1 Samuel 1:27

For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him:

Due

 At first I felt a little jipped that I didn't get the FULL pregnancy experience.  I wanted ALL 9 MONTHS.

Over the past 5 weeks I have wondered what it would be like if I was still pregnant.  What would I have been doing?  What would I have looked like?  Over the past 5 weeks, I have pondered what kinds of things we could have avoided if she would have waited to come...the NICU visit, possibly even the AWFUL acid reflux that she is having as it happens a lot in preemies...

I could say that Hannah came too late, after all we endured 3 miscarriages and waited 3 years for her to come into our lives.

I could say she came too early, because she was born at 35 weeks.

But, if there is one thing that I want to remember and that I want Hannah to remember it is this...

You came at the right time, not to early, not to late.

Heavenly Father sent you at just the right time, he has a specific plan in mind for you, he has all along.  He waited until it was the perfect timing to send you to Mommy's tummy and he chose the right time to have you come into the world.  My dear baby girl, you are the sunshine after the rain, the hope you have brought will touch and warm many lives...it already has.

Photos by Ashley Malena Photography

So Thankful...

for our little angel.

Early Arrival of the Long Awaited Day...

Well, I guess she was just as impatient to get here as we were to have her here!

Hannah Mae was born on November 4, 2009.  She was 5 weeks early, and is in the NICU for a little while, but we are so happy to have our sweet little girl.  She should be fine and out of the NICU within a few weeks, but for right now she is working on getting better at eating and breastfeeding.  She has some jaundice and is under the bili-lights, but has many small successes each day.  We love to cuddle and hold her and give her plenty of kisses!

Updates will come later and, but for right now, we want to shout the news from the rooftop!

Our little miracle is here!

She's everything we've dreamed of...

Hey Good Lookin!

The last award I received was in high school...

However, The other day, I received this little beauty!

from the READING FOR SANITY blog.

(an oh-so-fantastic book review blog)

What?  ME?!?  Thank you. Thank you!

I'm a little embarrassed, a little excited, and completely flattered!

Thanks for noticing my new header* BTW!

This award is meant as a pat on the back to those paying particular attention to their blog presentation...so now I get to choose 5 blogs who I deem ever so worthy of that particular pat on the back!

In no particular order...

Feigning Fertility: Ashley's eloquent words hit home to many a woman who has felt the pain of infertility or miscarriage, and the sweet blessing of adoption.  She's inspiring, sincere and witty.  And she deserves some kudos for the cute blog headers that she is always creating!
Scatter Sunshine:  Her happy personality is always bringing us awesome ideas and inspiration to "brighten" up our lives!  Her blog design perfectly portrays her sunshine personality. Also...check out her yummy recipe blog here!
The Idea Room:  For her new blog layout which makes it so easy to access all of the super easy and fun sewing, craft, activity, and food ideas that she has to share with us!  She also sells some of her products!
The Coterie:  I just love her simple and streamlined design, not to mention her photography skills, great finds that she shares daily, and her fabulous etsy products!
Elegant Word Art by Bethany:  She doesn't even know who I am (she will now!) but I love, love, love her endless plethora of word art.  I use it all the time in my digital scrapbooking.  She has word art ranging from Twilight quotes to Motivational sayings to anything else you can think of!


Okay ladies, if you are up to playing along here are the rules:
1. Post the award on your blog, with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.

2. Pass the award to 5 other blogs that you particularly like. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award. 

Thanks to all these ladies for sharing your great talents and personalities with us!

*header designed by me in Heritage Makers studio, using Jamie Dell Scraps Kit "Dance in the Rain"

Why be normal?

I posted this on my personal blog today and thought that I would update here too.

Things have gone so well this pregnancy and I have NO room to complain, after all, I AM pregnant and it has been wonderful!  However, when life starts to get normal at all, I have learned to start to wonder what will happen next...

Here is the story, the best that I can explain it.  We went to the doctor a few weeks ago and he ordered a blood test.  Because I am taking 81 mg of baby aspirin (which my previous doc in St. Louis put me on) they wanted to make sure there wasn't anything major before taking me off of the baby aspirin which they usually do in the last month of pregnancy.  Mostly they were screening for chances of blood clotting issues and such.  I went back to the doctor about a week later and they received a fax from the lab which contained information about MTHFR (Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductace) gene mutation and a few other things that I didn't understand completely.

They explained that it was a rare genetic deficiency and that it had to do with elevated homocystiene levels, blood clots, and absorbing folic acid.  Normally pregnant women have elevated homocystiene levels, which puts them/us at a greater risk of blood clotting.  However, with this specific mutations I have even higher homocystiene levels, thus causing an even greater risk for things like thrombosis (blood clots) and arteriosclerosis (hardening of arteries) which can eventually lead to other complications such as heart attack and stroke.  Blah!

Now, before you go and get all freaked out...know this:

 

Everything is going to be just fine, I am doing well and more importantly so is our little girl.  I have no known blood clots so far.  The doctor has been having me come at weekly intervals at this point (which they usually don't start until about the 35/36th week) and my blood pressure has been normal, I have had little to no swelling and no unexplained pain.  Each week they do an Fetal NST (non-stress test).  And so far, she had not been "stressed".  Also, because of my family history none of this information surprised me way to much and I felt that there was no need to worry so much.  (What really intrigued me most was that they also mentioned that this blood clotting could be one of the causes of my many previous miscarriages.  To be brief, the elevated homocystiene levels could have possibly caused the blood behind the placenta to clot or lack of blood flow to the baby, causing miscarriage.)

They mentioned that they would send the new lab information to the perionatologist (high-risk pregnancy doctor) and have him look over it and they told me that I may need to meet with him.

Later on in the week (about a week ago) I got a call from the perionatologist office and they scheduled an appointment for me to meet with him October 21st (yesterday).  After this call, I was actually a little bit nervous, mostly because he is a high-risk doctor.  In my mind, going to a high-risk doctor means that I have a high-risk pregnancy, that there are complications.  Something that just causes me to stress and worry all the more!

So, yesterday morning we got up and headed to the perinatal center for our consultation.  We thought that they were going to do ANOTHER ultrasound (which I don't mind, but we've had a total of 6!), because that is what the receptionist had mentioned might happen.  However, no ultrasound, we just met with the doc.  And, the new news is that I have a rare genetic defect which can lead to complications in pregnancy. 

There is so much medical mumbo jumbo that I can hardly keep up with it.  But, to help myself understand it better I am laying it out in writing.

I have PAI-1 Homozygous 4G/4G allele.

I also have MTHFR mutations C677T/A1298C.

Try to understand that! Ha!

Combined, these two little deficiencies do the following...

I'll try my best to explain it all in basic terms:

The MTHFR gene is responsible to absorbing folate.  And we all know that folate/folic acid is very important during pregnancy and while trying to concieve.  So, because I am deficeint, I have to take extra folic acid on top of my prenatal pills.  Not so painful. :)

Because this deletion of MTHFR, I have extra high levels of homocystiene, and increased risk for blood clots I am now on a blood thinner or anticoagulant known as Lovenox, which I will have to be on from now until about 36 weeks, then I will be on heparin, then Lovenox again until 8 weeks after I give birth.  Lovenox is a bit more painful...it is in injection form---I have to give myself SHOTS--in the stomach!  Gag.  One every day.  I know lots of people out there have to give themselves shots each day for various reasons, however, if you know me, you know that I get really, really woozy around needles.

(Today, I went in and had a nurse from the hospital teach me how to give myself the shot.  What an angel, she had me practice on a towel with some water filled syringes a couple times, then I GAVE MYSELF the shot!  It was quick and painless...until about 30 seconds...then, it BURNED, it felt like someone was pinching me really hard in the love handle and twisting!  However, the 7 or 8 minutes of pain subsided and I am now feeling confident about giving myself an injection each day.  Thanks to the angel nurse!

The PAI-1 is a little more difficult to explain, I am still trying to keep the two separated but I think the truth is that they are related, they are both on the same genes from what I understand.  But it is also related to the blood and thrombosis.  It is also related to metabolism somehow.  What I remember most from what he said is that because of the increase risk of blood clotting, I cannot ever be on a hormonal birth control and I will not be able to take hormonal supplements such as estrogen when the time comes (such as menopause).  And because the blood clotting factor is not enough... It also puts me at a greater risk to have complications in pregnancies... such as miscarraige, stillbirth, preeclampsia/eclampsia, placental abrubtion, intrauterine growth restriction (small babies) and prematurity.  Ya.

Other than ALL of THAT yuckiness...

No changes in my activity or diet, just keep exercising and healthy eating habits...they called me because they WERE supposed to have me have an ultrasound, so today I went in and saw baby Hannah again!  (However, can multiple ultrasounds do damage to baby at all?  Just wondering...) Mostly because I have ultrasound #8 in 2 weeks to make sure baby is still healthy and growing well.  I still go to my regular OB ever week and so between all of it, I feel that I am pretty well taken care of!

The feeling that Connel and I get is that everything is going to be okay, so far my pregnancy has gone extremely well and we have had little to no scares.  We are very very very lucky to have this little sweetie growing (and having a personal party) inside my womb.  She has been right on track in all the ultrasounds and there has not been anything of note to cause concern or alarm before this.

After we left the doctor, I was a little subdued and Connel asked if I was okay, I started to cry because I wasn't.  I was mostly upset because everything was going fine and then this had to happen.  I told him that I just wish that things could be normal for once and that I could have a regular pregnancy just like the a NORMAL woman, no worries about miscarraige and blood clots...just the NORMAL pregnancy woes like back pain and nausea!  I also told him that I just wanted to know that our baby girl would be healthy and safe when she was born and things like this always make me worry!

However, despite this bloody little setback, I have to acknowledge that I do have so many things to be grateful for...

I am so grateful that I have such a supportive and uplifting husband!  Connel has been a real strength to me during any hard time and through this pregnancy he has been no different, always helping me with the normal pregnant things that I can't do like lift and pull and bend.  Giving me backrubs and foot rubs at any request, offering to give me a pedicure (which I have yet to claim, maybe I'll take him up on that this evening!), suffering through my snoring and endless tossing and turning and taking up most of the bed. (I have a funny story about that, BTW!)  And following me from kid sale to kid sale just to carry all the clothes that I have stocked up on for Hannah!  And most of all caring about my feelings and supporting me with uplifting words when things like this happen, whether large or small.

I have felt that the doctors that I have had throughout this pregnancy have been inspired.  My doctor in St. Louis put me on baby aspirin which they do for many pregnant patients to prevent blood clots, but she did this without prior testing, hoping that it would help decrease the chance of miscarriage.  Then, the doctor here was doing the blood screening to make sure there were no issues which would cause complications, and because of his thoroughness, we have been able to hopefully prevent any awful complications.  I have a family history of heart disease and such, but no personal prior medical history of any blood clotting issues.  When the doctor recommended baby aspirin, I thought it to be sort of random, it was also random that they did the blood clot screening here in Ohio... I really feel like Heavenly Father has definitely been intervening in our behalf, medically and otherwise.

And what would I do without my family and friends!  You have rejoiced and cried with us when we finally had a successful pregnancy.  We have received more support than we could have ever asked for during this pregnancy.  You have all given me hope through your well wishes and words of encouragement.  We have been spoiled through two baby showers already and another one coming up!  And most importantly you have given us so much support through your prayers and love!

So I guess, come to think of it...with all the blessings attached, why would I even want to be normal?  Normal is boring!

Never thought I would cry over Chocolate Cake...

A blogging friend of mine, recently wrote THIS POST at the blog We Are All Mothers.  It is an amazing allegory that beautifully and explains the feelings that one may experience in the journey of infertility and miscarriage.  And then, the feelings of finally receiving your "dessert".

(Christne: I have a hard time posting commnents on your blog for some reason, but I wanted to tell you that your words are soo beautiful!)

Whenever I hear the song of a bird...

When I was a little girl, my Mom used to sing songs to me as she rocked me to sleep...

This is one of my favorites...

"Whenever I hear the song of a bird
Or look at the blue, blue sky,
Whenever I feel the rain on my face
Or the wind as it rushes by,
Whenever I touch a velvet rose
Or walk by our lilac tree,
I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world
Heavenly Father created for me.

He gave me my eyes that I might see
The color of butterfly wings.
He gave me my ears that I might hear
The magical sound of things.
He gave me my life, my mind, my heart:
I thank him reverently.
For all his creations, of which I'm a part.
Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me.

I am listening to it right now from this soundtrack...

 (which is a beautifully peaceful soundtrack by the way)

Somehow I just happened to look outside the window at the same time as this song was playing, And in the quiet rain I saw 3 or 4 little birdies, flitting around and eating from the neighbor's bird seed...

It almost seems to perfect doesn't it?  It is...

 It's just a little miracle for my day, something to remind me that He is there... in everything.

My Heavenly Father loves me...he loves me so much that he is letting me be a part of one of his creations...

...a creation that, in 6-8 weeks, I will hold in my arms and sing to sleep.

Love this new website...

Finding HOPE

 "No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations."
The Infinite Power of Hope
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Fireside this Weekend

If I still lived in the Idaho Falls or surrounding area...I would NOT MISS THIS FIRESIDE!

This Sunday there will be a fireside in Idaho Falls (Oh, how I miss my Idaho...) mrs. r (the r house) will be speaking about finding hope through infertility and adoption.

If you live in the Idaho Falls or surrounding area and have been affected by infertility and/or adoption...you need to attend this fireside!!!


Taylor Mountain Stake Center

260 Castlerock Lane, Idaho Falls, ID 83404

(it's right behind Taylorview Jr High)

6pm

...and there will even be treats.

Angels

A few days ago, I went to my new doctor here in Ohio. The day before I made the appointment I had received my records from my previous OB in the mail. So, the night before I went in to see the new OB I decided to go through the paperwork to make sure everything was there and ready.

I started through the packet and was taken back a year ago to when we first started meeting with the doctor in Missouri. My first appointment was an ultrasound to check that all was well in my uterus and that there was no tissue left from my recent miscarriage. Suddenly, the feelings of that time last year raced back to me. I literally held my breath as I remembered the loss, the stress, the disappointment and feelings of depression. I even started feeling a little woozy.

I continued to scan the paperwork and was brought through somewhat of a clinical journey of our recovery from the miscarriage, and beginning the process of trying to conceive once again, onto progesterone supplements and ovulation tracking and Metformin.

Then, finally, I came upon the note of the call to the doctor about a positive pregnancy test...and I started sobbing. Why? When I looked at my journey on paper, printed lab notes with garble about hormone levels and scribbled over in doctor's handwriting, it all seemed to go by so quickly. Yet, I knew that the journey to conceive is not just a medical one. Mine definitely wasn't, and it did not go by quickly. The doctor didn't scribble about the days that I had to mentally push myself out of bed and take a shower. There were no lab tests to check my levels of heartache. No prescriptions to help with the pain of loss and longing.

As I sit here and type this I realize...My doctor appointment this week was on the 10th...I went through those papers on the night of September 9th, 2009...Exactly one year to the day from the loss of our third pregnancy. It may seem somewhat lame to you that all these dates coincide and that they are so important to me, but it is only because I am reminded of the importance of timing and remembering things like this...It seems like a way to help me remember the literal and spiritual blessings that came from our journey.

There was a time at the beginning of my pregnancy that I was feeling a LARGE amount of anxiety. This was due to stress at my job, stress with unsure changes with my husband's job, and of course trying to take it easy during a very busy time in our lives so that this pregnancy would not result in loss.

One night, Connel asked if I would like to have a blessing. There were some very significant things that were said and felt in that blessing, but one particular thing that I will always remember from that blessing is this...When the pioneers were crossing the plains, there were hard times when they were lifted and carried, through that which they thought they could not bear, by angels. Just as the pioneers were carried by angels, angels have been and are carrying me.

In Sunday School this past Sunday, we discussed the Handcart Pioneers, namely the Martin and Willie handcart companies. Toward the end of the lesson this quote was shared. I have heard this quote one or two time before and before the teacher arrived at the end of it, I was sobbing. Not only because of the conviction with which this testimony is shared. But, because of it's own significant tie to my blessing and how it can be related to all of our trials, and in our lives, particularly the trial of miscarriage and infertility.

A man who crossed the plains in the Martin handcart company lived in Utah for many years. One day he was in a group of people who began sharply criticizing the Church leaders for ever allowing the Saints to cross the plains with no more supplies or protection than a handcart company provided. The old man listened until he could stand no more; then he arose and said with great emotion:

“I was in that company and my wife was in it. … We suffered beyond anything you can imagine and many died of exposure and starvation, but did you ever hear a survivor of that company utter a word of criticism? … [We] came through with the absolute knowledge that God lives for we became acquainted with him in our extremities.

“I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up, for I cannot pull the load through it. … I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the angels of God were there.

“Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company.”

Our Heritage: A Brief History of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, 6: Faith in Every Footstep, Preparing to Leave Nauvoo

Lately, I have had a few experiences with good friends who are struggling with infertility and miscarriage. As I learn of their struggles, I again find myself remembering the grief and longing that comes through these struggles. I find myself in tears for my friends as they go through loss, medical procedures, pain (physical and emotional), grief, longing, embarrassment and many more of the feelings that inevitably come with these trials. I hope with all my heart that their pain with not be the same. However, I know that it will. They will feel all the same emotions that I did. And it sucks. The good thing is that I know something else. I know that when they are struggling, there will be someone there to lift them, to push their cart, if you will.

They did mine.

(In)Fertility Sisters

This past month I have been from one end of the country to another. It was tiring, but worth it.

First, I went to visit my sister in Massachusetts and then helped her with her 2 little girls on the flights from MA to Salt Lake City.

On the plane, we had a full row---complete with a Mother, a 2 year old, a 3 month old and a Mother-to be. My sister (who also spent a significant amount of time and money on fertility treatments) leaned over and said to me..."you know, looking down our row, you would never know that we both had fertility problems..." :)

We are warriors, you know that sis?



It was on our flight to SLC, where the flight attendant looked at my little niece as we boarded the plane and mentioned that there were so many beautiful children on this flight, and then said,
"but that's because we're headed to Salt Lake City."

Crazy breeding Mormons!
...and I'm finally one of them...Boo ya.

Who is your Umbrella?

Puttin' on the Ritz

I read this today, and wondered...Do I flaunt my pregnancy? I know that because I am very happy and love to see my belly growing, and it's all I've ever wanted, I tend to talk about it a lot. I seriously hope that I have never "Put on the Ritz" or in other words "ostentatiously or pretentiously displayed" my pregnant belly to the point where I am snubbing others who aren't pregnant? Have I?



Have you ever known someone who totally flaunts their pregnancy? Only once have I had someone say to me (without knowing that I was struggling with infertility and multiple miscarriage) something like, "Oh, you won't understand because you've never been pregnant."

I know that I haven't run around the city dancing with my belly hanging out, but please tell me that I am not guilty of "Puttin on the Ritz"... :(

Grace

Just a little warning to some of you out there: I am talking about pregnancy a little in this post, so bear with me, or, if you'd like...exit immediately.

Someone dear I know, recently talked about being at a full term pregnancy. This is her 2nd one, however her first was born premature and spent weeks in an incubator surrounded by tubes and IV's... not very fun to say the least. She wrote how blessed she felt to have Heavenly Father listen to her many prayers for her little one who is now on the way and blessing her and her pregnancy to have come as far as she has.

As I read, I was reminded that we all have our own trials that we go through. I was also reminded that Heavenly Father listens and ANSWERS our prayers.

We all have our own anxieties and fears and WHAT-IF's that run through our head constantly.

When I think someone complaining about how she was up for hours last night with 4 kids is lucky because she doesn't have any problems getting pregnant and has 4 kids under the age of 6...

When I wonder if so and so who is complaining about her messy kids leaving things around that house, knows how lucky she is to actually live in a house when there are so many others out there that have lost theirs, not to mention to actually have children to yell at about cleaning it up...

...I have to remember not to be judgmental, I have to remember that Heavenly Father cares about even the LITTLE THINGS that we are concerned over.

Which then reminds me that he is concerned for those women that I so quickly dismissed.

What I may not know, is that the woman with 4 children is in a constantly stressed out state, because it's not easy taking care of 4 kids under the age of 6 and maybe she is hiding that she is suffering a little bit of depression.

I may not know that the women complaining about her home being messy is trying to sell it and so it needs to be clean for prospective buyers, not to mention, what is really bothering her are not her children's cleaning habits, but that she just found out her son is getting into trouble with drugs and her daughter is dating some questionable boys.

But, HE knows their concerns. He knows ours. As long as we PRAY.

I'm not saying that if we don't pray, he's not going to know. After all, he is all knowing. But, he wants to know that we know he will attend to our needs.

Yesterday as I read the sacrament hymn (Reverently and Meekly Now), I read the words, "In the solemn faith of PRAYER, cast upon me all thy care, and my Spirit's grace shall be, Like a fountain unto thee."

Even if it doesn't come swiftly, even if it takes all of the patience and trust that we can muster, our Heavenly Father and our Savior are who we can trust to help us.

Yesterday morning I woke up at about 4 AM thinking that I had been sleeping on my stomach and in a HUGE state of panic. "Had I been squishing my baby?" I went back to sleep, but all during church, I felt a small sense of anxiety that I had squished my baby to death. Because I couldn't feel any movement. When I got home I ran a bath to settle my nerves, when I hopped in I said a quick and quiet little prayer that I would be able to feel my baby move and know they were movements. A few minutes past I began to feel a little settled. Then, I felt a movement, and then another one, and another one...

I wondered why He had cared to answer such a simple prayer as that? Of course he cared...because I cared, small concern as it seemed, it was big to me and so, "his grace was like a fountain."

------

P.S. I feel really bad that I have not had much to say lately.

So, I am going to direct you to some of my favorites that I have been reading lately. They all offer, when needed, a great pick me up...or sometimes, just a great perspective. Plus, they write way better than I do!

Feigning Fertility
We Are All Mothers
Moosh in Indy (especially her post about being a panda in a rabbit world)


But, I am still here, so please don't give up on me! Even if I am a little slacker!

Hope

To me, hope is usually hard to explain. I know what faith is, I know that faith and hope intertwine somehow, but I have always found it hard to understand hope. I was looking through a website that I love (find it here) and she posted a quote by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf that said this:

"Hope is not knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill his promise to us."

Just like that. It makes perfect sense. Faith is belief. Hope is trust.

Whatifs

I have been feeling a little What-iffy lately... It's just that I have had so many worries pop into my mind lately and I start thinking that something bad will happen.

I love Shel Silverstein, he seems to have a poem for every weird thing out there...

WHATIF
Shel Silverstein

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
and pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow taller?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems well, and then
the nighttime Whatifs strike again!

Although I am a little worried at times that I might tear my pants or that I will grow green chest hair, This is really my nightly version:

Whatif I still have a miscarraige?
Whatif I have a miscarraige while all 10 or more people I know who are pregnant right now go on to have their babies and I loose mine and just end up being pitied?
Whatif I have incompetent cervix?
Whatif I have to go on bed rest and I miss my sister's wedding?
Whatif I go on vacation and something goes wrong with the pregnancy?
Whatif the babies heart stops beating?
Whatif I didn't eat well enough in the 1st trimester?
What if those really aren't "round ligament pains" (or whatever their called?) and there is something wrong?
Whatif when they take me off of progesterone, my uterus stops working right and we loose the baby?
Whatif all this time I wanted a child and then I have it and suck at being a mother?!?


...I really need to get a project going.

Let Him Work Miracles

The first Sunday in March we were in fast and testimony meeting at church. As the meeting progressed, there seemed to be a theme that continued through many testimonies.

Miracles.

I don't care what people may say... I believe in miracles. I have witnessed many miracles, large and small, seen and unseen, as I have watched family members and friends experience them. God does not leave us without experiences and examples which help witness to us that He is in our lives.

I was, however, starting to feel a little bit bitter. "What about me?" What about our miracle? That miracle where something out of my control---namely trying to conceive---suddenly goes exactly right and life is hunky dory and everyone sees that life is a miracle? In my case, Heavenly Father must know that when Satan jumps in with the "what about me?" doubts, He needs to intervene quickly...and He did, my mind and soul soon felt at peace as I realized that...the miracle that God was working had already taken place...was still taking place...Over the last 3 years, God had worked a miracle within my heart and soul.

The miracles that often go unnoticed, except by those who experience them (and often these are not even noticed until hindsight kicks in), are these miracles where God strengthens and molds us through trials and callings and life experiences. That it what I know had taken place within me. That day I shared with my branch that I know through our trails, God works miracles, but sometimes, they are not seen, sometimes he works them within us, within our hearts.

...

...

...

However,

what I didn't know...

...was that God was busy working another miracle...

...within me...

...

literally.


On April 14th, 2009, (coincidentally, my due date for our 3rd miscarriage)...

...I took a positive pregnancy test.


I am now 14 weeks pregnant.


Some of you will shout for joy because you know of the pain and struggle that it has been for us to come this far. But the reality I know is that
some of your tears will not be so happy...

To you whose tears are from the pains and longing for children, I feel very inadequate at the moment and can say nothing to try and ease that pain. I've felt that pain, and it hurts. It is real. The only person who can truly heal and comfort that pain is the Savior.

"In our own storms in life the Savior is our solace and our sanctuary. If we seek peace, we must come unto Him. He Himself spoke this eternal truth when He said, “My yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” When our souls are anchored in the safe harbor of the Savior, we can proclaim as did Paul: “We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed.” (Joseph B. Wirthlin, Ensign May 2000)

Just know that I love you, I know that many of you have prayed for us and I thank you all for the many thoughts and prayers in our behalf. We love you all so much!


"Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true."

Hope Ya Know...

A message that has helped me, many times over.

And on a More Serious Note...

Ya Gotta Love It...

Wonderful Quote I Stumbled Across

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace.
God is awake."
-- Victor Hugo

Why I Love Kids...

I got my hair cut and colored. I haven't done a thing with my hair for a few months, I usually pull it up into a ponytail and I needed to do something different with the split end mess that I behold each day. The new do' feels good and makes me feel nice and fresh. Today I went to work and no one said anything. Not ONE adult said a THING about my hair. I guess it's not that important for them to say anything, but you'd think that after I haven't done a thing with it for months, some one might say something...right?

However, the moment I walked into my classroom, three of my sweet little 2 year olds told me that my hair looked pretty or that I looked pretty or the they liked my haircut. Later on in the morning 3 or 4 more kids at the center mentioned that they liked my haircut.

Too sweet.

I just love it.

Coping with Infertility as a Couple

Infertility can be extremely hard on a couple's relationship.

Struggles can bring us closer or push us apart. It helps me to remember that my husband and I are in this together...after all, it takes "two to tango" Through infertility, sometimes the dance gets complicated and you end up stepping on each others feet...

Something that has really helped my husband and I is just taking time out for ourselves. We love doing things that will take our minds off of the stress and just "life" in general. Sometimes I think I get focused on the things that I don't have and forget all the things that I have that make life better. It's good for us to keep the romance alive. Especially when the "romance" can get killed by timing, pills, injections, tests, emotions, and so on.

There is a blog that has so many great date activities for couples. The blog is called
KEEPING ROMANCE ALIVE.
It offers date ideas and small daily challenges to help you keep romance in your life. As I ran across it today, a good friend of mine was featured and she has given some helpful information on the topic of dealing with infertility as a couple.

We have done a few of them and it has helped me remember that through the difficult times, I still have my husband--- one of my biggest sources of strength and support.

(I also ran across THIS today on the Resolve website.)

What Heaven Sees in You

Everyone has adversity and struggles. It's hard to have hope. It's hard to climb the entire mountain when you can't see the summit. As you cling to the ledges, and slip on the rocks, on your way to the top, it's hard to remember that when you get there, it will all be worth it. In fact, It's hard to tell yourself that it will be worth it... Especially when you really don't know if it will be...

A few months ago I listened to a book on tape. (Yes, on tape...I know... ghetto!) "5 Scriptures That Will Get You Through Almost Anything" by John Bytheway and in it he said that God let Abraham go through what he did because "Abraham needed to learn something about Abraham." Abraham needed to know that he had it in himself, that he was strong enough to climb a mountain and do ANYTHING that God asked him to do.

At times I think we can feel a little bit like Abraham. Sacrificing our desires for children for other things that the Lord wants us to do at the present moment. Not that we can help it. It's just that we have to learn to give into his will and accept the "other callings" that he has for us at the time. We all have our own mountains to climb and our own sacrifices to make. We all have a little something to learn about ourselves.

Sitting in sacrament meeting a few weeks ago, I had a thought, "If we could only see what Heavenly Father sees, maybe we would be more willing to do his will."

"Hindsight is 20/20" right?

As I look back and think about the person I was 3 or more years ago...I realize that through experiences that I have had in this trail, my faith, my conviction, my testimony and the truthfulness of the gospel have all been strengthened. I have had the chance to build my own strong testimony of the Savior and his Atonement. I have come to know what it feels like to sacrifice. My husband and I have been able to build a very strong relationship. I have been able to strengthen other relationships. I understand what it really means to have an eternal family and know that all things are part of God's plan for us here on this earth. I cherish all of this knowledge with all of my heart. I really cannot say that I am grateful for this trail...What I am grateful for though, is the things that I have learned through it.

I believe that God works Miracles. However, most of the time, I forget about the Miracles that we don't see...the ones that happen within ourselves. These Miracles are ongoing.

There is a song that I know a lot of you know...

"What Heaven Sees in You" (or Three White Dresses)

It is such a beautiful song, I cry every time I hear it, it has such significance to me. I love that for the "3rd white dress" it doesn't just focus on the wedding day, but all the "promises" that we can make and that have been made to us. It reminds me that I can still go to that House of God and be reminded of those promises.

During the difficult times we go through, it's good to remember who we are and who is cheering us on.



We all have the strength to get to the top of the mountain, we just have to see it in ourselves.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

A couple of days ago, I was at work and one little 2 year old said to me,

"you have alot of owie's?"

me: "A lot of owie's?, what do you mean?"

Then she proceeded to point out some of the pimples on my face. "right dare...and right dare... and..."

:(

This is not the first time this has happened.

A few weeks ago, one of the kids said,

"Ms. Laura, why do you have so many red dots on your face?"

I could have gone into detail, explaining that when you have PCOS, like me, your hormones are messed up. And even though you thought, that at 26 years old, your face would be free of that awful teenage plague of acne...you still wake every morning, to find one more brand new friend on your face. You try face creams, moisturizers, exfoliants, which, to your dismay just seem to give you more and more pimples!!!


but, instead just I said,

"They are just pimples, sweetheart"


The joys of PCOS.

Bible Stories

Does anyone else read the r house blog? I love it. She has some great links for people going through infertility and adoption. I am personally interested in the links and articles that focus on infertility, just because, well, that's where we are.

THIS is my favorite post that she has ever written. Many of you have mentioned to me in comments something about women from the bible, like sarah, hannah, elisabeth, rachel, etc., struggling with a "barren womb". I thought I would share the link to this post, because the things she reiterates from the speaker are better than anything I could ever say myself about the subject. It focuses on adoption at the end but the message is so very POWERFUL.

This morning I was thinking about this subject and I had a couple thoughts flow through my mind...

First, most of these women eventually received children. And...most of their children grew up to influence generations...

Sarah: Isaac
Hannah: Samuel
Rebekah: Jacob
Elisabeth: John the Baptist

Perhaps Heavenly Father needed these women to go through trials so that they would learn to trust in him...to be prepared with unshakable testimonies to teach and raise these great men with righteousness and a firm testimony.

Do you ever wonder if Heavenly Father is preparing all of us (fertile and infertile) to raise children that may someday perhaps influence generations?

Just a thought.

Why I want to be a Mother...

So I can rock-a-bye my babies.
So I can sing them lullabies and teach them finger-plays.
So I can have my kids sleep in the middle.
So I can dress up my daughters in cute little Easter clothes.
So my husband can carry our own kids on his shoulders.
So I can take them to the grocery store.
So I can see them smile.
So I can breast feed.
So I can teach my kids about Jesus.
So I can have family home evening with them, even if they don't pay attention.
So when they are hurt, I can kiss their owies better.
So I can take my kids to the park, the zoo, the fair, and the circus.
So I can listen to my own children playing in the next room.
So I can teach them how to respect others.
So I can share with them all of the greatest holiday traditions.
So they will watch me put on my makeup.
So I can finally use my degree for what I intended it for!
So I can play dress up with them.
So I can play baseball with them.
So my husband can give our kids wheel-barrow rides.
So I can have the title: Stay-At-Home Mom.
So I can love them to pieces!
So I can get dandelion bouquets.
So I can wear a baby-sling.
So I can read them The Berenstain Bears.
So I can get a sacrament meeting flower on Mother's Day...and not feel pitied.
So Disney movies will reign the DVD player.
So I can make an awesome birthday cake for their birthday.
So they can play with their cousins, and realize the importance of family relationships.
So I can say things like, "Because I said so." and "Clean behind your ears."
So there will be fruit snacks, graham crackers, and juice cups all over my van.
So I can have my front porch covered in sidewalk chalk.
So we can lie in the grass in the summer air and look for cloud shapes.
So I can be the "guest of honor" at a baby shower.
So I can someday send my kids to kindergarten...then off to college.
So I can become a Mother-in-law.
So I can become a grandmother.
So I can become a great-grandmother.
So I can make cookies and have my kids decorate them.
etc, etc, etc...


Today was supposed to be my due date.
April 14th, 2009.

I know that I will have the chance to Mother that child someday.

Change

Life is never what you expect.

"I've wanted to be a mother ever since I was 3 and played house with my dolls."
I've seen that written on quite a few blogs I've been reading lately.

I'll tell you, that I don't really remember what I wanted to be when I was 3. When I played house, I was never the Mom. I always wanted to be the teenager! The 16 year old teenager with a boyfriend named J.T.T.

I do remember imagining what my life would be like when I was about 7 or 8. I wanted to be a Rock Star! On stage, bright lights, Oh yeah! The tiny little shy girl from Panorama was going to have the world as a stage! I would sing for hours on the end of my bed or while jumping on the trampoline with a hairbrush in my hand. I was sure that I was the next Mariah Carey!

Well, as I grew up and ended up in the mediocre mixed choir my senior year of high school while all my friends were in the "elite" Bonnevaires tour choir, I started thinking harder about what I really wanted to do with my life.

My best friend and I would drive around in her truck for hours and talk about the future. "So, what do you want to do when you are done with high school?"

I didn't really know. "Oh, I guess go to college or something, then get married, then I just want to be a stay-at-home Mom or something."

When I said it, it became real. I realized that was what I truly wanted. The wish that I had for myself.

When I went to college, I chose a major that would blend perfectly into motherhood. Early Childhood/Special Education. I actually never expected to use it for work--just motherhood. I got married my 2nd year of college and 9 months before we graduated, we stopped using birth control. It was going to work out perfect! We would both graduate together in December, my husband would get a great job right out of college. I would waddle down the graduation aisle with my fully pregnant belly, then begin my dream as a stay-at-home mom, now fully equipped with all of the modern knowledge and skills needed to educate and raise my children successfully!

...9 months later, no job, a (somewhat) flat tummy, and 2 diplomas in hand, we found ourselves still overlooking Brigham Young University-Idaho, and we had no plans at all.

We've had many experiences, where things didn't work out how we'd planned. --I'm sure that we all have.

Infertility is the most dominant that I've experienced.

I am a planner. When something is planned and things don't work out according to that plan, I kind of go crazy. I get grumpy or stressed or depressed, or maybe even all three. It's really hard for me to have a good attitude when it comes to unfulfilled plans.

What I have to remember is the ultimate plan. The Plan of Happiness. We can still be happy through our trials. Can't we? Elder Richard G. Scott said this in the LDS General Conference last week and it really stuck out to me:

"When we live righteously and have received the ordinances of the temple, everything else is in the hands of the Lord. We can do the best we can, but the final outcome is up to Him. We should never complain, when we are living worthily, about what happens in our lives."

In fact, it was kind of a wake up call for me. Hard things happen, but I can still be a happy person. Life changes, but when I realize that my life is in the hands of the Lord, I know I can trust in Him. Ultimately, I will probably become better for it.

TEAM TESSA: Sister Support

Two years ago, my older sister's first child (conceived through IVF), Tessa, was born prematurely. She weighed 2 lbs 3 oz at birth, but is now a healthy and happy little two year old!

One of the many organizations that helped support Tessa was the March of Dimes. The March of Dimes organization helps with research on premature birth and preventing birth defects and gives hospital support to families of premature babies.

Last year, my older sister participated in the March of Dimes-March for Babies in her area, as they were one of the many people that supported their family at Tessa's birth. The research they have supported over the years helped make it possible for Tessa to survive when she was born 13 weeks early. They also provided a representative to give comfort and support to their family while Tessa was in the hospital.

(Tessa on the day of last year's March for Babies)

This year, my sister's family is expecting their second baby and on bed rest. Therefore, it is not possible for her to walk in the March for Babies in her area.

That is why I am walking. To provide some sisterly support, for my sister and Tessa, and for Tessa's new little sister (also conceived through IVF) who we, most likely, will be expecting to come earlier than due as well...

I will be walking at the following event (in 2 weeks!):

April 25, 2009
The Muny-St. Louis Forest Park
Lower Muny Parking Lot
St. Louis, MO 63112
9:oo AM

To help support Team Tessa: Sister Support you can click here and
JOIN MY TEAM!

Or if you don't live near the event or cannot participate in the walk, you can still support our team by
DONATING HERE.

Or click the link on my sidebar to take you to my March for Babies page.

This post may seem a bit unusual to you.

There is now a new category listed at Mormon Mommy Blogs. (I told you this would sound unusual.)

The new category is: {Drumroll please...}

INFERTILITY

What? On a mommy blog connection?

Well, the moderator of Mormon Mommy Blogs said "she choose that name in response to the already existing phrase "mommy blogs" and doesn't mean it to be exclusive."

As someone dear to me said, "it would be nice to have infertility exposed in the Mormon world".

Really, exposed?

You bet.

It not like we are not already used to it!!! After more than monthly appointments at the OBGYN and RE, dicussions with family, friends, and yes, even complete strangers about our most intimate relations, YOU'D THINK WE'D BE USED TO IT!

We infertility bloggers are NOT trying to put on a show or start a pity party for ourselves.

What we ARE doing is creating a network for ourselves, to cope and to lean on one another through our struggles.

Plus...

...there are others who NEED TO KNOW that they are not lone infertility warriors in the mormon mommy "bloggernacle".

So, by creating just one link, we can expand the network and use the avenue to connect with others out there who are having some of the same struggles that we are having. I hope to learn more and to cope better with the struggles that I am handed by linking up with others. I also hope to help others do the same.

Now, I do understand the need of a feeling of privacy for some of you, so if you would like me to take your link off of my sidebar, I will do so. Just let me know by emailing me at craftylulu{at}hotmail{dot}com.

And if you are still in doubt to whether Infertility should be listed on Mormon Mommy blogs...Here is a link to a talk given by one of my all time favorites, Sheri L. Dew...

Are We Not All Mothers?

Sheri L. Dew
Second Counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency

“Motherhood is more than bearing children. . . . It is the essence of who we are as women.”

This summer four teenage nieces and I shared a tense Sunday evening when we set out walking from a downtown hotel in a city we were visiting to a nearby chapel where I was to speak. I had made that walk many times, but that evening we suddenly found ourselves engulfed by an enormous mob of drunken parade-goers. It was no place for four teenage girls, or their aunt, I might add. But with the streets closed to traffic, we had no choice but to keep walking. Over the din, I shouted to the girls, "Stay right with me." As we maneuvered through the crush of humanity, the only thing on my mind was my nieces' safety.

Thankfully, we finally made it to the chapel. But for one unnerving hour, I better understood how mothers who forgo their own safety to protect a child must feel. My siblings had entrusted me with their daughters, whom I love, and I would have done anything to lead them to safety. Likewise, our Father has entrusted us as women with His children, and He has asked us to love them and help lead them safely past the dangers of mortality back home.

Loving and leading—these words summarize not only the all-consuming work of the Father and the Son, but the essence of our labor, for our work is to help the Lord with His work. How, then, may we as Latter-day women of God best help the Lord with His work?

Prophets have repeatedly answered this question, as did the First Presidency six decades ago when they called motherhood "the highest, holiest service . . . assumed by mankind."¹

Have you ever wondered why prophets have taught the doctrine of motherhood—and it is doctrine—again and again? I have. I have thought long and hard about the work of women of God. And I have wrestled with what the doctrine of motherhood means for all of us. This issue has driven me to my knees, to the scriptures, and to the temple—all of which teach an ennobling doctrine regarding our most crucial role as women. It is a doctrine about which we must be clear if we hope to stand "steadfast and immovable"² regarding the issues that swirl around our gender. For Satan has declared war on motherhood. He knows that those who rock the cradle can rock his earthly empire. And he knows that without righteous mothers loving and leading the next generation, the kingdom of God will fail.

When we understand the magnitude of motherhood, it becomes clear why prophets have been so protective of woman's most sacred role. While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord's language, the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve "the mother of all living"³—and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. Just as worthy men were foreordained to hold the priesthood in mortality,⁴ righteous women were endowed premortally with the privilege of motherhood.⁵ Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us.

President Gordon B. Hinckley stated that "God planted within women something divine."⁶ That something is the gift and the gifts of motherhood. Elder Matthew Cowley taught that "men have to have something given to them [in mortality] to make them saviors of men, but not mothers, not women. [They] are born with an inherent right, an inherent authority, to be the saviors of human souls . . . and the regenerating force in the lives of God's children."⁷

Motherhood is not what was left over after our Father blessed His sons with priesthood ordination. It was the most ennobling endowment He could give His daughters, a sacred trust that gave women an unparalleled role in helping His children keep their second estate. As President J. Reuben Clark Jr. declared, motherhood is "as divinely called, as eternally important in its place as the Priesthood itself."⁸

Nevertheless, the subject of motherhood is a very tender one, for it evokes some of our greatest joys and heartaches. This has been so from the beginning. Eve was "glad" after the Fall, realizing she otherwise "never should have had seed."⁹ And yet, imagine her anguish over Cain and Abel. Some mothers experience pain because of the children they have borne; others feel pain because they do not bear children here. About this Elder John A. Widtsoe was explicit: "Women who through no fault of their own cannot exercise the gift of motherhood directly, may do so vicariously."¹⁰

For reasons known to the Lord, some women are required to wait to have children. This delay is not easy for any righteous woman. But the Lord's timetable for each of us does not negate our nature. Some of us, then, must simply find other ways to mother. And all around us are those who need to be loved and led.

Eve set the pattern. In addition to bearing children, she mothered all of mankind when she made the most courageous decision any woman has ever made and with Adam opened the way for us to progress. She set an example of womanhood for men to respect and women to follow, modeling the characteristics with which we as women have been endowed: heroic faith, a keen sensitivity to the Spirit, an abhorrence of evil, and complete selflessness. Like the Savior, "who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross,"¹¹ Eve, for the joy of helping initiate the human family, endured the Fall. She loved us enough to help lead us.

As daughters of our Heavenly Father, and as daughters of Eve, we are all mothers and we have always been mothers. And we each have the responsibility to love and help lead the rising generation. How will our young women learn to live as women of God unless they see what women of God look like, meaning what we wear, watch, and read; how we fill our time and our minds; how we face temptation and uncertainty; where we find true joy; and why modesty and femininity are hallmarks of righteous women? How will our young men learn to value women of God if we don't show them the virtue of our virtues?

Every one of us has an overarching obligation to model righteous womanhood because our youth may not see it anywhere else. Every sister in Relief Society, which is the most significant community of women on this side of the veil, is responsible to help our young women make a joyful transition into Relief Society. This means our friendship with them must begin long before they turn 18. Every one of us can mother someone—beginning, of course, with the children in our own families but extending far beyond. Every one of us can show by word and by deed that the work of women in the Lord's kingdom is magnificent and holy. I repeat: We are all mothers in Israel, and our calling is to love and help lead the rising generation through the dangerous streets of mortality.

Few of us will reach our potential without the nurturing of both the mother who bore us and the mothers who bear with us. I was thrilled recently to see one of my youth leaders for the first time in years. As a teenager who had absolutely no self-confidence, I always sidled up to this woman because she would put her arm around me and say, "You are just the best girl!" She loved me, so I let her lead me. How many young men and women are desperate for your love and leadership? Do we fully realize that our influence as mothers in Israel is irreplaceable and eternal?

When I was growing up, it was not uncommon for Mother to wake me in the middle of the night and say, "Sheri, take your pillow and go downstairs." I knew what that meant. It meant a tornado was coming, and I was instantly afraid. But then Mother would say, "Sheri, everything will be OK." Her words always calmed me. Today, decades later, when life seems overwhelming or frightening, I call Mother and wait for her to say, "Everything will be OK."

Recent horrifying events in the United States have underscored the fact that we live in a world of uncertainty. Never has there been a greater need for righteous mothers—mothers who bless their children with a sense of safety, security, and confidence about the future, mothers who teach their children where to find peace and truth and that the power of Jesus Christ is always stronger than the power of the adversary. Every time we build the faith or reinforce the nobility of a young woman or man, every time we love or lead anyone even one small step along the path, we are true to our endowment and calling as mothers and in the process we build the kingdom of God. No woman who understands the gospel would ever think that any other work is more important or would ever say, "I am just a mother," for mothers heal the souls of men.

Look around. Who needs you and your influence? If we really want to make a difference, it will happen as we mother those we have borne and those we are willing to bear with. If we will stay right with our youth—meaning, if we will love them—in most cases they will stay right with us—meaning, they will let us lead them.

As mothers in Israel, we are the Lord's secret weapon. Our influence comes from a divine endowment that has been in place from the beginning. In the premortal world, when our Father described our role, I wonder if we didn't stand in wide-eyed wonder that He would bless us with a sacred trust so central to His plan and that He would endow us with gifts so vital to the loving and leading of His children. I wonder if we shouted for joy¹² at least in part because of the ennobling stature He gave us in His kingdom. The world won't tell you that, but the Spirit will.

We just can't let the Lord down. And if the day comes when we are the only women on earth who find nobility and divinity in motherhood, so be it. For mother is the word that will define a righteous woman made perfect in the highest degree of the celestial kingdom, a woman who has qualified for eternal increase in posterity, wisdom, joy, and influence.

I know, I absolutely know, that these doctrines about our divine role are true, and that when understood they bring peace and purpose to all women. My dear sisters, whom I love more than I know how to express, will you rise to the challenge of being mothers in these perilous times, though doing so may test the last ounce of your endurance and courage and faith? Will you stand steadfast and immovable as a mother in Israel and a woman of God? Our Father and His Only Begotten Son have given us a sacred stewardship and a holy crown in their kingdom. May we rejoice in it. And may we be worthy of Their trust. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.