Good Company

When Laura had her miscarriage I was a week away from taking a test to tell me if my frozen embryo transfer had “worked” and if I was pregnant.  It didn’t.  I wasn’t. 

And suddenly I’m infertile again.

I tried for a little more than three years to get pregnant with my first child, who is now four (and a half).  We went through the usual - clomid, IUI, and then, because I live in a state with mandated infertility coverage, I was able to do IVF.  And it worked the first time.  When it was time to try for #2 there were several reasons we went straight to IVF, and I recognize how lucky I was that once again it worked on the first try and that it left us with five frozen embryos “left over.”  So I’ve been living my life with my two sweet girls and my little frozen safety net and I, ever so gratefully, stopped feeling infertile.

But five weeks ago I went in for my frozen embryo transfer and found out that they had to thaw all five embryos to find one good one, which didn’t “stick.”  No more safety net. 

At my follow up appointment my RE said they see two types of people who come in for FET.  Those who feel an obligation to use the embryos, and those who want more kids.  I definitely want more kids.  As exhausting as they are, I love my two girls and I want them to be the older sisters of (maybe) two little siblings.  This is what I want, but there is really no reason to think it’ll happen on its own. 

And so I’m befuddled to find myself here again; but not the same “here” I was before by first daughter was born.  I do, after all, have two kids and I can tell you at the start of this “secondary infertility” journey I will be happy and grateful if these two, and their father, make up my whole family.  But nevertheless, here I am again.

This time though, I am not alone.  I know this would be a good time to talk about what I learned the first time around about relying on the Lord, but that will come later.  What I’m referring to is that I am here now at the same time as my sister and sweet friend.  And no, that is not fun or exciting, is it?  But at least it is good company.