This is an experience that Connel and I had when we were living in Idaho in 2007.
We had both graduated a few months ago and we were living in Rexburg while Connel was looking for a full time job. He was working construction, (anyone who's ever worked construction knows that it's never "dependable" as far as hours go.) so he was home a lot of the time. I was working at an apartment complex as a manager. Being a manager at BYU-Idaho is NOT a fun job, at least not to me. I can say that it's sort of like infertility...it sucks while your going through it...after it's over you realize how much you've learned...but you still never want to go through it again!
Anyway, So, my hubby and I's roles were turned around. He was the stay-at-home-husband and I was bringing home the bacon. Let's just say both of us really enjoy the typical roles that a husband and wife live and neither of us were doing anything in our "preferred" roles. This was very hard on me because I had recently had a miscarriage and I was being put under a lot of pressure at work. My attitude at this point in time was less then pleasant to say the least and I was pretty much crying myself to sleep every night. Okay so maybe I was throwing things across the room too, but hey...some of you understand right?
I just didn't feel like I was fulfilling the role that I was sent here to fulfill. I wanted to be the one staying at home, caring for children, cleaning the house...okay maybe not that last one! But, I wanted to feel nurturing and domestic and I was not feeling that way at all! I wanted to know, why Heavenly Father would be keeping me from doing what I KNOW was what I was supposed to do...
...fulfill my role as a Mother.
My natural instincts were good. The feelings that I was having about wanting to be a mother were okay to have. But my feelings of despair and selfishness and unfairness were not okay. But, if it wasn't going to fulfill that role yet, I needed something to help me get through it.
I awoke in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep for several hours. Eventually and inevitably, I ended up crying in the bed next to my sleeping husband, only this time he woke up. He asked me what was wrong and I told him all the feelings of impatience and longing and stress about work that I was feeling and we decided that it might be good for me to have a blessing. He told me that we would go ahead and do it right now.
As I sat with my husbands hands upon my head in the middle of our dark living room, I felt the spirit overcome me. As my husband voice started quivering, I knew that I was overcome as well. It was a spirit of peace, a spirit of comfort, two loving arms opened wide and then wrapped around both of us. I don't remember anything the blessing said.
All I remember was the feeling that we had together with our Father in Heaven. One of our first experiences of that kind apart from the feeling in the sealing room on our wedding day. I also remember that I felt like everything was going to be okay. That I was strong enough to get through whatever it was that was making me hurt inside. I felt God's love.
Afterwards, we knelt down to pray together and thank Heavenly Father for this experience. Throughout the prayer I remember feeling the same feelings of love and power that I had felt a few minutes earlier. I was so grateful, and still am, for that outpouring of the spirit! What a great and merciful Heavenly Father we have!
I had sort of forgotten that experience. Then I got asked to share something in Sunday School that reminded me of God's power and love. To go along with the part of the lesson about how Israel set up a memorial of 12 stones after crossing the parted Jordan River to remind future generations about God's love.
Now I realize that my experience with infertility is always going to be a reminder to me of God's power and love. Whenever I was going through a rough patch with infertility, He would somehow through His amazing power show me that I was loved. Without his power and love I could not have gotten through it. Maybe I'd still have gotten pregnant, maybe I'd still have my sweet baby girl, but I don't think I would still be the same person I am without Him and his comfort at the times that I needed it most. I most definitely would not have the same feelings about Motherhood that I do now. I can't take for granted things that took me forever to get. I look at my baby everyday and realize how blessed I am to have her in my life. And the love that He has for us is ten times the love that we feel for our own children?!?
Now, that's powerful.
Wow. This is all written a lot better than what I shared in Sunday School, there it was all jumbled and blubbered out through tears. But, it is so interesting how Heavenly Father helped me to remember this point in time and the feelings that came with it. And how closely it coincided with the things in the lesson. I decided that I needed to write it down and get it "set in stone". Maybe it can be a reminder to my future generations that no matter what, Heavenly Father is watching over them and loves them.
