God's Timing

Today I have read at least 3 blogs that mentioned something about being pregnant or having a baby or how many friend(s) they had that were pregnant. I read a blog that someone actually complained about the fact that she was pregnant...COMPLAINED! Seriously...don't they know that there are people who would do just about almost anything to have a child? To be pregnant and actually stay that way? No matter how sick they were or if they were on bed rest the entire time? Really.

I know, it is soooo hard being pregnant, your sick, you look fat, you can't eat lunchmeat... Gosh that IS hard! I mean, I know...I was pregnant once. It was really hard...but it was harder to lose the pregnancy.

It was harder to lose the anticipation of finally being able to look in the mirror to see if maybe today I could see little belly forming. It was harder to lose the excitement of being able to call my husband "Dad", just for fun and to see the happy and proud look on his face. It was harder to lose the feeling of complete happiness and satisfaction, knowing that finally...finally, we were going to be filling that "void" in our lives.

I've actually been pregnant three times. Well, I think it was three...the doctors only record 2 of them, the other one was in 2007. I was starting to have thoughts that maybe I was pregnant, but then I had really, really heavy bleeding, with extremely heavy cramps and I was in bed all day...my periods are never like that. It was very similar to the 1st time I miscarried.

That was just a year earlier, in 2006. We thought I was possibly pregnant, so we went to Rite-Aid (on our 2nd wedding anniversary) and bought a pregnancy test. I took it and it was +! What a wonderful anniversary gift, we were so excited, what more could we ask for...we were both graduating in December. It was perfect timing...just how we planned it...it was just to good to be true, but it was! The next day however, I started bleeding heavily and cramping, I made a doctor's appt, went a few days later and found out that I had been pregnant, but had miscarried. My pregnancy levels were really low and so they did an ultrasound to see how everything was "inside" and then sent me home. Since we hadn't really been trying for that long (2 months) I was sad, but not devastated...and I was still optimistic. I don't really remember having any debates within myself over whether or not I had done something wrong.

We tried for another year, without really actually trying. It would happen when God wanted it to happen.

In July of this year we found out we were pregnant again. This time we told everyone after about 7 weeks. We went home to visit our families and told them all. It was so exciting. I got to be the pregnant center of attention. I got to go shopping for maternity clothes. Then, I miscarried at 9 weeks. I was still visiting my family. My hubby had to leave the day after to go back home and go back to work. My wonderful mom took care of me.

I was really sad. I had plans. Now they were changing...again.

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