Going back?

I have to admit.  The demands of Motherhood are harder than I imagined.  Are they not to everyone?  Would I ever go back to the way things were before, when it was just Connel and I?  No diapers, no spit-up, no endless piles of laundry?... oh, I guess those piles were there before! Haha!

I ran across a blog post today who's sentiments were exactly what I have felt at times, but never had the words to explain it.  

After someone made a comment about her wishing things would go back to the way they were before...She said:

"Yeah, I'll admit that I've come to realize the demands of motherhood, the sacrifices, the exhaustion, and so much more... but, even after the longest night or the most exhausting day, I have NEVER once wanted to go back to what life was before bringing Ben (in my case HANNAH!) home.

Not even close.

I guess she didn't realize that I already know the sleepless nights... or realize how much worse they were than our sleepless nights now. They were empty and quiet and piercingly lonely. She must not know the pain of infertility and what a heavy burden it is to carry."

I would never go back.  We had a great time and the memories of the fun parts of our life before baby will always be with me, but I would never go back! 

I love this little girly-girl way too much!

did I just totally contradict myself??? (read yesterday's post)

Here

I love Rascal Flatts, they seem to have a song for everything.  

A couple of weeks ago I was on my way to Jo-Ann's.  My sweet baby was sleeping in her car seat and I was listening to the radio.  This song came on and I couldn't help but be reminded of the work it took to get her here...

---

There's a place I've been looking for

That took me in and out of buildings

Behind windows, walls and doors

And I thought I found it

Couple times, even settled down

And I'd hang around just long enough

To find my way back out

I know now the place that I was trying to

Reach

Was you, right here in front of me

And I wouldn't change a thing

I'd walk right back through the rain

Back to every broken heart

On the day that it was breakin'

And I'd relive all the years

And be thankful for the tears

I've cried with every stumbled step

That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing what I let my heart go through

To get me where it got me

In this moment here with you

And it passed me by

God knows how many times

I was so caught up in holding

What I never thought I'd find

I know now, there's a million roads

I had to take

To get me in your arms that way

In a love I never thought I'd get to get to

Here

And if that's the road

God made me take to be with you

And I'd relive all the years

And be thankful for all the tears

I've cried with every stumbled step

That led to you and got me here, right here

Oh, baby-Ooo

Oh, got me here

-Rascal Flatts

---

Can I truly say that I would relive all the tears and the years and "walk right back through the rain"?

Well, funny thing... I was reading through my blog and I found one post I wrote in which I stated:

 ---

"I used to think that there has to be a reason for everything.
I have asked God so many times...Why? Why? Why?

I have come to know that there is no point in asking the question, "WHY?"

Sometimes things just have to happen.

From what I have learned about the premortal existence... I must have signed up for this trial in heaven. What was I thinking? Your guess is as good as mine. I must have known the outcome. I wonder if I was hesitant or if I walked up to the front of the line and said, I want that one. Give me that trail right there. Maybe I knew what blessings would come of it?"

 ---

Now I DO know the outcome...now I DO know the blessings that come of the trial of infertility and miscarriage...

...and they ARE worth the heart-breaking journey... "every stumbled step" it took to get HERE:

was worth it.

So don't give up ladies...don't give up!  I love you!

Let's Have a Better VIEW!

I was interested to find that this past week "The View" had a special episode all about infertility.

We don't even have cable so I normally don't watch the show.  However, I received an email from RESOLVE about it and it interested me.  I was really glad they were covering infertility, and they did an OK job of covering the basics, but, um... are they always so inconsiderate towards people's feelings?  Seriously...I guess a bunch of women can't be expected not to interupt, but really.  Some of them (Sherri and Barbara) have gone through some facet of infertility themselves, and I believe were somewhat tuned in...and I know that it's all for television drama...but Gah!

In the end, I was glad that they invited some people like you and me to share their experiences.  I was glad they had this special to help create awareness about infertility and miscarriage but I couldn't help but notice a few things...

Like, for instance...when Whoopie and Barbara started lecturing Giuliana about gaining weight so that she could have a baby.  You know...that kind of "advice" that we all have come to despise? Just look at the hurt on her face and how she is trying to mask the pain!!  It's the "how can I get out of here/when is this going to be over/please just stop talking/I shouldn't have to answer to you" look.  Even if what they were saying may be good advice, they still have no right to lecture her about it!  And...

Barbara Walters comment:  "We are not talking about adoption we are taking about infertility."  What the heck?!?!?

but,

I LOVED the first couple they talked to and their comments about how it effected their marriage and the divorcee womans comments on how you consider ALL the options.

But now I'll stop ranting and raving...

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE EPISODE

1 Samuel 1:27

For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him:

Due

 At first I felt a little jipped that I didn't get the FULL pregnancy experience.  I wanted ALL 9 MONTHS.

Over the past 5 weeks I have wondered what it would be like if I was still pregnant.  What would I have been doing?  What would I have looked like?  Over the past 5 weeks, I have pondered what kinds of things we could have avoided if she would have waited to come...the NICU visit, possibly even the AWFUL acid reflux that she is having as it happens a lot in preemies...

I could say that Hannah came too late, after all we endured 3 miscarriages and waited 3 years for her to come into our lives.

I could say she came too early, because she was born at 35 weeks.

But, if there is one thing that I want to remember and that I want Hannah to remember it is this...

You came at the right time, not to early, not to late.

Heavenly Father sent you at just the right time, he has a specific plan in mind for you, he has all along.  He waited until it was the perfect timing to send you to Mommy's tummy and he chose the right time to have you come into the world.  My dear baby girl, you are the sunshine after the rain, the hope you have brought will touch and warm many lives...it already has.

Photos by Ashley Malena Photography

So Thankful...

for our little angel.

Early Arrival of the Long Awaited Day...

Well, I guess she was just as impatient to get here as we were to have her here!

Hannah Mae was born on November 4, 2009.  She was 5 weeks early, and is in the NICU for a little while, but we are so happy to have our sweet little girl.  She should be fine and out of the NICU within a few weeks, but for right now she is working on getting better at eating and breastfeeding.  She has some jaundice and is under the bili-lights, but has many small successes each day.  We love to cuddle and hold her and give her plenty of kisses!

Updates will come later and, but for right now, we want to shout the news from the rooftop!

Our little miracle is here!

She's everything we've dreamed of...