OWN BODY! Wah! Thinking about it even now makes me want to throw something!

I called the doctor. I went for a checkup, everything was fine, I was 4 weeks along. Still in the "don't tell a soul" zone. The pain in my side? A cyst had burst.

In August we moved to Missouri. We were so excited to finally use our extra bedroom for a nursery. I was excited to look at baby clothes and even went shopping for some maternity clothes.

In September we went to visit our families, I was 8 weeks pregnant. We told Connel's family, we told my family, and we told some close friends.

At nine weeks, I miscarried...again. I was still in Idaho, Connel had to leave the next day to be at work in Missouri.

It was a miserable couple of days. I had to spend a few hours in the emergency room, luckily I had my mother by my side. I really don't know what I would have done without her support those days that I didn't have Connel.

It was miserable telling all the people that I had just told a few days ago that I was NOT pregnant anymore. Blah. It made me feel sick inside. It still does.

When I came home from Idaho. I was okay. For a few days. Then it really started to hit me. I think I would have gone into depression if it weren't for my husband's backrubs and encouraging words, daily visits to the gym, my wonderful Father in Heaven who supported me on every hand, and of course, blogging.

UPDATE:
On April 14, 2009, we found out that we were expecting a little miracle.
She will arrive the first part of December!