(In)Fertility Sisters

This past month I have been from one end of the country to another. It was tiring, but worth it.

First, I went to visit my sister in Massachusetts and then helped her with her 2 little girls on the flights from MA to Salt Lake City.

On the plane, we had a full row---complete with a Mother, a 2 year old, a 3 month old and a Mother-to be. My sister (who also spent a significant amount of time and money on fertility treatments) leaned over and said to me..."you know, looking down our row, you would never know that we both had fertility problems..." :)

We are warriors, you know that sis?



It was on our flight to SLC, where the flight attendant looked at my little niece as we boarded the plane and mentioned that there were so many beautiful children on this flight, and then said,
"but that's because we're headed to Salt Lake City."

Crazy breeding Mormons!
...and I'm finally one of them...Boo ya.

Who is your Umbrella?

Puttin' on the Ritz

I read this today, and wondered...Do I flaunt my pregnancy? I know that because I am very happy and love to see my belly growing, and it's all I've ever wanted, I tend to talk about it a lot. I seriously hope that I have never "Put on the Ritz" or in other words "ostentatiously or pretentiously displayed" my pregnant belly to the point where I am snubbing others who aren't pregnant? Have I?



Have you ever known someone who totally flaunts their pregnancy? Only once have I had someone say to me (without knowing that I was struggling with infertility and multiple miscarriage) something like, "Oh, you won't understand because you've never been pregnant."

I know that I haven't run around the city dancing with my belly hanging out, but please tell me that I am not guilty of "Puttin on the Ritz"... :(

Grace

Just a little warning to some of you out there: I am talking about pregnancy a little in this post, so bear with me, or, if you'd like...exit immediately.

Someone dear I know, recently talked about being at a full term pregnancy. This is her 2nd one, however her first was born premature and spent weeks in an incubator surrounded by tubes and IV's... not very fun to say the least. She wrote how blessed she felt to have Heavenly Father listen to her many prayers for her little one who is now on the way and blessing her and her pregnancy to have come as far as she has.

As I read, I was reminded that we all have our own trials that we go through. I was also reminded that Heavenly Father listens and ANSWERS our prayers.

We all have our own anxieties and fears and WHAT-IF's that run through our head constantly.

When I think someone complaining about how she was up for hours last night with 4 kids is lucky because she doesn't have any problems getting pregnant and has 4 kids under the age of 6...

When I wonder if so and so who is complaining about her messy kids leaving things around that house, knows how lucky she is to actually live in a house when there are so many others out there that have lost theirs, not to mention to actually have children to yell at about cleaning it up...

...I have to remember not to be judgmental, I have to remember that Heavenly Father cares about even the LITTLE THINGS that we are concerned over.

Which then reminds me that he is concerned for those women that I so quickly dismissed.

What I may not know, is that the woman with 4 children is in a constantly stressed out state, because it's not easy taking care of 4 kids under the age of 6 and maybe she is hiding that she is suffering a little bit of depression.

I may not know that the women complaining about her home being messy is trying to sell it and so it needs to be clean for prospective buyers, not to mention, what is really bothering her are not her children's cleaning habits, but that she just found out her son is getting into trouble with drugs and her daughter is dating some questionable boys.

But, HE knows their concerns. He knows ours. As long as we PRAY.

I'm not saying that if we don't pray, he's not going to know. After all, he is all knowing. But, he wants to know that we know he will attend to our needs.

Yesterday as I read the sacrament hymn (Reverently and Meekly Now), I read the words, "In the solemn faith of PRAYER, cast upon me all thy care, and my Spirit's grace shall be, Like a fountain unto thee."

Even if it doesn't come swiftly, even if it takes all of the patience and trust that we can muster, our Heavenly Father and our Savior are who we can trust to help us.

Yesterday morning I woke up at about 4 AM thinking that I had been sleeping on my stomach and in a HUGE state of panic. "Had I been squishing my baby?" I went back to sleep, but all during church, I felt a small sense of anxiety that I had squished my baby to death. Because I couldn't feel any movement. When I got home I ran a bath to settle my nerves, when I hopped in I said a quick and quiet little prayer that I would be able to feel my baby move and know they were movements. A few minutes past I began to feel a little settled. Then, I felt a movement, and then another one, and another one...

I wondered why He had cared to answer such a simple prayer as that? Of course he cared...because I cared, small concern as it seemed, it was big to me and so, "his grace was like a fountain."

------

P.S. I feel really bad that I have not had much to say lately.

So, I am going to direct you to some of my favorites that I have been reading lately. They all offer, when needed, a great pick me up...or sometimes, just a great perspective. Plus, they write way better than I do!

Feigning Fertility
We Are All Mothers
Moosh in Indy (especially her post about being a panda in a rabbit world)


But, I am still here, so please don't give up on me! Even if I am a little slacker!

Hope

To me, hope is usually hard to explain. I know what faith is, I know that faith and hope intertwine somehow, but I have always found it hard to understand hope. I was looking through a website that I love (find it here) and she posted a quote by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf that said this:

"Hope is not knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill his promise to us."

Just like that. It makes perfect sense. Faith is belief. Hope is trust.

Whatifs

I have been feeling a little What-iffy lately... It's just that I have had so many worries pop into my mind lately and I start thinking that something bad will happen.

I love Shel Silverstein, he seems to have a poem for every weird thing out there...

WHATIF
Shel Silverstein

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
and pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow taller?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems well, and then
the nighttime Whatifs strike again!

Although I am a little worried at times that I might tear my pants or that I will grow green chest hair, This is really my nightly version:

Whatif I still have a miscarraige?
Whatif I have a miscarraige while all 10 or more people I know who are pregnant right now go on to have their babies and I loose mine and just end up being pitied?
Whatif I have incompetent cervix?
Whatif I have to go on bed rest and I miss my sister's wedding?
Whatif I go on vacation and something goes wrong with the pregnancy?
Whatif the babies heart stops beating?
Whatif I didn't eat well enough in the 1st trimester?
What if those really aren't "round ligament pains" (or whatever their called?) and there is something wrong?
Whatif when they take me off of progesterone, my uterus stops working right and we loose the baby?
Whatif all this time I wanted a child and then I have it and suck at being a mother?!?


...I really need to get a project going.

Let Him Work Miracles

The first Sunday in March we were in fast and testimony meeting at church. As the meeting progressed, there seemed to be a theme that continued through many testimonies.

Miracles.

I don't care what people may say... I believe in miracles. I have witnessed many miracles, large and small, seen and unseen, as I have watched family members and friends experience them. God does not leave us without experiences and examples which help witness to us that He is in our lives.

I was, however, starting to feel a little bit bitter. "What about me?" What about our miracle? That miracle where something out of my control---namely trying to conceive---suddenly goes exactly right and life is hunky dory and everyone sees that life is a miracle? In my case, Heavenly Father must know that when Satan jumps in with the "what about me?" doubts, He needs to intervene quickly...and He did, my mind and soul soon felt at peace as I realized that...the miracle that God was working had already taken place...was still taking place...Over the last 3 years, God had worked a miracle within my heart and soul.

The miracles that often go unnoticed, except by those who experience them (and often these are not even noticed until hindsight kicks in), are these miracles where God strengthens and molds us through trials and callings and life experiences. That it what I know had taken place within me. That day I shared with my branch that I know through our trails, God works miracles, but sometimes, they are not seen, sometimes he works them within us, within our hearts.

...

...

...

However,

what I didn't know...

...was that God was busy working another miracle...

...within me...

...

literally.


On April 14th, 2009, (coincidentally, my due date for our 3rd miscarriage)...

...I took a positive pregnancy test.


I am now 14 weeks pregnant.


Some of you will shout for joy because you know of the pain and struggle that it has been for us to come this far. But the reality I know is that
some of your tears will not be so happy...

To you whose tears are from the pains and longing for children, I feel very inadequate at the moment and can say nothing to try and ease that pain. I've felt that pain, and it hurts. It is real. The only person who can truly heal and comfort that pain is the Savior.

"In our own storms in life the Savior is our solace and our sanctuary. If we seek peace, we must come unto Him. He Himself spoke this eternal truth when He said, “My yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” When our souls are anchored in the safe harbor of the Savior, we can proclaim as did Paul: “We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed.” (Joseph B. Wirthlin, Ensign May 2000)

Just know that I love you, I know that many of you have prayed for us and I thank you all for the many thoughts and prayers in our behalf. We love you all so much!


"Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true."