Whatifs

I have been feeling a little What-iffy lately... It's just that I have had so many worries pop into my mind lately and I start thinking that something bad will happen.

I love Shel Silverstein, he seems to have a poem for every weird thing out there...

WHATIF
Shel Silverstein

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
and pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow taller?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems well, and then
the nighttime Whatifs strike again!

Although I am a little worried at times that I might tear my pants or that I will grow green chest hair, This is really my nightly version:

Whatif I still have a miscarraige?
Whatif I have a miscarraige while all 10 or more people I know who are pregnant right now go on to have their babies and I loose mine and just end up being pitied?
Whatif I have incompetent cervix?
Whatif I have to go on bed rest and I miss my sister's wedding?
Whatif I go on vacation and something goes wrong with the pregnancy?
Whatif the babies heart stops beating?
Whatif I didn't eat well enough in the 1st trimester?
What if those really aren't "round ligament pains" (or whatever their called?) and there is something wrong?
Whatif when they take me off of progesterone, my uterus stops working right and we loose the baby?
Whatif all this time I wanted a child and then I have it and suck at being a mother?!?


...I really need to get a project going.

Let Him Work Miracles

The first Sunday in March we were in fast and testimony meeting at church. As the meeting progressed, there seemed to be a theme that continued through many testimonies.

Miracles.

I don't care what people may say... I believe in miracles. I have witnessed many miracles, large and small, seen and unseen, as I have watched family members and friends experience them. God does not leave us without experiences and examples which help witness to us that He is in our lives.

I was, however, starting to feel a little bit bitter. "What about me?" What about our miracle? That miracle where something out of my control---namely trying to conceive---suddenly goes exactly right and life is hunky dory and everyone sees that life is a miracle? In my case, Heavenly Father must know that when Satan jumps in with the "what about me?" doubts, He needs to intervene quickly...and He did, my mind and soul soon felt at peace as I realized that...the miracle that God was working had already taken place...was still taking place...Over the last 3 years, God had worked a miracle within my heart and soul.

The miracles that often go unnoticed, except by those who experience them (and often these are not even noticed until hindsight kicks in), are these miracles where God strengthens and molds us through trials and callings and life experiences. That it what I know had taken place within me. That day I shared with my branch that I know through our trails, God works miracles, but sometimes, they are not seen, sometimes he works them within us, within our hearts.

...

...

...

However,

what I didn't know...

...was that God was busy working another miracle...

...within me...

...

literally.


On April 14th, 2009, (coincidentally, my due date for our 3rd miscarriage)...

...I took a positive pregnancy test.


I am now 14 weeks pregnant.


Some of you will shout for joy because you know of the pain and struggle that it has been for us to come this far. But the reality I know is that
some of your tears will not be so happy...

To you whose tears are from the pains and longing for children, I feel very inadequate at the moment and can say nothing to try and ease that pain. I've felt that pain, and it hurts. It is real. The only person who can truly heal and comfort that pain is the Savior.

"In our own storms in life the Savior is our solace and our sanctuary. If we seek peace, we must come unto Him. He Himself spoke this eternal truth when He said, “My yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” When our souls are anchored in the safe harbor of the Savior, we can proclaim as did Paul: “We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed.” (Joseph B. Wirthlin, Ensign May 2000)

Just know that I love you, I know that many of you have prayed for us and I thank you all for the many thoughts and prayers in our behalf. We love you all so much!


"Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true."