What IF?

My Stick Family from WiddlyTinks.com

Infertility.  It never leaves.  It is always there in the back of your mind, it will always be a part of life.  There are many questions that infertility can place in your mind.  The What IF's.  Here's mine, my What IF...the one that weighs on my mind when I think of the future and more babies and expanding our family...

What IF I have to go through it all again??? 

Ultimately, I know it will all be okay, but thinking about going through the pain and longing again just makes me sick to my stomach.  It makes my arms feel empty... I can't think about it, I shouldn't.  I have a 6 month old baby, and many of you are probably thinking...there is no need to worry right now, think about it later, it's too soon to be worrying about those things. 

Well... today my hubby asked when we were going to start trying again for another baby.

Um...okay...HELL-O!  What IF I get pregnant and miscarry? What IF I can't get pregnant again? What IF I never get to feel a child in my womb again? What IF I have to go through the pain again and it effects the way I care for Hannah? What IF we have to go through it again and this time my husband and I get pulled apart instead of clinging together? 

Those are the thoughts that flashed through my mind.  Not, "oh maybe we'll have a boy this time", or "it would be so fun for Hannah to be a big sister". 

Then he said, " If started now, it would still be 9 months until we had another baby."  Um...ok...HELL-O!  I have a feeling it would take a LOT LONGER than 9 MONTHS!  Of course he meant well, and funny thing is though, If I wanted to start trying again so soon, all logic and reason (and I'm pretty sure even the spirit)  says that it would be crazy to try for another baby yet. 

The point is...my mind just heads towards "infertile thoughts"  whenever the subject of family building comes up. 


I've decided to answer my question with one simple answer...

IF I have to go through it all again, IF I didn't learn something that I needed to the 1st, 2nd and 3rd time...I'll just have to do what I did before...

I'm going to have to take it one step at a time.  One day at a time.  And HOPE.  I can't think about all the bad things that could happen.  I have to remember these experiences and remember that something good came from going through this trail.  And something good can come from the next.  Trails are there for our good... right?  RIGHT?!?!

P.S. We are NOT trying again, yet.  So, don't get all excited.


Trapper and Suzy said...

I don't fully understand, but I know the thought must be scary.

Brianna Tuckett said...

I understand Luara. That thought plaugues Rusty and I all the time. He is so worried to try again because he doesn't want to have to see me go through the pain of another miscarriage. I have those same fears and worries. Infertility is a hard road, full of up's and down's. It is one that no matter how long we travel on it it will FOREVER affect our lives, thoughts, and feelings. You can't help, but be worried, but I think you have the right attitude in just trying to HOPE and taking one day at a time. That's all we can do is HOPE and trust that the Lord will do right by us, now matter what that may be. :)

Janelle said...

It was over a year before I was finally pregnant with my first baby and then . . .7 years before two miscarriages and finally after 8 years I have had a second beautiful baby. But yes, I already have thoughts of trying again. The pain never leaves, but the joy of motherhood in whtever form we get to have it, is all worth it. To see what I have learned form two episodes of infertility: http://simplesupermom.blogspot.com/search/label/Infertility

Heth said...


You don't know me but I was sent your blog address by Paula. She and I are on a Christmas mailing list together.

We share similar journeys. I was diagnosed close to 3 years ago with PCOS. We had a miscarriage last October that was absolutely the worse expierence ever- mostly due to the hospitals lack of care and not believing anything was wrong (Though I was 9 weeks pregnant- and could not stop bleeding, to the point of losing consciousness and almost needing a transfusion.) and were excited to find out this May that we were expecting again. Things went smoother this time, until 10 weeks, when I started spotting again, and after a night at the hospital, lost our baby.

We are only a couple of weeks past our last miscarriage, so we don't have the happy ending to our story yet. And we don't know when we will get that happy ending, or how much more heartbreak we will go thru before that either. But we know God will take care of us and is always there, and its so encouraging to read stories like yours.

Congratulations on your wonderful blessing. She is absolutely adorable. And thank you for sharing your story.

DJ said...

I hope you don't have to experience secondary infertility after already enduring the pain of primary infertility. I am so glad you have your daughter. In some ways secondary infertility can be amplified because now you feel the pain not just for you and your husband too but for your child who is sibling-less, as well. Although having a child at all is an incredible blessing....when your dream family is the one pictured in this post....it's hard to let go of that. I really sincerely hope that you get a reprieve from the pain of infertility and that you consistently are blessed with the children you want when you want them until you've reached your ideal, your dream. That would be perfect! Good Luck when you do start trying!
PS I love your blog!