What Heaven Sees in You

Everyone has adversity and struggles. It's hard to have hope. It's hard to climb the entire mountain when you can't see the summit. As you cling to the ledges, and slip on the rocks, on your way to the top, it's hard to remember that when you get there, it will all be worth it. In fact, It's hard to tell yourself that it will be worth it... Especially when you really don't know if it will be...

A few months ago I listened to a book on tape. (Yes, on tape...I know... ghetto!) "5 Scriptures That Will Get You Through Almost Anything" by John Bytheway and in it he said that God let Abraham go through what he did because "Abraham needed to learn something about Abraham." Abraham needed to know that he had it in himself, that he was strong enough to climb a mountain and do ANYTHING that God asked him to do.

At times I think we can feel a little bit like Abraham. Sacrificing our desires for children for other things that the Lord wants us to do at the present moment. Not that we can help it. It's just that we have to learn to give into his will and accept the "other callings" that he has for us at the time. We all have our own mountains to climb and our own sacrifices to make. We all have a little something to learn about ourselves.

Sitting in sacrament meeting a few weeks ago, I had a thought, "If we could only see what Heavenly Father sees, maybe we would be more willing to do his will."

"Hindsight is 20/20" right?

As I look back and think about the person I was 3 or more years ago...I realize that through experiences that I have had in this trail, my faith, my conviction, my testimony and the truthfulness of the gospel have all been strengthened. I have had the chance to build my own strong testimony of the Savior and his Atonement. I have come to know what it feels like to sacrifice. My husband and I have been able to build a very strong relationship. I have been able to strengthen other relationships. I understand what it really means to have an eternal family and know that all things are part of God's plan for us here on this earth. I cherish all of this knowledge with all of my heart. I really cannot say that I am grateful for this trail...What I am grateful for though, is the things that I have learned through it.

I believe that God works Miracles. However, most of the time, I forget about the Miracles that we don't see...the ones that happen within ourselves. These Miracles are ongoing.

There is a song that I know a lot of you know...

"What Heaven Sees in You" (or Three White Dresses)

It is such a beautiful song, I cry every time I hear it, it has such significance to me. I love that for the "3rd white dress" it doesn't just focus on the wedding day, but all the "promises" that we can make and that have been made to us. It reminds me that I can still go to that House of God and be reminded of those promises.

During the difficult times we go through, it's good to remember who we are and who is cheering us on.

We all have the strength to get to the top of the mountain, we just have to see it in ourselves.


Out of the Mouths of Babes

A couple of days ago, I was at work and one little 2 year old said to me,

"you have alot of owie's?"

me: "A lot of owie's?, what do you mean?"

Then she proceeded to point out some of the pimples on my face. "right dare...and right dare... and..."


This is not the first time this has happened.

A few weeks ago, one of the kids said,

"Ms. Laura, why do you have so many red dots on your face?"

I could have gone into detail, explaining that when you have PCOS, like me, your hormones are messed up. And even though you thought, that at 26 years old, your face would be free of that awful teenage plague of acne...you still wake every morning, to find one more brand new friend on your face. You try face creams, moisturizers, exfoliants, which, to your dismay just seem to give you more and more pimples!!!

but, instead just I said,

"They are just pimples, sweetheart"

The joys of PCOS.


Bible Stories

Does anyone else read the r house blog? I love it. She has some great links for people going through infertility and adoption. I am personally interested in the links and articles that focus on infertility, just because, well, that's where we are.

THIS is my favorite post that she has ever written. Many of you have mentioned to me in comments something about women from the bible, like sarah, hannah, elisabeth, rachel, etc., struggling with a "barren womb". I thought I would share the link to this post, because the things she reiterates from the speaker are better than anything I could ever say myself about the subject. It focuses on adoption at the end but the message is so very POWERFUL.

This morning I was thinking about this subject and I had a couple thoughts flow through my mind...

First, most of these women eventually received children. And...most of their children grew up to influence generations...

Sarah: Isaac
Hannah: Samuel
Rebekah: Jacob
Elisabeth: John the Baptist

Perhaps Heavenly Father needed these women to go through trials so that they would learn to trust in him...to be prepared with unshakable testimonies to teach and raise these great men with righteousness and a firm testimony.

Do you ever wonder if Heavenly Father is preparing all of us (fertile and infertile) to raise children that may someday perhaps influence generations?

Just a thought.


Why I want to be a Mother...

So I can rock-a-bye my babies.
So I can sing them lullabies and teach them finger-plays.
So I can have my kids sleep in the middle.
So I can dress up my daughters in cute little Easter clothes.
So my husband can carry our own kids on his shoulders.
So I can take them to the grocery store.
So I can see them smile.
So I can breast feed.
So I can teach my kids about Jesus.
So I can have family home evening with them, even if they don't pay attention.
So when they are hurt, I can kiss their owies better.
So I can take my kids to the park, the zoo, the fair, and the circus.
So I can listen to my own children playing in the next room.
So I can teach them how to respect others.
So I can share with them all of the greatest holiday traditions.
So they will watch me put on my makeup.
So I can finally use my degree for what I intended it for!
So I can play dress up with them.
So I can play baseball with them.
So my husband can give our kids wheel-barrow rides.
So I can have the title: Stay-At-Home Mom.
So I can love them to pieces!
So I can get dandelion bouquets.
So I can wear a baby-sling.
So I can read them The Berenstain Bears.
So I can get a sacrament meeting flower on Mother's Day...and not feel pitied.
So Disney movies will reign the DVD player.
So I can make an awesome birthday cake for their birthday.
So they can play with their cousins, and realize the importance of family relationships.
So I can say things like, "Because I said so." and "Clean behind your ears."
So there will be fruit snacks, graham crackers, and juice cups all over my van.
So I can have my front porch covered in sidewalk chalk.
So we can lie in the grass in the summer air and look for cloud shapes.
So I can be the "guest of honor" at a baby shower.
So I can someday send my kids to kindergarten...then off to college.
So I can become a Mother-in-law.
So I can become a grandmother.
So I can become a great-grandmother.
So I can make cookies and have my kids decorate them.
etc, etc, etc...

Today was supposed to be my due date.
April 14th, 2009.

I know that I will have the chance to Mother that child someday.



Life is never what you expect.

"I've wanted to be a mother ever since I was 3 and played house with my dolls."
I've seen that written on quite a few blogs I've been reading lately.

I'll tell you, that I don't really remember what I wanted to be when I was 3. When I played house, I was never the Mom. I always wanted to be the teenager! The 16 year old teenager with a boyfriend named J.T.T.

I do remember imagining what my life would be like when I was about 7 or 8. I wanted to be a Rock Star! On stage, bright lights, Oh yeah! The tiny little shy girl from Panorama was going to have the world as a stage! I would sing for hours on the end of my bed or while jumping on the trampoline with a hairbrush in my hand. I was sure that I was the next Mariah Carey!

Well, as I grew up and ended up in the mediocre mixed choir my senior year of high school while all my friends were in the "elite" Bonnevaires tour choir, I started thinking harder about what I really wanted to do with my life.

My best friend and I would drive around in her truck for hours and talk about the future. "So, what do you want to do when you are done with high school?"

I didn't really know. "Oh, I guess go to college or something, then get married, then I just want to be a stay-at-home Mom or something."

When I said it, it became real. I realized that was what I truly wanted. The wish that I had for myself.

When I went to college, I chose a major that would blend perfectly into motherhood. Early Childhood/Special Education. I actually never expected to use it for work--just motherhood. I got married my 2nd year of college and 9 months before we graduated, we stopped using birth control. It was going to work out perfect! We would both graduate together in December, my husband would get a great job right out of college. I would waddle down the graduation aisle with my fully pregnant belly, then begin my dream as a stay-at-home mom, now fully equipped with all of the modern knowledge and skills needed to educate and raise my children successfully!

...9 months later, no job, a (somewhat) flat tummy, and 2 diplomas in hand, we found ourselves still overlooking Brigham Young University-Idaho, and we had no plans at all.

We've had many experiences, where things didn't work out how we'd planned. --I'm sure that we all have.

Infertility is the most dominant that I've experienced.

I am a planner. When something is planned and things don't work out according to that plan, I kind of go crazy. I get grumpy or stressed or depressed, or maybe even all three. It's really hard for me to have a good attitude when it comes to unfulfilled plans.

What I have to remember is the ultimate plan. The Plan of Happiness. We can still be happy through our trials. Can't we? Elder Richard G. Scott said this in the LDS General Conference last week and it really stuck out to me:

"When we live righteously and have received the ordinances of the temple, everything else is in the hands of the Lord. We can do the best we can, but the final outcome is up to Him. We should never complain, when we are living worthily, about what happens in our lives."

In fact, it was kind of a wake up call for me. Hard things happen, but I can still be a happy person. Life changes, but when I realize that my life is in the hands of the Lord, I know I can trust in Him. Ultimately, I will probably become better for it.


TEAM TESSA: Sister Support

Two years ago, my older sister's first child (conceived through IVF), Tessa, was born prematurely. She weighed 2 lbs 3 oz at birth, but is now a healthy and happy little two year old!

One of the many organizations that helped support Tessa was the March of Dimes. The March of Dimes organization helps with research on premature birth and preventing birth defects and gives hospital support to families of premature babies.

Last year, my older sister participated in the March of Dimes-March for Babies in her area, as they were one of the many people that supported their family at Tessa's birth. The research they have supported over the years helped make it possible for Tessa to survive when she was born 13 weeks early. They also provided a representative to give comfort and support to their family while Tessa was in the hospital.

(Tessa on the day of last year's March for Babies)

This year, my sister's family is expecting their second baby and on bed rest. Therefore, it is not possible for her to walk in the March for Babies in her area.

That is why I am walking. To provide some sisterly support, for my sister and Tessa, and for Tessa's new little sister (also conceived through IVF) who we, most likely, will be expecting to come earlier than due as well...

I will be walking at the following event (in 2 weeks!):

April 25, 2009
The Muny-St. Louis Forest Park
Lower Muny Parking Lot
St. Louis, MO 63112
9:oo AM

To help support Team Tessa: Sister Support you can click here and

Or if you don't live near the event or cannot participate in the walk, you can still support our team by

Or click the link on my sidebar to take you to my March for Babies page.