A Prayer

(my version of THIS poem) 

Lord,

Thank you for the dishes overflowing in the sink...
and the colorful plastic spoons therein that recently fed pureed carrots.

Thank you for this mountain of dirty laundry...
and the spit-up covered onesies that can be found piled on top.

Thank you for the unmade bed...
and the little body that cuddled close to my chest on it early this morning.

Thank you for this bathroom that needs a major scrubbing bubbles treatment...
and the wonderful smell of the pink "no tears" shampoo sitting on the ledge of the tub.

Thank you for this cluttered living room carpet...
and that the clutter consists of teething rings, rattles and board books.

Thank you for my rushed trips to the grocery store...
and the crying baby in the car seat that sits in the shopping cart.

Thank you for the grass that needs mowing...
and for the tiny little fingers that discovered it's lush green-ness today.

Thank you for that sewing table cluttered with yet-to-complete crafts and projects...
and the crib with pink sheets that sits in the same room. 

Thank you for the darkening bags under my eyes...
and the little cries that keep me up at night.

Thank you for the "extra padding" around my middle...
and for letting my have the chance to feel a baby move inside me.

Thank you for letting me tickle soft skin.  Thank you for letting my change a baby's diaper.  Thank your for letting me kiss chubby little cheeks.  Thank you for letting me hear tiny giggles each day.   I will try to be more grateful for the little joys that she brings to my life...for the things that I DON'T get to do because you have given me a gift.

The perfect beautiful gift of being a Mother.

What IF?

My Stick Family from WiddlyTinks.com

Infertility.  It never leaves.  It is always there in the back of your mind, it will always be a part of life.  There are many questions that infertility can place in your mind.  The What IF's.  Here's mine, my What IF...the one that weighs on my mind when I think of the future and more babies and expanding our family...

What IF I have to go through it all again??? 

Ultimately, I know it will all be okay, but thinking about going through the pain and longing again just makes me sick to my stomach.  It makes my arms feel empty... I can't think about it, I shouldn't.  I have a 6 month old baby, and many of you are probably thinking...there is no need to worry right now, think about it later, it's too soon to be worrying about those things. 

Well... today my hubby asked when we were going to start trying again for another baby.

Um...okay...HELL-O!  What IF I get pregnant and miscarry? What IF I can't get pregnant again? What IF I never get to feel a child in my womb again? What IF I have to go through the pain again and it effects the way I care for Hannah? What IF we have to go through it again and this time my husband and I get pulled apart instead of clinging together? 

Those are the thoughts that flashed through my mind.  Not, "oh maybe we'll have a boy this time", or "it would be so fun for Hannah to be a big sister". 

Then he said, " If started now, it would still be 9 months until we had another baby."  Um...ok...HELL-O!  I have a feeling it would take a LOT LONGER than 9 MONTHS!  Of course he meant well, and funny thing is though, If I wanted to start trying again so soon, all logic and reason (and I'm pretty sure even the spirit)  says that it would be crazy to try for another baby yet. 

The point is...my mind just heads towards "infertile thoughts"  whenever the subject of family building comes up. 

So...

I've decided to answer my question with one simple answer...

IF I have to go through it all again, IF I didn't learn something that I needed to the 1st, 2nd and 3rd time...I'll just have to do what I did before...

I'm going to have to take it one step at a time.  One day at a time.  And HOPE.  I can't think about all the bad things that could happen.  I have to remember these experiences and remember that something good came from going through this trail.  And something good can come from the next.  Trails are there for our good... right?  RIGHT?!?!

...but then the whatIF's strike again.

P.S. We are NOT trying again, yet.  So, don't get all excited.

Going back?

I have to admit.  The demands of Motherhood are harder than I imagined.  Are they not to everyone?  Would I ever go back to the way things were before, when it was just Connel and I?  No diapers, no spit-up, no endless piles of laundry?... oh, I guess those piles were there before! Haha!

I ran across a blog post today who's sentiments were exactly what I have felt at times, but never had the words to explain it.  

After someone made a comment about her wishing things would go back to the way they were before...She said:

"Yeah, I'll admit that I've come to realize the demands of motherhood, the sacrifices, the exhaustion, and so much more... but, even after the longest night or the most exhausting day, I have NEVER once wanted to go back to what life was before bringing Ben (in my case HANNAH!) home.

Not even close.

I guess she didn't realize that I already know the sleepless nights... or realize how much worse they were than our sleepless nights now. They were empty and quiet and piercingly lonely. She must not know the pain of infertility and what a heavy burden it is to carry."

I would never go back.  We had a great time and the memories of the fun parts of our life before baby will always be with me, but I would never go back! 

I love this little girly-girl way too much!

did I just totally contradict myself??? (read yesterday's post)

Here

I love Rascal Flatts, they seem to have a song for everything.  

A couple of weeks ago I was on my way to Jo-Ann's.  My sweet baby was sleeping in her car seat and I was listening to the radio.  This song came on and I couldn't help but be reminded of the work it took to get her here...

---

There's a place I've been looking for

That took me in and out of buildings

Behind windows, walls and doors

And I thought I found it

Couple times, even settled down

And I'd hang around just long enough

To find my way back out

I know now the place that I was trying to

Reach

Was you, right here in front of me

And I wouldn't change a thing

I'd walk right back through the rain

Back to every broken heart

On the day that it was breakin'

And I'd relive all the years

And be thankful for the tears

I've cried with every stumbled step

That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing what I let my heart go through

To get me where it got me

In this moment here with you

And it passed me by

God knows how many times

I was so caught up in holding

What I never thought I'd find

I know now, there's a million roads

I had to take

To get me in your arms that way

In a love I never thought I'd get to get to

Here

And if that's the road

God made me take to be with you

And I'd relive all the years

And be thankful for all the tears

I've cried with every stumbled step

That led to you and got me here, right here

Oh, baby-Ooo

Oh, got me here

-Rascal Flatts

---

Can I truly say that I would relive all the tears and the years and "walk right back through the rain"?

Well, funny thing... I was reading through my blog and I found one post I wrote in which I stated:

 ---

"I used to think that there has to be a reason for everything.
I have asked God so many times...Why? Why? Why?

I have come to know that there is no point in asking the question, "WHY?"

Sometimes things just have to happen.

From what I have learned about the premortal existence... I must have signed up for this trial in heaven. What was I thinking? Your guess is as good as mine. I must have known the outcome. I wonder if I was hesitant or if I walked up to the front of the line and said, I want that one. Give me that trail right there. Maybe I knew what blessings would come of it?"

 ---

Now I DO know the outcome...now I DO know the blessings that come of the trial of infertility and miscarriage...

...and they ARE worth the heart-breaking journey... "every stumbled step" it took to get HERE:

was worth it.

So don't give up ladies...don't give up!  I love you!

Let's Have a Better VIEW!

I was interested to find that this past week "The View" had a special episode all about infertility.

We don't even have cable so I normally don't watch the show.  However, I received an email from RESOLVE about it and it interested me.  I was really glad they were covering infertility, and they did an OK job of covering the basics, but, um... are they always so inconsiderate towards people's feelings?  Seriously...I guess a bunch of women can't be expected not to interupt, but really.  Some of them (Sherri and Barbara) have gone through some facet of infertility themselves, and I believe were somewhat tuned in...and I know that it's all for television drama...but Gah!

In the end, I was glad that they invited some people like you and me to share their experiences.  I was glad they had this special to help create awareness about infertility and miscarriage but I couldn't help but notice a few things...

Like, for instance...when Whoopie and Barbara started lecturing Giuliana about gaining weight so that she could have a baby.  You know...that kind of "advice" that we all have come to despise? Just look at the hurt on her face and how she is trying to mask the pain!!  It's the "how can I get out of here/when is this going to be over/please just stop talking/I shouldn't have to answer to you" look.  Even if what they were saying may be good advice, they still have no right to lecture her about it!  And...

Barbara Walters comment:  "We are not talking about adoption we are taking about infertility."  What the heck?!?!?

but,

I LOVED the first couple they talked to and their comments about how it effected their marriage and the divorcee womans comments on how you consider ALL the options.

But now I'll stop ranting and raving...

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE EPISODE

1 Samuel 1:27

For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him:

Due

 At first I felt a little jipped that I didn't get the FULL pregnancy experience.  I wanted ALL 9 MONTHS.

Over the past 5 weeks I have wondered what it would be like if I was still pregnant.  What would I have been doing?  What would I have looked like?  Over the past 5 weeks, I have pondered what kinds of things we could have avoided if she would have waited to come...the NICU visit, possibly even the AWFUL acid reflux that she is having as it happens a lot in preemies...

I could say that Hannah came too late, after all we endured 3 miscarriages and waited 3 years for her to come into our lives.

I could say she came too early, because she was born at 35 weeks.

But, if there is one thing that I want to remember and that I want Hannah to remember it is this...

You came at the right time, not to early, not to late.

Heavenly Father sent you at just the right time, he has a specific plan in mind for you, he has all along.  He waited until it was the perfect timing to send you to Mommy's tummy and he chose the right time to have you come into the world.  My dear baby girl, you are the sunshine after the rain, the hope you have brought will touch and warm many lives...it already has.

Photos by Ashley Malena Photography