Old Wives Tale

Okay, so as a disclaimer, I had some fun last night and I wanted to say at first that this was all in fun and I don't want to girls that did this with me to feel bad because I love them and that I am fine and not offended or feel wronged to the least little bit.  But man, I must need therapy...

I had fun with some girls last night and we took a pencil pregnancy test.  No, I am not expecting, but we were trying to predict our "pregnancy future".  The deal is that you stick a threaded needle into the eraser of a sharpened pencil and you let it hang over your wrist.  It is supposed to tell you what children and about how many you are going to have.  It swings over your wrist in a series of directions.  And it will swing several times before shifting onto the next direction (important for those of us who have had several miscarriages and it swings and swings and swings and we wonder WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!)   If it swings left to right ( __ ) it's a girl, if it swings up and down ( | ) it's a boy, if it swings diagonal (/ or  \) it's twins...then it will tell you what gender.  If it swings in a circle (O) it's a miscarriage (oh brother.)  Mine went like this...O, O , O , __ , O , | , /, __ , then stopped.  Okay...so the beginning was fairly accurate!  Three miscarriages... then a girl!  But, man oh man.  Let's just say I wasn't excited the least little bit when I saw my worst fear before my eyes with that next circle!

In fact, later on, after the fun was over, I noticed that I was biting my nails...something that I have not done for about 6 months!  Biting my nails is a nervous/anxious habit I have.  Connel noticed to, on the way home and asked "Are you having anxiety or something because... you are biting your nails!"  Then he said...it was probably that "pregnancy test thing".  And I had to agree, I was feeling a little anxious.  I really don't know how I'll handle another miscarriage.  I was badly effected with the ones before Hannah and I just don't want to deal with it.  So, in short...let's just hope it's a little wives tale.

But on the brighter side of things...if it's true, I'll still be having 3 more kids (a boy and twin girls!) and that will make all the difference! Right?  I don't know if I want it to be wrong or right.  There were several believable testimonials that it was right.

Anybody want to prove the pencil preg test wrong for me?



I posted this on my family blog today and I decided to post it here as well...

I know I have a little birthday to post about, and I know I promised some pictures of Hannah at 1 year...but...I feel I need to post about something very important and so I am going to do it now.  

When Connel and I were having a hard time becoming pregnant, we thought of all the options.  We thought of not doing anything and just "letting" things happen.  We thought of getting infertility treatments...

...and we thought of adoption.

We ultimately wanted to try and become pregnant ourselves...and through prayers, little miracles, and some great/not-so-great medications and hormones...we did.  But, as I researched and read about adoption and the miracle that it is, I gained a testimony that it is truly an act of love and unselfishness, of and for all parties involved.

Today, this post today deeply touched my soul and I felt the strong need to share it, maybe someone out there needed this today.

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the Birds and the Bees

Ashley shared this on her blog and I watched these videos over and over. 

Click {HERE} to see more.  The. best. EVER!


Just Realized...

November 4th 2008...the first post on this blog.
November 4th 2009...the day Hannah was born.


A Blessing

This is an experience that Connel and I had when we were living in Idaho in 2007.  

We had both graduated a few months ago and we were living in Rexburg while Connel was looking for a full time job.  He was working construction, (anyone who's ever worked construction knows that it's never "dependable" as far as hours go.) so he was home a lot of the time.  I was working at an apartment complex as a manager.  Being a manager at BYU-Idaho is NOT a fun job, at least not to me.  I can say that it's sort of like infertility...it sucks while your going through it...after it's over you realize how much you've learned...but you still never want to go through it again! 
Anyway, So, my hubby and I's roles were turned around.  He was the stay-at-home-husband and I was bringing home the bacon.  Let's just say both of us really enjoy the typical roles that a husband and wife live and neither of us were doing anything in our "preferred" roles.  This was very hard on me because I had recently had a miscarriage and I was being put under a lot of pressure at work.  My attitude at this point in time was less then pleasant to say the least and I was pretty much crying myself to sleep every night.  Okay so maybe I was throwing things across the room too, but hey...some of you understand right?

I just didn't feel like I was fulfilling the role that I was sent here to fulfill.  I wanted to be the one staying at home, caring for children, cleaning the house...okay maybe not that last one!  But, I wanted to feel nurturing and domestic and I was not feeling that way at all!  I wanted to know, why Heavenly Father would be keeping me from doing what I KNOW was what I was supposed to do...

...fulfill my role as a Mother.

My natural instincts were good.  The feelings that I was having about wanting to be a mother were okay to have.  But my feelings of despair and selfishness and unfairness were not okay.   But, if it wasn't going to fulfill that role yet, I needed something to help me get through it.

I awoke in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep for several hours.  Eventually and inevitably, I ended up crying in the bed next to my sleeping husband, only this time he woke up.  He asked me what was wrong and I told him all the feelings of impatience and longing and stress about work that I was feeling and we decided that it might be good for me to have a blessing.  He told me that we would go ahead and do it right now.

As I sat with my husbands hands upon my head in the middle of our dark living room, I felt the spirit overcome me.  As my husband voice started quivering, I knew that I was overcome as well.  It was a spirit of peace, a spirit of comfort, two loving arms opened wide and then wrapped around both of us.  I don't remember anything the blessing said.

All I remember was the feeling that we had together with our Father in Heaven.  One of our first experiences of that kind apart from the feeling in the sealing room on our wedding day.  I also remember that I felt like everything was going to be okay.  That I was strong enough to get through whatever it was that was making me hurt inside.  I felt God's love.

Afterwards, we knelt down to pray together and thank Heavenly Father for this experience.  Throughout the prayer I remember feeling the same feelings of love and power that I had felt a few minutes earlier.  I was so grateful, and still am, for that outpouring of the spirit!  What a great and merciful Heavenly Father we have!

I had sort of forgotten that experience.  Then I got asked to share something in Sunday School that reminded me of God's power and love.  To go along with the part of the lesson about how Israel set up a memorial of 12 stones after crossing the parted Jordan River to remind future generations about God's love.

Now I realize that my experience with infertility is always going to be a reminder to me of God's power and love.  Whenever I was going through a rough patch with infertility, He would somehow through His amazing power show me that I was loved.  Without his power and love I could not have gotten through it.  Maybe I'd still have gotten pregnant, maybe I'd still have my sweet baby girl, but I don't think I would still be the same person I am without Him and his comfort at the times that I needed it most.  I most definitely would not have the same feelings about Motherhood that I do now.  I can't take for granted things that took me forever to get.  I look at my baby everyday and realize how blessed I am to have her in my life.  And the love that He has for us is ten times the love that we feel for our own children?!?

Now, that's powerful.

Wow.  This is all written a lot better than what I shared in Sunday School, there it was all jumbled and blubbered out through tears.  But, it is so interesting how Heavenly Father helped me to remember this point in time and the feelings that came with it.  And how closely it coincided with the things in the lesson.  I decided that I needed to write it down and get it "set in stone".  Maybe it can be a reminder to my future generations that no matter what, Heavenly Father is watching over them and loves them.


A Prayer

(my version of THIS poem) 

Thank you for the dishes overflowing in the sink...
and the colorful plastic spoons therein that recently fed pureed carrots.
Thank you for this mountain of dirty laundry...
and the spit-up covered onesies that can be found piled on top.
Thank you for the unmade bed...
and the little body that cuddled close to my chest on it early this morning.
Thank you for this bathroom that needs a major scrubbing bubbles treatment...
and the wonderful smell of the pink "no tears" shampoo sitting on the ledge of the tub.
Thank you for this cluttered living room carpet...
and that the clutter consists of teething rings, rattles and board books.
Thank you for my rushed trips to the grocery store...
and the crying baby in the car seat that sits in the shopping cart.
Thank you for the grass that needs mowing...
and for the tiny little fingers that discovered it's lush green-ness today.
Thank you for that sewing table cluttered with yet-to-complete crafts and projects...
and the crib with pink sheets that sits in the same room. 
Thank you for the darkening bags under my eyes...
and the little cries that keep me up at night.
Thank you for the "extra padding" around my middle...
and for letting my have the chance to feel a baby move inside me.

Thank you for letting me tickle soft skin.  Thank you for letting my change a baby's diaper.  Thank your for letting me kiss chubby little cheeks.  Thank you for letting me hear tiny giggles each day.   I will try to be more grateful for the little joys that she brings to my life...for the things that I DON'T get to do because you have given me a gift.

The perfect beautiful gift of being a Mother.


What IF?

My Stick Family from WiddlyTinks.com

Infertility.  It never leaves.  It is always there in the back of your mind, it will always be a part of life.  There are many questions that infertility can place in your mind.  The What IF's.  Here's mine, my What IF...the one that weighs on my mind when I think of the future and more babies and expanding our family...

What IF I have to go through it all again??? 

Ultimately, I know it will all be okay, but thinking about going through the pain and longing again just makes me sick to my stomach.  It makes my arms feel empty... I can't think about it, I shouldn't.  I have a 6 month old baby, and many of you are probably thinking...there is no need to worry right now, think about it later, it's too soon to be worrying about those things. 

Well... today my hubby asked when we were going to start trying again for another baby.

Um...okay...HELL-O!  What IF I get pregnant and miscarry? What IF I can't get pregnant again? What IF I never get to feel a child in my womb again? What IF I have to go through the pain again and it effects the way I care for Hannah? What IF we have to go through it again and this time my husband and I get pulled apart instead of clinging together? 

Those are the thoughts that flashed through my mind.  Not, "oh maybe we'll have a boy this time", or "it would be so fun for Hannah to be a big sister". 

Then he said, " If started now, it would still be 9 months until we had another baby."  Um...ok...HELL-O!  I have a feeling it would take a LOT LONGER than 9 MONTHS!  Of course he meant well, and funny thing is though, If I wanted to start trying again so soon, all logic and reason (and I'm pretty sure even the spirit)  says that it would be crazy to try for another baby yet. 

The point is...my mind just heads towards "infertile thoughts"  whenever the subject of family building comes up. 


I've decided to answer my question with one simple answer...

IF I have to go through it all again, IF I didn't learn something that I needed to the 1st, 2nd and 3rd time...I'll just have to do what I did before...

I'm going to have to take it one step at a time.  One day at a time.  And HOPE.  I can't think about all the bad things that could happen.  I have to remember these experiences and remember that something good came from going through this trail.  And something good can come from the next.  Trails are there for our good... right?  RIGHT?!?!

P.S. We are NOT trying again, yet.  So, don't get all excited.


Going back?

I have to admit.  The demands of Motherhood are harder than I imagined.  Are they not to everyone?  Would I ever go back to the way things were before, when it was just Connel and I?  No diapers, no spit-up, no endless piles of laundry?... oh, I guess those piles were there before! Haha!

I ran across a blog post today who's sentiments were exactly what I have felt at times, but never had the words to explain it.  

After someone made a comment about her wishing things would go back to the way they were before...She said:

"Yeah, I'll admit that I've come to realize the demands of motherhood, the sacrifices, the exhaustion, and so much more... but, even after the longest night or the most exhausting day, I have NEVER once wanted to go back to what life was before bringing Ben (in my case HANNAH!) home.
Not even close.
I guess she didn't realize that I already know the sleepless nights... or realize how much worse they were than our sleepless nights now. They were empty and quiet and piercingly lonely. She must not know the pain of infertility and what a heavy burden it is to carry."

I would never go back.  We had a great time and the memories of the fun parts of our life before baby will always be with me, but I would never go back! 

I love this little girly-girl way too much!

did I just totally contradict myself??? (read yesterday's post)



I love Rascal Flatts, they seem to have a song for everything.  

A couple of weeks ago I was on my way to Jo-Ann's.  My sweet baby was sleeping in her car seat and I was listening to the radio.  This song came on and I couldn't help but be reminded of the work it took to get her here...


There's a place I've been looking for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it
Couple times, even settled down
And I'd hang around just long enough
To find my way back out
I know now the place that I was trying to
Was you, right here in front of me

And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd find
I know now, there's a million roads
I had to take
To get me in your arms that way

In a love I never thought I'd get to get to
And if that's the road
God made me take to be with you

And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for all the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
Oh, baby-Ooo
Oh, got me here

-Rascal Flatts


Can I truly say that I would relive all the tears and the years and "walk right back through the rain"?
Well, funny thing... I was reading through my blog and I found one post I wrote in which I stated:
"I used to think that there has to be a reason for everything.
I have asked God so many times...Why? Why? Why?

I have come to know that there is no point in asking the question, "WHY?"

Sometimes things just have to happen.

From what I have learned about the premortal existence... I must have signed up for this trial in heaven. What was I thinking? Your guess is as good as mine. I must have known the outcome. I wonder if I was hesitant or if I walked up to the front of the line and said, I want that one. Give me that trail right there. Maybe I knew what blessings would come of it?"
Now I DO know the outcome...now I DO know the blessings that come of the trial of infertility and miscarriage...
...and they ARE worth the heart-breaking journey... "every stumbled step" it took to get HERE:

was worth it.

So don't give up ladies...don't give up!  I love you!


Let's Have a Better VIEW!

I was interested to find that this past week "The View" had a special episode all about infertility.

We don't even have cable so I normally don't watch the show.  However, I received an email from RESOLVE about it and it interested me.  I was really glad they were covering infertility, and they did an OK job of covering the basics, but, um... are they always so inconsiderate towards people's feelings?  Seriously...I guess a bunch of women can't be expected not to interupt, but really.  Some of them (Sherri and Barbara) have gone through some facet of infertility themselves, and I believe were somewhat tuned in...and I know that it's all for television drama...but Gah!

In the end, I was glad that they invited some people like you and me to share their experiences.  I was glad they had this special to help create awareness about infertility and miscarriage but I couldn't help but notice a few things...

Like, for instance...when Whoopie and Barbara started lecturing Giuliana about gaining weight so that she could have a baby.  You know...that kind of "advice" that we all have come to despise? Just look at the hurt on her face and how she is trying to mask the pain!!  It's the "how can I get out of here/when is this going to be over/please just stop talking/I shouldn't have to answer to you" look.  Even if what they were saying may be good advice, they still have no right to lecture her about it!  And...
Barbara Walters comment:  "We are not talking about adoption we are taking about infertility."  What the heck?!?!?


I LOVED the first couple they talked to and their comments about how it effected their marriage and the divorcee womans comments on how you consider ALL the options.

But now I'll stop ranting and raving...