Another Miscarriage...

*This post was written on October 13, 2011, I miscarried October 10th, 2011 ~ I truly wish I could paint the experience with sunshine and rainbows, but I can't.  It was not happy at all.  I guess I am just stating the facts, though they are probably all jumbled and disconnected.  This is just what happened.  There is some good though, the part where I know and feel that my Heavenly Father is here, through it all.  The part that gives me peace.  When I work through that a little more...I'll tell you about it.

On Tuesday, August 23rd we found out that we were expecting once again.  We had been trying for 6 months and I had even gone to the doctor the week before to get blood work done to see if I needed to start infertility treatments.  I had not received any results back yet, but a week after that I decided to take a pregnancy test because of some symptoms that I had been having.  It ended up being positive to our surprise.  We were thrilled and talked about the excitement of having another child, being scared of another miscarriage, waiting to tell people, etc.

Right away the next day I called my doctor and got hooked up with all sorts of medications and hormones.  Lovenox injections every day (blood thinner for my PAI-1 gene mutation a.k.a. blood clotting disorder).  Folic Acid supplements for the MTHFR issue, prenatal vitamins of course, baby aspirin and progesterone to help prevent miscarriage, etc.  The Lovenox is also to help prevent from other pregnancy complications... Blah, blah, blah.

I was so excited to have the baby and Hannah about 2 1/2 years apart.  I wanted her to have a little sibling to run around with!

We went into the doctor (high risk doc) for our first ultrasound on September 19th.  According to the ultrasound I was only about 7 weeks and 1 day, I thought I was about 9 weeks and 3 days, according to my LMP.  That was okay though because things looked well.  We got to hear the baby's heartbeat...beating so fast.  All I know is that I fell in love right away.

...the perinatal doctor (the high risk doctor...not my regular OB) also updated me on the MTHFR and PAI-1 stuff.  He said that they don't even do testing for that anymore because the treatment that they would give has been through more research and they pretty much said that the research shows there is no reliable evidence to show that the treatment was preventative (for blood clotting and pregnancy complications).  Basically, it pretty much doesn't do anything.  Great.  So I had been bruising myself up with Lovenox injections for about a month and a half.  He also said that I didn't need to be taking any of the medications.  I did not fully agree with that, I felt like some of the medications were for good (like the Folic Acid, the progesterone).  But at this point I also felt like it was all for nothing.  Connel said at the time that "he believed there was a reason for all of it, we may not know what it is, but there was a reason."

I was just disappointed and a little angry because I guess I felt, somehow, that I had some control (even if it was all just in my head) over the miscarriages with all the medications that I was taking... but now there was nothing to prevent it.  I don't like to hear that I have any greater chance for miscarriage... and it's also just the feeling that we have no control.  Anyway, that's where I decided to give the trust to God and say..."You can handle this, I can't.  You have the control and I don't have the nerves to take it all on myself!"  I wrote about it all in a journal entry and said... "I don't think I could take it if we lost this little one..."

Well, I talked to my regular OB and we all agreed that I needed to stay on all of the medications.  This was getting really confusing, but I personally trusted him and his nurse more than the other doctor who had only ever seen me...once.  So I kept taking the Lovenox, Folic Acid, baby aspirin, progesterone and of course the prenatals.  All the medications were exhausting.  The Lovenox was just plain painful.  But I knew it was for the baby, so I kept on taking it for the team.

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Here is a post I wrote when I was 9 weeks 2 days pregnant.

Today I went into the doctor for my first official OB appointment.  Last night I was really (really, really) anxious about the whole thing.  I was specifically worried that we wouldn't hear the heartbeat and I was having a hard time getting to sleep.  After a little deliberation, I decided to text some family and close friends to see if they might just include me/us in their prayers.  Even just a few minutes after I was feeling a little more relieved and mostly loved by so many people, even though I had sent the text to only a handful of people! 

I started to get to sleep and Hannah started crying.  I went to check on her and put her back to sleep with a song.  After I was sure she was asleep, I went back to bed.  A little while later, she cried out again.  I went back up and felt that she was quite warm to the touch.  She had been sick with a mild case of croup this past weekend and had a fever then.  She was better Monday and Tuesday during the day, but I took her temperature anyway, and it was up again.  I brought her to bed with Connel and I and tried to get her to go to sleep, but she was fully awake and really wiggly.  I turned to Connel and asked if he might give her a blessing to help her get well and be able to get to sleep.

He gave her a nice blessing then we put her back to sleep.  I then asked Connel if he would now give ME a blessing!  It was good to keep with the late night tradition...(kidding...Connel just always teases me that I always ask for one in the middle of the night!)  But really, the blessing was just what I needed.  Most pertinent to the pregnancy was that...I will have many hard trails in life, but that this pregnancy will not be one of them.  When that was said, I let out an audible breath of relief.  I had felt the spirit so strong, there was not denying that the things that were said were true. 

Today (October 5th), I went to my OB appointment and we discussed many things like my MTHFR/PAI-1 4G/4G, medications for that, my preterm labor, whether or not to do genetic screening, etc.  We practically went over my complete medical history and that of my parents, Connel's parents, the entire family tree and the family dog's medical history...

However... what was interesting to me was that the nurse (the best one ever!) decided to do try to listen to the heartbeat.  She said "Now sometimes at this point in a pregnancy, we hear it, but sometimes, we don't.  So, please don't freak out if we don't hear it.  It doesn't mean that something is wrong."  She placed the heartbeat monitor on my abdomen and searched for a few minutes, but could not find it.  But...the entire time, I was filled with NO anxiety whatsoever...I remembered the words of the blessing and I felt at peace. 

I think she even believed me when I told her that I was not worried.  And I truly was not.  Now, those that know me well, will know that I WORRY!  So not being worried about not hearing my babies heartbeat... that's a big thing!  I felt fine about it, and I still do.  I know that it is because of many prayers and the blessing from my Father in Heaven that I felt at peace.  Otherwise I think I might be really freaking out!

We will have an ultrasound in a few weeks, but until then...I just want to thank my friends and family for their prayers, concern and love.  It helps to know that we have so many people who care!  And I am so grateful to my husband for worthily holding the priesthood and being able to call upon God for help and comfort when we need it!

Now...

My dear sweet little Baby,

I am so excited to have you come into our lives!  I know that you will be a special part of our family and that there is much to look forward to.  I am mostly excited to feel you move inside of me.  I love that feeling and am looking very forward to it!  I knew I loved you when I first found out that you were coming, then even more when I saw you on the ultrasound and I love you even more now.  Each day it becomes more real that you are on the way.  That fact that we will have another little person in our home overwhelms me a little bit, but mostly I know that you are meant to come and be here with our family.  I love you!

Your Mama, Laura Kathrine

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On Saturday, October 8th, I started bleeding, I was near ten weeks pregnant.  That day, I was in a little pain, but mostly, I was just bleeding with little cramps and taking it easy.  I was sitting there and coughed a little bit (I have had a cold).  I think I must have said "Ow." or something.  But, Hannah looked at me, "Mama..."  then came up to me and placed her little palm on my cheek. "...ah okay?"

 
We went to the hospital that afternoon (about 5 PM), only to get a Rhogam shot.  On the way there, we stopped at Drug Mart so I could pick up some pads.  I paid with a $20, my change was $13.13...I'm not superstitious, but I looked at the lady like, Seriously?!  Why don't you just keep a penny?

I was at the ER for 7 hours.  Registration, Bloodwork, IV, Internal Exam, the finally the Rhogam shot at almost Midnight!  I was sitting on an exam table the entire time, it was so uncomfortable.  Most of the time, I was by myself, I think they forgot about me some of the time.  Seriously, I think they did.  It pretty much sucked.  Connel was there for a little bit, but Hannah needed to go home and go to bed, so he took her home.  I didn't call anyone else I knew from here, because I wanted the baby to be okay.  I was hoping the baby would be okay.  The blessing said that this pregnancy wouldn't be a trial.  Plus, I wanted to wear that cute "skeleton fetus on the belly" costume to the ward party to make the big "announcement".  Dumb?  But true.

Sunday we skipped church and to doctor's orders, I laid around the entire day.  Cramping and bleeding (not too heavily, but I was still in a little bit of pain).

Monday the 10th, I woke up, showered, and put on my waterproof mascara, just in case.  We drove to the doctor's office and waited, nervously, in an ultrasound waiting room, with several other noticeably pregnant women.  We were supposed to be ten weeks pregnant, but... when they checked, we were told our baby was about the size of an eight week embryo.

Then, we were told that our baby had no heartbeat.

Connel took us out to breakfast.  I was glad we did that.  I didn't want to go home yet.  We went to a store.  Then we came home.  I tried to avoid looking at the welcome sign for the new baby girl next door as we pulled into our driveway.

That night, I miscarried my baby.

It was concentrating on the physically painful, mostly.  It hurt so bad.  I can't tell you.  I didn't remember how bad it could hurt.  Miscarriage is hard.  It is really, really hard.

At that point, I'd kind of checked out emotionally.  I only cried when I talked to people about it.  So mostly, I tried not to talk.  I had told a few family and friends that we were expecting.  But not a lot.  We had to tell them that we were weren't expecting anymore.  That's why I didn't want to tell many people.

Tuesday I had my first D&C ever.  I just wanted it all to be over with.  I didn't want the pain or the bleeding (a reminder of what was happening) to be prolonged.  We scheduled it for Tuesday, and even though, the night before, I passed the baby...we still decided that we would have a D&C to finish it.  Truthfully, I was glad the baby came before the D&C.  I don't know why, I was just glad it happened that way.

Overall, the birthing center stay was way better then the ER.  However, they did have a baby warmer in my room when I got there.  That was kind of mean.  I could also hear a few newborns crying down the hall.  That was sweet. (Sarcasm). Why they do these kinds of things in the birthing center?  Don't ask me.  Luckily, I didn't see a single baby during my stay.  I think I might have had a breakdown.

I changed into that beautiful hospital gown.  Connel took Hannah to our angel friend (thank you for her...the best ever).  I waited.  Registration.  IV.  Blood workup.  Doctor.  Anesthesiologist.  RN.  Etc.  Husband came back.  I don't remember going into the OR.  I remember them putting the tube in my nose.  Then I was waking up and I guess I said "I had a good dream."  Someone said, "Oh, you had a good dream?"  Then I said "Oh, I did?"

Back in the recovery room, my husband touched my head and the tears started flowing.  Sobs.  Then I said, "I just want to see my baby, I just want to hold my Hannah."  "I don't want to see any baby things",  I said.  Luckily for them, they had taken the baby warmer out while I was in surgery.

All the nurses left.  It all came out in sobs, but it wasn't long and I felt a little better.  I started joking a bit, I couldn't stop talking thanks to the wonder drugs.  We talked about our dream house.  Connel was trying to take my mind off of it, I think. ;)  We talked about Hannah.  How she was so sweet and funny and active.  I initiated a conversation about the budget...Connel steered us away from that subject quickly.  They brought me some food.  I had been told not to eat anything since midnight the night before and had to tell myself to eat slow.  I was starving.  I drank some water.  I went to the bathroom.  Then got to go home.

We went to pick up Hannah, our angel friend had made us some dinner to take home.  Probably one of the biggest blessings in this house.  Connel loves food.  I noticed, as we pulled into our driveway, that the sign for the new baby next door had been taken down.  I silently thanked God for that tender mercy.

The Percocet was settling in and I felt like I was in a fishbowl.  I slept, sort of.  I was dreaming like I was getting rushed down hallways with lots of doors, like this one episode of Muppet Babies I'd seen 20 years ago.  I kept feeling like I was falling.  Lots of weird dreams where I was asleep, but not really all the way.

When I woke up, I went upstairs.  I had to see my Hannah.  I tried to squeeze onto her bed, but that didn't work to well, she nudged me off, so I sang to her instead.

I couldn't sleep.  Finally, about 2 AM, the tears, the pain came again.  I asked Connel to cuddle me.  I silently prayed and asked God to let me know he was there.  Seconds later, without knowing my thoughts, Connel started humming, "I Feel My Savior's Love."

And I did, I felt His love.