Why I want to be a Mother...

So I can rock-a-bye my babies.
So I can sing them lullabies and teach them finger-plays.
So I can have my kids sleep in the middle.
So I can dress up my daughters in cute little Easter clothes.
So my husband can carry our own kids on his shoulders.
So I can take them to the grocery store.
So I can see them smile.
So I can breast feed.
So I can teach my kids about Jesus.
So I can have family home evening with them, even if they don't pay attention.
So when they are hurt, I can kiss their owies better.
So I can take my kids to the park, the zoo, the fair, and the circus.
So I can listen to my own children playing in the next room.
So I can teach them how to respect others.
So I can share with them all of the greatest holiday traditions.
So they will watch me put on my makeup.
So I can finally use my degree for what I intended it for!
So I can play dress up with them.
So I can play baseball with them.
So my husband can give our kids wheel-barrow rides.
So I can have the title: Stay-At-Home Mom.
So I can love them to pieces!
So I can get dandelion bouquets.
So I can wear a baby-sling.
So I can read them The Berenstain Bears.
So I can get a sacrament meeting flower on Mother's Day...and not feel pitied.
So Disney movies will reign the DVD player.
So I can make an awesome birthday cake for their birthday.
So they can play with their cousins, and realize the importance of family relationships.
So I can say things like, "Because I said so." and "Clean behind your ears."
So there will be fruit snacks, graham crackers, and juice cups all over my van.
So I can have my front porch covered in sidewalk chalk.
So we can lie in the grass in the summer air and look for cloud shapes.
So I can be the "guest of honor" at a baby shower.
So I can someday send my kids to kindergarten...then off to college.
So I can become a Mother-in-law.
So I can become a grandmother.
So I can become a great-grandmother.
So I can make cookies and have my kids decorate them.
etc, etc, etc...

Today was supposed to be my due date.
April 14th, 2009.

I know that I will have the chance to Mother that child someday.


MindySue said...

boy you sure do know how to make a girl cry.

Even after being through this with Emily, I still don't know what to say..I'm cursed with the ability to say the wrong thing...all the time.

You will get to watch your child do all those things...and it will be amazing. It will happen.

Natalie said...

Thank you for reminding me why I battled so long and so hard for my precious son. My heart aches for you as I remember all those feelings ... and that nothing I say will really ease any of it. Thank you for sharing ...

Riddlez said...

So far we have...sounds exactly like my life. PCOS, 3 miscarriages, and infertility. Once, I was pregnant at the exact same time my SIL was. We were due the same month. I miscarried; she didn't. I remember trying to be positive and helpful and all of that good stuff, but it stung - a lot. Of course, no one remembered our loss in the face of her celebration of life.

During our efforts to get pregnant, it was the focal point of our whole marriage. I was consumed with the losses, the vacancies I felt in my home and womb and the unanswered why? Those were some of the darkest days of my life.

I now have 2 girls. Both were total miracles. Both were in the NICU and both have had long, hard battles with reflux, dysphagia, failure to thrive, etc. I remember after having our first that I thought maybe we had finally outrun the miscarriages. Not so. We had another miscarriage. It lasted 4 months and ended in an ugly D&C. My 2 year old kept asking "Momma, you gotta go to bed now? You sick?"

So often we only hear of the success stories. I remember thinking everyone had babies and did it with ease. Then, I became the poster child for loss and frustration in my family. Women came out of the woodwork telling me about their losses. One woman I know had a miscarriage between each of her children (she has 5 kids now). It didn't make my wounds hurt any less, but I knew there were others out there who knew my pain.

Even when you have kids, to lose a pregnancy is still one of the most devastating events that can take place. People would say, "At least you can get pregnant." Right, cause getting sick, bloated, hoping and praying only to lose it is really a blessing.

Anyhow, the one thing I learned about pregnancy, for my life, is that it's all about timing. We have exactly who we are supposed to have and we got them exactly when we were supposed to (even though I felt we had been spirutally prompted to start trying years before we conceived).

My thoughts are with you. It's a hard road. I hope you find some moments of peace and take this time to keep living a full life. You are a beacon to those who are on the same road.

Sweet Em said...

I've been meaning to put a card in the mail for you, knowing this day was coming. I didn't, I'm sorry. I admire you for telling the world and not suffering in silence. I know this isn't about me, but I mourn for the loss of a little neice/nephew.

I. Love. You.

Mama Nut said...

I just found your blog through Mormon Mommy Blogs -- I am so glad I did. I my heart aches for you and my prayers go out to you and your husband -- I cried through your whole blog! I could feel your pain, frustration, and your love for children and that deep righteous desire in your heart. You seem like a wonderful, wonderful woman. I will be checking back often for updates. Until then, my deepest prayers and thoughts are with you.

Kelly said...

Wow, what a great post. I feel your pain. I have always taken great comfort in the scriptures. The greatest women in the Bible were infertile: Sarah, Rachel, Hannah, etc. There really are quite a few elect women who struggled with this very thing. Because it is the thing you greatly desire, when you are blessed with children (and you will be!) you will cherish more than ever.

When my boys were born, I soaked up every moment I have had with them.

Don't give up hope. This too shall pass. Keep on keeping on.

May heaven bless you.

Kendra said...

Can I just tell you that I am so grateful to have stumbled across your blog?

Thank you for sharing your journey and your emotions so deeply and honestly. Thank you for being open and public about the struggles of infertility.

The pain and anguish and all-consuming nature of infertility - it's simply something that people who haven't experienced it cannot understand. I remember the pain of miscarriage. I remember the sorrow of a "should have been" due date. I'm sorry for your loss. It is incredibly hard. I don't know you - and yet my heart aches for you.

My husband and I struggled with infertility for 2 years before we were blessed with our miracle baby boy. Now we are beginning the journey of infertility again - in the hope of adding to our little family. I am not looking forward to reliving all of these hopes, the roller coaster, the emotions, the pain... the journey to children that can seem so effortlesss and easy to some - and yet feels more difficult that scaling Mount Everest for others.

I have recently started an infertility support group at BYU. I will pass on this blog to my friends there (who are all struggling with primary infertility) in the hope that they can gain some comfort and help - and remember that they are VERY much not alone in this difficult struggle. Good luck!!!!!!!! And thank you again for sharing.

The Beck's said...

Isn't it wonderful to know that you will get raise up and be with your miscarried babies some day??? What a beautiful plan! I love you and we are continually praying and fasting for you guys!! You are so wonderful.

gina said...

I am so worried I am going to say the wrong thing, but I was so touched I couldn't leave without letting you know. I was so thankful for my blessings as I read this post, and my heart hurt for you. I found you through Mormom Mommy Blogs. I will be praying for you.