I just wanted to say thank you to those of my family and friends who have been praying for us, sending us may well wishes, and checking in on us. I feel like sometimes I have these "woe is me" and downer days and it seems like there is always someone who texts or calls or emails me or leaves a nice comment that lifts my day. So, thank you...someday you'll know how much it means.
I feel like there is so much in my heart lately. Lots of feelings that leave me torn, lost of feelings that leave my uplifted. Mostly, I feel so loved. By friends, family, by my Savior, and by my Father in Heaven.
I had a friend who recently went through a hard physical trial. She has gone through many physical hardships in the past and went through lots of doubts and fears concerning them. But something she said has really stayed with me. She said that this time they "were not going to ask 'why?'." They were just going to have faith that whatever happens was the plan Heavenly Father had for their family. I was overcome by that statement. It came several months ago, but has been in my thoughts through this recent miscarriage.
When I had my miscarriage in 2009, I felt the lowest that I had felt in a long time. I was asking why, feeling depressed and going through a very spiritual wrestle with God and my testimony. I found myself asking Him Why did I have to wait so long? Why did I have to go through the pain of losing pregnancy after pregnancy?
Now, I know that God put certain people in my path and gave me situations that would help me grow. Mostly, He was there in so many small ways. Obviously, we know that Hannah came at the time she was a supposed to. Not to early, not to late. At the right time and place for her and for Heavenly Father's plan for her life.
Today, I feel strengthened through knowing that, and although I have thought to ask "Why?"...I have also tried to ask, "What am I to learn from this?" "Who am I to come closer to through this?" "How do I get through it?" Or to set the thought aside and pray for Him to help me know what to do next.
I have already felt my testimony of the power of prayer grow. I have felt and received the blessings of peace through the prayers of others. I have felt the warmth and security of my husband, as he has wrapped his arms around me each day and asked how I am doing, how can he help. I have received a stronger testimony of the power of the priesthood in my home and life. I have felt more grateful for a sweet little (almost 2 year old!) little girl who bring the sunshine into our life. I have felt the love of my Heavenly Father more deeply than I have ever felt it.
I feel like we go through stages in life where certain parts of our testimony grow. When I think of previous miscarriages, I think of how I received much strength from the Savior and knowing that His Atonement covers all things...including the heartaches we feel. I feel like this miscarriage has already been strengthening my testimony of a loving Heavenly Father who knows us personally and listens to our prayers. That he has a great plan for each one of us. I feel like he has been guiding me so freely to answers and guidance that helps me through. I feel like my previous miscarriages and the testimony that came from them has given me strength to get through this one. I was telling a friend today that I feel like I have been able to overcome this miscarriage more quickly than the previous ones. My friend put it this way..."You have found a coping mechanism". And I have.
The Savior and His infinite Atonement, a loving and living Heavenly Father, the crucial and important role that a caring family plays in my life, friends and family who offer prayers and a shoulder to cry on, the power or prayer, the word of God through the scriptures, the healing power of serving others...
Yes, indeed, I have found my coping mechanism. The true gospel of Jesus Christ.