What IF?

My Stick Family from WiddlyTinks.com

Infertility.  It never leaves.  It is always there in the back of your mind, it will always be a part of life.  There are many questions that infertility can place in your mind.  The What IF's.  Here's mine, my What IF...the one that weighs on my mind when I think of the future and more babies and expanding our family...

What IF I have to go through it all again??? 

Ultimately, I know it will all be okay, but thinking about going through the pain and longing again just makes me sick to my stomach.  It makes my arms feel empty... I can't think about it, I shouldn't.  I have a 6 month old baby, and many of you are probably thinking...there is no need to worry right now, think about it later, it's too soon to be worrying about those things. 

Well... today my hubby asked when we were going to start trying again for another baby.

Um...okay...HELL-O!  What IF I get pregnant and miscarry? What IF I can't get pregnant again? What IF I never get to feel a child in my womb again? What IF I have to go through the pain again and it effects the way I care for Hannah? What IF we have to go through it again and this time my husband and I get pulled apart instead of clinging together? 

Those are the thoughts that flashed through my mind.  Not, "oh maybe we'll have a boy this time", or "it would be so fun for Hannah to be a big sister". 

Then he said, " If started now, it would still be 9 months until we had another baby."  Um...ok...HELL-O!  I have a feeling it would take a LOT LONGER than 9 MONTHS!  Of course he meant well, and funny thing is though, If I wanted to start trying again so soon, all logic and reason (and I'm pretty sure even the spirit)  says that it would be crazy to try for another baby yet. 

The point is...my mind just heads towards "infertile thoughts"  whenever the subject of family building comes up. 


I've decided to answer my question with one simple answer...

IF I have to go through it all again, IF I didn't learn something that I needed to the 1st, 2nd and 3rd time...I'll just have to do what I did before...

I'm going to have to take it one step at a time.  One day at a time.  And HOPE.  I can't think about all the bad things that could happen.  I have to remember these experiences and remember that something good came from going through this trail.  And something good can come from the next.  Trails are there for our good... right?  RIGHT?!?!

P.S. We are NOT trying again, yet.  So, don't get all excited.