Why be normal?

I posted this on my personal blog today and thought that I would update here too.

Things have gone so well this pregnancy and I have NO room to complain, after all, I AM pregnant and it has been wonderful!  However, when life starts to get normal at all, I have learned to start to wonder what will happen next...

Here is the story, the best that I can explain it.  We went to the doctor a few weeks ago and he ordered a blood test.  Because I am taking 81 mg of baby aspirin (which my previous doc in St. Louis put me on) they wanted to make sure there wasn't anything major before taking me off of the baby aspirin which they usually do in the last month of pregnancy.  Mostly they were screening for chances of blood clotting issues and such.  I went back to the doctor about a week later and they received a fax from the lab which contained information about MTHFR (Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductace) gene mutation and a few other things that I didn't understand completely.

They explained that it was a rare genetic deficiency and that it had to do with elevated homocystiene levels, blood clots, and absorbing folic acid.  Normally pregnant women have elevated homocystiene levels, which puts them/us at a greater risk of blood clotting.  However, with this specific mutations I have even higher homocystiene levels, thus causing an even greater risk for things like thrombosis (blood clots) and arteriosclerosis (hardening of arteries) which can eventually lead to other complications such as heart attack and stroke.  Blah!

Now, before you go and get all freaked out...know this:

 

Everything is going to be just fine, I am doing well and more importantly so is our little girl.  I have no known blood clots so far.  The doctor has been having me come at weekly intervals at this point (which they usually don't start until about the 35/36th week) and my blood pressure has been normal, I have had little to no swelling and no unexplained pain.  Each week they do an Fetal NST (non-stress test).  And so far, she had not been "stressed".  Also, because of my family history none of this information surprised me way to much and I felt that there was no need to worry so much.  (What really intrigued me most was that they also mentioned that this blood clotting could be one of the causes of my many previous miscarriages.  To be brief, the elevated homocystiene levels could have possibly caused the blood behind the placenta to clot or lack of blood flow to the baby, causing miscarriage.)

They mentioned that they would send the new lab information to the perionatologist (high-risk pregnancy doctor) and have him look over it and they told me that I may need to meet with him.

Later on in the week (about a week ago) I got a call from the perionatologist office and they scheduled an appointment for me to meet with him October 21st (yesterday).  After this call, I was actually a little bit nervous, mostly because he is a high-risk doctor.  In my mind, going to a high-risk doctor means that I have a high-risk pregnancy, that there are complications.  Something that just causes me to stress and worry all the more!

So, yesterday morning we got up and headed to the perinatal center for our consultation.  We thought that they were going to do ANOTHER ultrasound (which I don't mind, but we've had a total of 6!), because that is what the receptionist had mentioned might happen.  However, no ultrasound, we just met with the doc.  And, the new news is that I have a rare genetic defect which can lead to complications in pregnancy. 

There is so much medical mumbo jumbo that I can hardly keep up with it.  But, to help myself understand it better I am laying it out in writing.

I have PAI-1 Homozygous 4G/4G allele.

I also have MTHFR mutations C677T/A1298C.

Try to understand that! Ha!

Combined, these two little deficiencies do the following...

I'll try my best to explain it all in basic terms:

The MTHFR gene is responsible to absorbing folate.  And we all know that folate/folic acid is very important during pregnancy and while trying to concieve.  So, because I am deficeint, I have to take extra folic acid on top of my prenatal pills.  Not so painful. :)

Because this deletion of MTHFR, I have extra high levels of homocystiene, and increased risk for blood clots I am now on a blood thinner or anticoagulant known as Lovenox, which I will have to be on from now until about 36 weeks, then I will be on heparin, then Lovenox again until 8 weeks after I give birth.  Lovenox is a bit more painful...it is in injection form---I have to give myself SHOTS--in the stomach!  Gag.  One every day.  I know lots of people out there have to give themselves shots each day for various reasons, however, if you know me, you know that I get really, really woozy around needles.

(Today, I went in and had a nurse from the hospital teach me how to give myself the shot.  What an angel, she had me practice on a towel with some water filled syringes a couple times, then I GAVE MYSELF the shot!  It was quick and painless...until about 30 seconds...then, it BURNED, it felt like someone was pinching me really hard in the love handle and twisting!  However, the 7 or 8 minutes of pain subsided and I am now feeling confident about giving myself an injection each day.  Thanks to the angel nurse!

The PAI-1 is a little more difficult to explain, I am still trying to keep the two separated but I think the truth is that they are related, they are both on the same genes from what I understand.  But it is also related to the blood and thrombosis.  It is also related to metabolism somehow.  What I remember most from what he said is that because of the increase risk of blood clotting, I cannot ever be on a hormonal birth control and I will not be able to take hormonal supplements such as estrogen when the time comes (such as menopause).  And because the blood clotting factor is not enough... It also puts me at a greater risk to have complications in pregnancies... such as miscarraige, stillbirth, preeclampsia/eclampsia, placental abrubtion, intrauterine growth restriction (small babies) and prematurity.  Ya.

Other than ALL of THAT yuckiness...

No changes in my activity or diet, just keep exercising and healthy eating habits...they called me because they WERE supposed to have me have an ultrasound, so today I went in and saw baby Hannah again!  (However, can multiple ultrasounds do damage to baby at all?  Just wondering...) Mostly because I have ultrasound #8 in 2 weeks to make sure baby is still healthy and growing well.  I still go to my regular OB ever week and so between all of it, I feel that I am pretty well taken care of!

The feeling that Connel and I get is that everything is going to be okay, so far my pregnancy has gone extremely well and we have had little to no scares.  We are very very very lucky to have this little sweetie growing (and having a personal party) inside my womb.  She has been right on track in all the ultrasounds and there has not been anything of note to cause concern or alarm before this.

After we left the doctor, I was a little subdued and Connel asked if I was okay, I started to cry because I wasn't.  I was mostly upset because everything was going fine and then this had to happen.  I told him that I just wish that things could be normal for once and that I could have a regular pregnancy just like the a NORMAL woman, no worries about miscarraige and blood clots...just the NORMAL pregnancy woes like back pain and nausea!  I also told him that I just wanted to know that our baby girl would be healthy and safe when she was born and things like this always make me worry!

However, despite this bloody little setback, I have to acknowledge that I do have so many things to be grateful for...

I am so grateful that I have such a supportive and uplifting husband!  Connel has been a real strength to me during any hard time and through this pregnancy he has been no different, always helping me with the normal pregnant things that I can't do like lift and pull and bend.  Giving me backrubs and foot rubs at any request, offering to give me a pedicure (which I have yet to claim, maybe I'll take him up on that this evening!), suffering through my snoring and endless tossing and turning and taking up most of the bed. (I have a funny story about that, BTW!)  And following me from kid sale to kid sale just to carry all the clothes that I have stocked up on for Hannah!  And most of all caring about my feelings and supporting me with uplifting words when things like this happen, whether large or small.

I have felt that the doctors that I have had throughout this pregnancy have been inspired.  My doctor in St. Louis put me on baby aspirin which they do for many pregnant patients to prevent blood clots, but she did this without prior testing, hoping that it would help decrease the chance of miscarriage.  Then, the doctor here was doing the blood screening to make sure there were no issues which would cause complications, and because of his thoroughness, we have been able to hopefully prevent any awful complications.  I have a family history of heart disease and such, but no personal prior medical history of any blood clotting issues.  When the doctor recommended baby aspirin, I thought it to be sort of random, it was also random that they did the blood clot screening here in Ohio... I really feel like Heavenly Father has definitely been intervening in our behalf, medically and otherwise.

And what would I do without my family and friends!  You have rejoiced and cried with us when we finally had a successful pregnancy.  We have received more support than we could have ever asked for during this pregnancy.  You have all given me hope through your well wishes and words of encouragement.  We have been spoiled through two baby showers already and another one coming up!  And most importantly you have given us so much support through your prayers and love!

So I guess, come to think of it...with all the blessings attached, why would I even want to be normal?  Normal is boring!

Never thought I would cry over Chocolate Cake...

A blogging friend of mine, recently wrote THIS POST at the blog We Are All Mothers.  It is an amazing allegory that beautifully and explains the feelings that one may experience in the journey of infertility and miscarriage.  And then, the feelings of finally receiving your "dessert".

(Christne: I have a hard time posting commnents on your blog for some reason, but I wanted to tell you that your words are soo beautiful!)

Whenever I hear the song of a bird...

When I was a little girl, my Mom used to sing songs to me as she rocked me to sleep...

This is one of my favorites...

"Whenever I hear the song of a bird
Or look at the blue, blue sky,
Whenever I feel the rain on my face
Or the wind as it rushes by,
Whenever I touch a velvet rose
Or walk by our lilac tree,
I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world
Heavenly Father created for me.

He gave me my eyes that I might see
The color of butterfly wings.
He gave me my ears that I might hear
The magical sound of things.
He gave me my life, my mind, my heart:
I thank him reverently.
For all his creations, of which I'm a part.
Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me.

I am listening to it right now from this soundtrack...

 (which is a beautifully peaceful soundtrack by the way)

Somehow I just happened to look outside the window at the same time as this song was playing, And in the quiet rain I saw 3 or 4 little birdies, flitting around and eating from the neighbor's bird seed...

It almost seems to perfect doesn't it?  It is...

 It's just a little miracle for my day, something to remind me that He is there... in everything.

My Heavenly Father loves me...he loves me so much that he is letting me be a part of one of his creations...

...a creation that, in 6-8 weeks, I will hold in my arms and sing to sleep.

Love this new website...

Finding HOPE

 "No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations."
The Infinite Power of Hope
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Fireside this Weekend

If I still lived in the Idaho Falls or surrounding area...I would NOT MISS THIS FIRESIDE!

This Sunday there will be a fireside in Idaho Falls (Oh, how I miss my Idaho...) mrs. r (the r house) will be speaking about finding hope through infertility and adoption.

If you live in the Idaho Falls or surrounding area and have been affected by infertility and/or adoption...you need to attend this fireside!!!


Taylor Mountain Stake Center

260 Castlerock Lane, Idaho Falls, ID 83404

(it's right behind Taylorview Jr High)

6pm

...and there will even be treats.

Angels

A few days ago, I went to my new doctor here in Ohio. The day before I made the appointment I had received my records from my previous OB in the mail. So, the night before I went in to see the new OB I decided to go through the paperwork to make sure everything was there and ready.

I started through the packet and was taken back a year ago to when we first started meeting with the doctor in Missouri. My first appointment was an ultrasound to check that all was well in my uterus and that there was no tissue left from my recent miscarriage. Suddenly, the feelings of that time last year raced back to me. I literally held my breath as I remembered the loss, the stress, the disappointment and feelings of depression. I even started feeling a little woozy.

I continued to scan the paperwork and was brought through somewhat of a clinical journey of our recovery from the miscarriage, and beginning the process of trying to conceive once again, onto progesterone supplements and ovulation tracking and Metformin.

Then, finally, I came upon the note of the call to the doctor about a positive pregnancy test...and I started sobbing. Why? When I looked at my journey on paper, printed lab notes with garble about hormone levels and scribbled over in doctor's handwriting, it all seemed to go by so quickly. Yet, I knew that the journey to conceive is not just a medical one. Mine definitely wasn't, and it did not go by quickly. The doctor didn't scribble about the days that I had to mentally push myself out of bed and take a shower. There were no lab tests to check my levels of heartache. No prescriptions to help with the pain of loss and longing.

As I sit here and type this I realize...My doctor appointment this week was on the 10th...I went through those papers on the night of September 9th, 2009...Exactly one year to the day from the loss of our third pregnancy. It may seem somewhat lame to you that all these dates coincide and that they are so important to me, but it is only because I am reminded of the importance of timing and remembering things like this...It seems like a way to help me remember the literal and spiritual blessings that came from our journey.

There was a time at the beginning of my pregnancy that I was feeling a LARGE amount of anxiety. This was due to stress at my job, stress with unsure changes with my husband's job, and of course trying to take it easy during a very busy time in our lives so that this pregnancy would not result in loss.

One night, Connel asked if I would like to have a blessing. There were some very significant things that were said and felt in that blessing, but one particular thing that I will always remember from that blessing is this...When the pioneers were crossing the plains, there were hard times when they were lifted and carried, through that which they thought they could not bear, by angels. Just as the pioneers were carried by angels, angels have been and are carrying me.

In Sunday School this past Sunday, we discussed the Handcart Pioneers, namely the Martin and Willie handcart companies. Toward the end of the lesson this quote was shared. I have heard this quote one or two time before and before the teacher arrived at the end of it, I was sobbing. Not only because of the conviction with which this testimony is shared. But, because of it's own significant tie to my blessing and how it can be related to all of our trials, and in our lives, particularly the trial of miscarriage and infertility.

A man who crossed the plains in the Martin handcart company lived in Utah for many years. One day he was in a group of people who began sharply criticizing the Church leaders for ever allowing the Saints to cross the plains with no more supplies or protection than a handcart company provided. The old man listened until he could stand no more; then he arose and said with great emotion:

“I was in that company and my wife was in it. … We suffered beyond anything you can imagine and many died of exposure and starvation, but did you ever hear a survivor of that company utter a word of criticism? … [We] came through with the absolute knowledge that God lives for we became acquainted with him in our extremities.

“I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up, for I cannot pull the load through it. … I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the angels of God were there.

“Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company.”

Our Heritage: A Brief History of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, 6: Faith in Every Footstep, Preparing to Leave Nauvoo

Lately, I have had a few experiences with good friends who are struggling with infertility and miscarriage. As I learn of their struggles, I again find myself remembering the grief and longing that comes through these struggles. I find myself in tears for my friends as they go through loss, medical procedures, pain (physical and emotional), grief, longing, embarrassment and many more of the feelings that inevitably come with these trials. I hope with all my heart that their pain with not be the same. However, I know that it will. They will feel all the same emotions that I did. And it sucks. The good thing is that I know something else. I know that when they are struggling, there will be someone there to lift them, to push their cart, if you will.

They did mine.

(In)Fertility Sisters

This past month I have been from one end of the country to another. It was tiring, but worth it.

First, I went to visit my sister in Massachusetts and then helped her with her 2 little girls on the flights from MA to Salt Lake City.

On the plane, we had a full row---complete with a Mother, a 2 year old, a 3 month old and a Mother-to be. My sister (who also spent a significant amount of time and money on fertility treatments) leaned over and said to me..."you know, looking down our row, you would never know that we both had fertility problems..." :)

We are warriors, you know that sis?



It was on our flight to SLC, where the flight attendant looked at my little niece as we boarded the plane and mentioned that there were so many beautiful children on this flight, and then said,
"but that's because we're headed to Salt Lake City."

Crazy breeding Mormons!
...and I'm finally one of them...Boo ya.