After all, we had planned it all out, I was going to stay at home until the baby was born and then I would be a SAHM---my dream job! We were going to make the extra room into a nursery, I had bought Maternity clothing already and it was haunting my closet and I day and night. I was constanty having to go to the doctor and repeat over and over "that I had miscarried" and that "when I miscarried..." and so on...it WAS really depressing.
I know that you are suppoed to share your feelings, not hide them...So I poured out my heart to my husband through gasping sobs. I poured out all the feelings to trusted friends and church leaders. It is really amazing how Heavenly Father puts you where you need to be right when you need to be there. He puts people in your life right when they need to be there. He leads you to the places that are going to benefit and help you reach where you need to be. One person in particular just happened to know first hand, and almost to the tee, how hard our experience has been. It was so comforting to have the reassurance that God cares about us enough to send us people who will touch our hearts and souls. He sends us angels. And even though I know that there are others out there who are wanting and waiting just like us, it is good to know that we are not the only ones.
After a few weeks, I was asked to go to a Relief Society Broadcast for the Church. I was actually really looking forward to it. I was hoping that it would bring me some sort of peace and comfort. I prayed to Heavenly Father to ask him to have the speakers say something that would help me to be happier, to stop feeling sorry for myself.
The first three speakers were the R.S. presidency. There talks were wonderful as always, but I still wanted to know that Heavenly Father would give me something that was JUST for me. Then Elder Uchtdorf stood up and started speaking. He talked about how we can gain the happiness that Heavenly Father enjoys. He talked about using our creativity and he talked about being compassionate. There were a few things that really stood out to me, and these were the moments that I was waiting for...These were the moments that I KNEW that Heavenly Father KNEW me and he LOVED me and CARED so much about me to give me that feeling of peace and knowledge of what to do with my life.
Elder Uchtdorf said,
"Today I would like to speak to those who have ever felt inadequate, discouraged, or weary—in short, I would like to speak to all of us.
I also pray that the Holy Ghost will amplify my words and bestow upon them additional meaning, insight, and inspiration.
We know that sometimes it can be difficult to keep our heads above water. In fact, in our world of change, challenges, and checklists, sometimes it can seem nearly impossible to avoid feeling overwhelmed by emotions of suffering and sorrow.
I am not suggesting that we can simply flip a switch and stop the negative feelings that distress us. This isn’t a pep talk or an attempt to encourage those sinking in quicksand to imagine instead they are relaxing on a beach. I recognize that in all of our lives there are real concerns. I know there are hearts here today that harbor deep sorrows. Others wrestle with fears that trouble the soul. For some, loneliness is their secret trial.
These things are not insignificant.
However, I would like to speak about two principles that may help you find a path to peace, hope, and joy—even during times of trial and distress. I want to speak about God’s happiness and how each one of us can taste of it in spite of the burdens that beset us."
"...The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before.
Everyone can create. You don’t need money, position, or influence in order to create something of substance or beauty.Creation brings deep satisfaction and fulfillment. We develop ourselves and others when we take unorganized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty—...
...Think about it—your spirit body is a masterpiece, created with a beauty, function, and capacity beyond imagination.
But to what end were we created? We were created with the express purpose and potential of experiencing a fulness of joy.4 Our birthright—and the purpose of our great voyage on this earth—is to seek and experience eternal happiness. One of the ways we find this is by creating things.
If you are a mother, you participate with God in His work of creation—not only by providing physical bodies for your children but also by teaching and nurturing them. If you are not a mother now, the creative talents you develop will prepare you for that day, in this life or the next.
You may think you don’t have talents, but that is a false assumption, for we all have talents and gifts, every one of us.5 The bounds of creativity extend far beyond the limits of a canvas or a sheet of paper and do not require a brush, a pen, or the keys of a piano. Creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before—colorful gardens, harmonious homes, family memories, flowing laughter.
What you create doesn’t have to be perfect. So what if the eggs are greasy or the toast is burned? Don’t let fear of failure discourage you. Don’t let the voice of critics paralyze you—whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside.
If you still feel incapable of creating, start small. Try to see how many smiles you can create, write a letter of appreciation, learn a new skill, identify a space and beautify it."
"President Gordon B. Hinckley believed in the healing power of service. After the death of his wife, he provided a great example to the Church in the way he immersed himself in work and in serving others. It is told that President Hinckley remarked to one woman who had recently lost her husband, “Work will cure your grief. Serve others.”
These are profound words. As we lose ourselves in the service of others, we discover our own lives and our own happiness.President Lorenzo Snow expressed a similar thought: “When you find yourselves a little gloomy, look around you and find somebody that is in a worse plight than yourself; go to him and find out what the trouble is, then try to remove it with the wisdom which the Lord bestows upon you; and the first thing you know, your gloom is gone, you feel light, the Spirit of the Lord is upon you, and everything seems illuminated.”
Earlier that month, I had been having many feelings of inadequacy, of wondering what in the world I was supposed to do with my life right now, if I am not supposed to have children yet? All the feelings of inadequacy were swept away with a great feeling of importance, a knowledge of my "divine nature" is what now comes to mind.
I believe that women are born with a deep instinct to nurture and to love. That nurturing feeling is DIVINE, and it is NATURAL. That natural instinct gives way to creative abilities and compassion, and so with those two abilites, I can prepare for the children that will come into my life.
Soon-in the eternal scheme of things...